Self doubt.

I have so many things running through my head right now, I'm not sure I can put them all into words, but I'm going to try.

The majority of them deal with Nathan, having got to spend Saturday night with him and Sunday morning, but also issues with myself and a little bit more with my dancing buddy, Simeon.
 So I guess first things first: Nathan. I had a great time with him, he seemed more affectionate than normal too. He had a bottle of red wine ready for use to share when I got there. When we went to bed, the whole night when sleeping he always made sure to have an arm wrapped around me in some way or another, that I was pulled in close to him, which is something I desperately love. If you remember that cuddles for me make me feel safer, but not just that, I love sleeping entangled in with the person I'm with. I enjoy that closeness.
 Nathan and I always cuddled when sleeping, but it wasn't an all night closeness, and entanglement, it was a little in the beginning and then when real sleep came he would usually turn over or something and we'd clam our own spaces. Although I would of loved the all night closeness, I happily took what i could get because I can understand those who aren't terribly cuddly need their own space and can feel uncomfortable or like their are getting a cuddle assault when they are trying to sleep and the other person keeps getting into their space. So I try to respect those wants and needs and usually just go with what hits and information I can gather from the other person on that.
 I've been feeling like I'm walking on eggshells around Nathan. I'm afraid that I might do or say something that might re-spark whatever issues he was or possibly still is going through and in doing so he will push me away again. I would love to know what is going on with him more than just your basic casual answers, I would like to talk to him more about what possibilities we might have in the future, like if he even sees there being a chance for us.
 I'm also constantly second guessing myself. I have this worry that I might of put myself back into a semi-relationship that I knew nothing would actually come out of it, like I have done so many times in the past as an attempt to keep myself "safe." Although I have gone over this and thoroughly thought about it in this situation and know that is not the case that it is just a case of bad timing. With my past though I feel like I have to constantly recheck and make sure that I wasn't in the wrong on this issue, because I have purposefully told myself I was alright and it wasn't that way when I knew very well it was. So that has been times of fear and frustration with myself as I start to worry that I'm just repeating my old, bad habits.
 So instead of leaving Nathan feeling refreshed and happy, this time I left requesting myself and I've been filled with self doubt all last night and today. I wish that Nathan and I had the ability to be more open with each other right now, I'm sure that would help decreases these self doubts in myself, but I'm pretty positive he is not ready for that yet. I believe this to be the result of people assuming that good communication with people is meant for serious relationships. Where in reality we need to use it with everyone in our life, form our coworkers to our friends and especially with our lovers, but of course there is the fear that opening up to someone leaves you more vulnerable to them, which in some ways is true, but most of the time it strengthens whatever relationship you have with them and more than likely they will open up to you back.

Onward from that, I don't know how I managed it but somehow I basically ended up with 3 dates this weekend without meaning to. I think I can be way to oblivious to things sometimes. So I count Nathan in this category because although it wasn't a date I spent the night at his place and made him breakfast in the morning so I say it totally goes into that category. The other two I just thought of as friends hanging out, I realized they were interested in me but didn't figure there would be any moves really made or that it was meant as an actual date... which afterwords made me feel kind of like and idiot and also like a slut, no I did not do anything with the other two guys, I kissed and slept with one person this week, hell in the past few months it's only been Nathan. I did not give the other guys an inch, but it still makes me feel kind of skanky to realize I basically had three dates this weekend, with different guys, even though I totally did not mean for that to happen.

 I was given the challenge of writing a bucket list today, of real life things I want to do and accomplish in my life. Goals, no just places I want to go visit or random silly things I think I should do for the hell of it. Which would require some major soul searching and really figuring out what I want to do in my life and where I want to take it. I think it is a good idea, so I will probably attempt to do sometime soon. Which for me will be semi heart wrenching and probably end up with me just balling for a bit, considering some of the biggest things that I want deals with my healing from all the abuse I've been through.

Anyways, once again I should of been in bed a long time ago, so I'm calling this quits.