UPDATES!! OMG

Warning: It took me two whole weeks to finally complete this post, so some parts might be kind of off, and well it's probably because I had to run off to work or something and stop and was not able to make it back to adding more for a few days.

It's been some time since my last post, and thus a bit to update.

Sometimes in healing you feel like you have to shout to the world everything that is going on, which makes blogging very helpful, other time it feels like you need to keep everything to yourself. Which is what the last two month were for me. My healing slowed down due to financial stress and also because it was just that time for it. Although I was still healing it wasn't huge things, just the continuation of relearning what is actually healthy sex and to no longer connect it to abusive sex.

 Anyways since then I have broken my celebrity, although out of relationship too. I've decided I'm alright with casual sex although I would prefer to be in a relationship. Some believe that to keep your mind form relating sex to abuse it should be done only in a positive, healthy, committed relationship and I decided that I don't want what happened to me years ago to influence and control something that I enjoy. Although total casual sex right now doesn't seem to be what I actually want.
 I may not be at "orgasm" state yet, but I am happy to say that I am now able to have sex without dissociate , I'm able to stay in the moment, to enjoy it and not end up thinking about anything and everything else to separate myself from the event. Which is a huge step, I still have more to do when it comes to sex and relationships but I feel like what is left I'm going have to deal with when actually confronted with the problem in an actual relationship, I don't think there is much more I can do totally solo, although I am working on what I can so when I am actually in a relationship there will be less to fix and less hardship for my partner.

As for financial problems, they are doing better. For a bit there though I was very angry and frustrated with the world, my thoughts being that if the universe gave me such a shitty hand in the beginning with all the abuse it should at least be nice enough and not give me financial problems too. So for about a week I was really annoyed but that was back in early November. I did end up snagging another job though, I got my dream ski bum job as a snowcat driver which has been pretty fun. I also just got a job semi in my field and accepted it so I am in the process of moving and finishing up with the grooming job. Which is bittersweet in some ways, but I am very excited to be moving and being closer to my friends. This leaving the grooming job has been kind of interesting though, because I work with all guys there, and since I am now leaving it gives them the opportunity to pursue me, which one already has started that. It makes me laugh but at other time it gives me the slightest of panic attack. This is because I am attracted to him, but he is a lot like how I was, being casual sex only, no commitment. He is looking for fun only. At first I found myself falling back into my flirting, very teasing self, but then realized that what he wants, is in no way what I want either, and even if he wanted something more I wouldn't do anything with him. Nice guy, makes me laugh for sure, but not what I want.

I've gone on a few dates these last few months, which is crazy 'cause I don't date. They have been lots of fun, but I kept comparing everyone to Nathan. It's like Nathan has became my standard for every other guy who wants to be in my life, and of course none of them come close. So right now I realize that it is still him I would like to be with, and also he is the only one I am okay with casual sex right now too.
With that said I need to update you on New Years. I went down to vallis for new years, which I was really lucky and got off. As much of the troupe that possibly could went to vallis for the new year's this year, so I was really hoping I could make it two, and didn't find out that I got it off until the morning of new years eve. So I bolted down there, straight from the mountain. I ended up inviting Nathan to join us for some ultimate frisbee, which he did, it made for a really fun game especially with having new people. We also invited him and his buddies to join our New Year's party, and very surprising to me, again he did. The whole day and night I was trying to read him to see where we were at that time, to see if we were still friends or if something more was acceptable again. Needless to say I had a great new year's, it was awesome to get to spend it playing ultimate with my favorite people and then start drinking at 5pm and not stop until oh... 3am (which is actually earlier for our group), and on top of that I got to go home with Nathan and crash with him and get awesome cuddles.
 We have talked since, and he still is not looking for or ready for a relationship right now but he is okay with me possibly crashing with him when I come down to vallis, with the no expectations for right now. Something I am alright with, but funny thing is that I am only alright with it with him, I would not allow that with anyone else at this point in my life. This boy is getting way too much leeway from me especially considering we will probably never actually get the chance to be in a relationship together. Which is sad for me to think about, because, being totally honest here, I am a terribly picky person when it comes to people I want to be with, that includes just casual sex too. Way picky, it's one of my defenses to not being in a relationship and thus staying safe. With that said, Nathan is the first person I've met that actually meets all of my criteria, and on top of that for some reason unknown to me right now, from the day that I meet him I've always been very drawn to him. So I am knowingly hanging on to the hopes that something might still happen, because how often is it that you actually meet your perfect person? Now given, he is far from perfect, because everyone is, we all have our flaws and issues that's what makes us, us, we all have things we need to work on and get better with, and those flaws can help dictate the kind of person that would match us well, or the kind of people we are more attracted to. Just as our abilities and pros do. Anyways a quote I've always loved and believed in is "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly"
 Now no I do not love Nathan, not that way but he is an imperfect person who I see perfectly, he is the kind of person I can actually see myself actually "falling in love with" if ever given the chance and opportunity, and for once in my life, that doesn't scare me, that doesn't make me want to run away like it did two years ago when I first met him.

Anyways now I am full on living in ptown, I've started my new job and have finished with the snowcat driving one. Things are going well her, I have this new cute bunny who is my new snuggle buddy and helps me out when I'm feeling kind of down, which I have been a bit given the Nathan situation and you add in the fact that there are perfectly good guys trying to get on my good side and date me right now but they just aren't Nathan, plus I lost an old friend a bit ago, I was heading down from the mountain as he was heading up we passed each other and the very next corner that he hit, his car slid on some ice and side into the other lane, where a driver that should not of been on the road in the first place (due to having his license removed, and having a warrant out for him for a DUI and some other stuff)  hit his car and killed my friend and his buddy. My friend also had a 3 year old son who he loved so much. So having that happen and then having to pass the spot of the accident twice a day for work up at the mountain was really hard. the weekend that was the hardest where I almost turned to Kody to bury my thoughts and feelings away with I ended up heading into ptown and bought this bunny and stayed here with her and snuggled with her and she helped me feel so much better without ever putting myself in a bad situation. Now Nathan was my first choice but he was feeling sick and thus I wasn't allowed to crash with him. Kody and I have been talking a lot more recently, and as I've known for some time he is still interested in me, but I don't know if I want to go there, at this point, as I said there is only one person stuck on my mind.

With that said being in ptown, another friend popped up from college, one of my favorite dancing buddies, anyways we went out for drinks one night to catch up, and then yesterday after work I went over to his place to make curry for dinner, I love curry, I love making curry and I love hanging out with friends and making food, so I didn't think anything of it although I was pretty sure he was semi interested but didn't know enough to really create a good judge of action for me. Anyways at the end of the night he surprised me with a kiss, which I attempted to turn down and do that whole body language of "Bad choice, Bail!" and he didn't catch it and yeah.. anyways. Not that I don't like him and not that I'm not interested, because I do, and I kind of am but there is that whole I'm not sure I am ready to totally give up on Nathan yet, because right now I would be happy to have non-commitment, no expectations hanging out, cuddling casualness with Nathan than to have nothing at all from him, which with me feeling that way would be totally unfair to someone else.

Alright now you are all caught up (basicly-ish) and I'm going to finally post this so you (whoever you are) can read it and see it, and hopefully I'll get back into the habit of blogging more regularly.