Lack of Communication

Communication, the biggest reason why I chose Erik over all the other guys I was socially "dating" at the time. He had the best communication with me and honesty, so much so that it really helped me trust him on a much faster level then what it normally takes. Right now at the end of things, hell this whole last week communication has been what we've been lacking, one of our strongest qualities in this relationship and it's been amiss this last week, and I feel even more right now. Yesterday we agreed to talk more about our decision to make sure we weren't just making the easy choice and not necessarily the best choice. Which made me feel so much better knowing we were actually going to really talk it out and figure out what is really the best option for us right now, and he seemed pretty sure like that was the best thing to do too. Last night though all I got was a "Nope, I think we made the right choice."
 I wish I knew what happened, only a few weeks ago he was so positive that we could totally make the long distance thing work. I was so sure that when I brought up to him how I was feeling about it he was going to be right there to reassure me that it'll be fine, that yes it might be hard every now and then but that we could totally do it... man was I wrong. I didn't expect this, and I didn't expect us to let it go so easily and quickly, I really did think we would spend more time actually discussing it and finding out what was really best for both of us.

 I hate the way we are going out...

 I don't feel so sad anymore, at least not teary and weepy like I was two nights ago. More so then anything now I'm annoyed, I wish I knew what happened and why the change in heart...

The loss of someone

Funny how the loss of someone, something makes you realize what you really had. Although I am exhausted and have been for the last few hours now, I don't want to go to sleep because once I wake up in the morning it will be real, truly, completely real. Part of me wants to scream and rage and shake him and tell him he was suppose to reassure me and tell me "of course we will make it work, we can totally do this" on the other hand it is nice to know that I wasn't the only one feeling like we were fading apart this last week, that it really wasn't just me and my commitment issues pushing him away, that there really was a legitimate reason besides me being a weak link. A part of me wants to run to him and reassure him that we can make it work that we can do this...
 I'm sad that we had such a short time together. We match so well, and got along wonderfully, in other circumstances I'm sure we would of had some amazing adventures together. And I'm sad that our last days together were pretty blah and of both of us not wanting to bring up what we were feeling and yet unsure of what to do. I wish they would of been amazing and full of joy and laughter so that we could of at least parted ways on that kind of note, with memories of smiles and fun times together.
 I've told him that if you can he should come here Thursday of Friday evening once I'm done with work and we can go play some laser tag and maybe have a bottle of wine afterwards that way we can part with happier memories. I hope he accepts.

Bittersweet Changes

 I finally sucked it up and brought my concerns to Erik, who as I found out, was feeling the same. That although we both care dearly for each other a long distance relationship would not work out right now especially since we would have different weekends with our work, so even when we would be able to see each other one of us would be working so it would only be for a moment in the morning and a few hours in the evening before we passed out. We both noticed that we were feeling farther apart from each other this week. It is good to know I wasn't alone in these feelings but this change is bittersweet. I have lost my lover but I am keeping my friend, even if he is moving 5 hours away.

Kfalls

My relationship with Erik has been great so far, we really do seem to match very well. Living situation will be better soon I'm moving into an apartment with two other people at the end of this month, so that should be exciting, hopefully in the good way, although I will lose having access to a garage which is a bummer. I've signed up to be a Pampered Chef consultant to hopefully help bring in a little more income to make things a little easier on me financially.

 So things have been better, although with that said I'm in a bit of a dilemma right now. Erik got the job in Kfalls and will be moving soon, Kfalls is about 5 hours away from me and our work schedules are going to be totally different from each other. Although he was positive that we can make it work especially since supposedly he has a three day weekend every other week and will be up here during that time I just don't know if I can handle it. I've pretty much have always been the weak link in relationships, to be honest and with the added long distance issues I really feel like I can't hold up.

 On top of that I really feel like a long distance relationship would take an actual commitment, and I don't know if I am ready for that next step up yet. So for the past week I've been debating this and just really not feeling like I can handle it and also feeling like I don't want that kind of a long distance relationship and it makes me feel horrible because he has been so optimistic about it and I can't see it working at all. I've been feeling extra horrible lately because I haven't been able to tell him how I feel about this yet, especially because I don't want him to second guess his decision in moving because it's a great chance for him and it will help him get to where he wants to be and I don't want to be the person that holds him back.

 I don't know, I need to at least suck it up and tell him at least the basics on how I'm feeling right now... I'm just failing at actually opening up that line of communication.

Boarderline panic attack 24/7

 The last few days I have been in a state of high stress. My body has been stuck in a "fight or flight" panic. This is due to my living situations and how Harry's record has been coming out to me. I'm pretty sure if Sadie and/or Harry would of just came out and told be about his past before I moved in and were very honest and upfront with it I probably wouldn't of had an issue with it. With it coming out in bits and pieces, and since it started out being told as a lie, like it's been one huge secret that's slowly being slipped out makes me very uneasy. It makes me feel betrayed and that I can't trust those who I am living with. I seriously would of thought Sadie would of realized this is something I should of known and that she should of told me before I moved in, with me being a survivor of abuse of that kind especially. Which makes me feel very uneasy and unsafe in my own home... and in a sense repeats the offenses of the abuse that I've lived through, in feeling. Feeling betrayed, not able to trust those closest to me, unsafe in my own home.
 So I figured I would be fine waiting until at least April to find another place to live or decide how long I can handle staying there. Although I thought I was fine waiting it out and not making a harsh and quick "flight" decision, especially when I don't necessarily have the financial ability to quickly get up and move again so soon, it seems with any extra stress put on, no matter how small it puts me over the edge into that "fight or flight" panic. The last two days I had a horrible headache from all the tension in my jaw (a huge sign of major stress for me, especially stress that is connected to my abuse in some way), and was basically on the edge of a panic attack the whole time.
 No extra stress and I was doing alright it was still in the back of my head the whole time but I was okay, add a little bit of stress say from crazy co-worker during our sale this last week and my system goes into overdrive... or the stress of starting a new relationship and we get borderline panic attack...

 About this new relationship. It is going well, Erik is wonderful. In some ways it frightens me, because I'm trying to let him into a position where he could really hurt me if he so did choose. With the abuse I have lived through I was basically taught that people in loving, suppose to be protecting, trusting positions are the people who betray and hurt me, it is really hard to let someone into that kind of position.
  I have to admit though that I want so much to talk to him about everything, the good the bad, but honestly to talk about the bad to him terrifies me. I'm scared that he will think it too much, too much bad, too much of a downer to stick with and leave. Now given everything he has shown and said it totally otherwise but it is still something I am scared of because I have had people shut me down and turn away when telling them even the slightest little bit because they don't want to know that such things happen in this world, they can't handle knowing people abuse little children. When you get shut down by someone like that, it makes you feel like the worst person ever, like you are the bad guy. It is a horrible experience to go through and leaves you feeling lost and like you can't turn to anyone for comfort and reassurance. Which makes it totally understandable why someone would be scared of that happening again even when it seems very unlikely.
 Abuse affects everyone, not just the person who did it or the person who it was done to. It affects those closest to them especially. It is a lot to ask for of a person to be there and be a supporter to an abuse survivor. You will feel their pain, their anger, their sadness. It will strike up your own extreme emotions, you will learn that this world is not safe, that there are some very bad people out there. It is a lot to go through, and not everyone can do it. On top of that it will always be an ongoing thing. Although it does get much better with time, there will always be something here and there to bring the issues back up.

 I'm pretty displeased right now that what should be Erik's and my total happy "honeymoon" time since the relationship is bran new is being stolen away because of this housing situation.

Happiness

 A good amount has changed in the last few weeks. Everything between Nathan and I is done, it seems he is not even able to have a friendship with me so that is totally done and over with. Which I was happy to finally know and felt relieved and totally able to move on, although after a week I realized I was kind of sad about it but there wasn't much I could do about it so I just had to move on. After finding out we really were done I started actually dating again, I've had a few guys after me for some time now and I went ahead and went on some legit dates with them and even a few new guys. It was very lovely and fun to do, I enjoyed actually socially dating which is something I haven't ever really done. It also got a little overwhelming trying to whittle them down to ones that I really clicked with and would have a possibility of being with.
 There was one person who I really clicked with. We connected really well, were both mutually very interested in each other. He is just as upfront and honest as me and has amazing communication skills which won my trust and respect right off the bat. Things moved quickly with us and we are actually dating, like full on romantic, serious, relationship status. It's pretty crazy because we have a lot of the same beliefs and interests. So much so that we're pretty sure this is either going to go amazingly or it will go horrible.

 Besides being honest and having great communication skills the big thing that helped win me over was when I told him about my past. He told me he has never had any exposer to abuse or those who have but that he did not judge me for it, it does not change the way he sees me, and that if I ever need his help or support to let him know and to keep good communication up with him during my times of healing.

 We have only just started dating exclusively so of course I am terribly happy to have him in my life right now. Even more so because I have been having some abuse issues and haven't been feeling the best because of it and it has been wonderful having him to talk to a bit about it. I must say I am tentative and scared at times to say much of anything to talk as much as I would like to about it because it is so new and I'm scared it will totally scare him off, but so far he has been very supportive and I'm pretty sure he will stand by me through whatever I have to go through but I'm still worried.
 A few months ago, possibly even half a year ago I got his book called "Allies in Healing"  it is a book for partners of survivors. I figured it would be a great book to help out whoever I might end up with. With the new relationship I am now reading it myself before I give it over to Erik (the boyfriend) so I might have a better idea what he might end up going through, and also know what I can do to make the process easier on him. At times I feel horrible because the abuse doesn't just affect me but it will end up affecting him too and if it wasn't for his relationship with me he wouldn't have to deal with such things, at other times it really encourages me because I am so far along in my healing that I'm already way past the worst of it so he won't be pushed and pulled so thin.
 I am 12 years going on 13 in my healing, and most of it I have done totally on my own. Tuesday, Valentine's day I had a doctors appointment, when writing my history if they ask about possible abuse I always write down mine. For the first time the lady asked about it and asked if I have reported it, which I haven't, although I've felt like I needed to do so soon. So she stayed with me for comfort and solicited my reports. So I filed one against my Uncle which was done to Idaho DHE. I attempted to do one against my ex step mom, done to the California DHE, but with them because I did not have her date of birth or her current address they wouldn't even write up a report. Which really annoyed me, even more so because of the DHE investigation going on here in my house.
 Erik helped out on that day too, besides the appointment we spent the whole day together, starting off with a nice hike in the Gorge area, then after my appointment he got really good pizza for us for dinner and showed up with that and chocolate and wine knowing what I just went through. We curled up on my bed and watched a movie.

Alright I have to get to bed, we start our big sale at work tomorrow and I have to be their earlier than normal so I need to get my sleep.

Best Friends

This is another thing I found in "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis that I found very appropriate because I have been so grateful to have friends like this in my life.
 This one is found on page 63-64 and is information to people who are best friends to a survivor and what they can do to help them.
 The question is: "The survivor in my life is not my spouse and never has been. We are best friends. Our relationship is sisterly, nothing sexual. How can I help her?"

" Weather you are partners whoa re best friends or are "just" best friends, you place a crucial role in the survivor's life. As a best friend, there's a lot you can do to help her. Love her. Remind her that the abuse happened to her; it isn't who she is. tell her why you think she's the best.

 Don't let her withdraw or push you away just when she needs you the most. Insinuate yourself in her life. Track her down and hang in there. Be your irresistible, charming (and sometimes cranky) self.

Bring her flowers. Cook her dinner. Offer to sleep over so you can stay up, listen to music, dance, read poems out loud, cuddle, and talk about your dreams. Let her cry in your arms.

Have adventures together. Encourage her to take risks and dare more.

Call her every day, or every other day. twice or three times on really hard days. Send her postcards with silly pictures on one side and affirmations on the other.

 Tell her it will be okay, that you're sure she can make it through all this.

 You've developed a history with your best friend, and history enables you to be a great meter of reality. You have perspective you can be the inside yardstick. Remind her that she's actually made progress in the last year. Document the specifics. As a best friend, your opinions are invaluable: you can tell her when she's attracted to someone who's dangerous for her, remind her of all the ways she's successfully dealt with panic before, and offer to go with her to visit her brother because you already know how difficult it will be.

 Survivors who have best friends are on very good ground. A survivor can pay a therapist or join a support group (great things indeed), but her best friend is there because of loyalty and love, not because she's being paid or because she shares a particular pocked of agony. With you as a best friend, the survivor gets to learn a lot about genuine love and acceptance.

 If you're not also the survivor's partner, don't belittle your relationship or your importance in her life because you're "only friends." Many survivors have maintained friendships that have been more long-lasting and influential than any of their love relationships. You're a crucial part of her support system. You place an importance role in her life. (And she in yours.)

 Keep your relationship current. Make sure you keep things reciprocal so you'll want to keep being best friends. Ask her for things you need, too.

 Take your commitment to each other seriously. Work on problems or issues that come up between you. Best friends need tune-ups just like other relationships. But don't forget to have fun. She probably doesn't laugh with anybody the way she laughs with you. And sometimes that's the best therapy of all."