The last few days I have been in a state of high stress. My body has been stuck in a "fight or flight" panic. This is due to my living situations and how Harry's record has been coming out to me. I'm pretty sure if Sadie and/or Harry would of just came out and told be about his past before I moved in and were very honest and upfront with it I probably wouldn't of had an issue with it. With it coming out in bits and pieces, and since it started out being told as a lie, like it's been one huge secret that's slowly being slipped out makes me very uneasy. It makes me feel betrayed and that I can't trust those who I am living with. I seriously would of thought Sadie would of realized this is something I should of known and that she should of told me before I moved in, with me being a survivor of abuse of that kind especially. Which makes me feel very uneasy and unsafe in my own home... and in a sense repeats the offenses of the abuse that I've lived through, in feeling. Feeling betrayed, not able to trust those closest to me, unsafe in my own home.
So I figured I would be fine waiting until at least April to find another place to live or decide how long I can handle staying there. Although I thought I was fine waiting it out and not making a harsh and quick "flight" decision, especially when I don't necessarily have the financial ability to quickly get up and move again so soon, it seems with any extra stress put on, no matter how small it puts me over the edge into that "fight or flight" panic. The last two days I had a horrible headache from all the tension in my jaw (a huge sign of major stress for me, especially stress that is connected to my abuse in some way), and was basically on the edge of a panic attack the whole time.
No extra stress and I was doing alright it was still in the back of my head the whole time but I was okay, add a little bit of stress say from crazy co-worker during our sale this last week and my system goes into overdrive... or the stress of starting a new relationship and we get borderline panic attack...
About this new relationship. It is going well, Erik is wonderful. In some ways it frightens me, because I'm trying to let him into a position where he could really hurt me if he so did choose. With the abuse I have lived through I was basically taught that people in loving, suppose to be protecting, trusting positions are the people who betray and hurt me, it is really hard to let someone into that kind of position.
I have to admit though that I want so much to talk to him about everything, the good the bad, but honestly to talk about the bad to him terrifies me. I'm scared that he will think it too much, too much bad, too much of a downer to stick with and leave. Now given everything he has shown and said it totally otherwise but it is still something I am scared of because I have had people shut me down and turn away when telling them even the slightest little bit because they don't want to know that such things happen in this world, they can't handle knowing people abuse little children. When you get shut down by someone like that, it makes you feel like the worst person ever, like you are the bad guy. It is a horrible experience to go through and leaves you feeling lost and like you can't turn to anyone for comfort and reassurance. Which makes it totally understandable why someone would be scared of that happening again even when it seems very unlikely.
Abuse affects everyone, not just the person who did it or the person who it was done to. It affects those closest to them especially. It is a lot to ask for of a person to be there and be a supporter to an abuse survivor. You will feel their pain, their anger, their sadness. It will strike up your own extreme emotions, you will learn that this world is not safe, that there are some very bad people out there. It is a lot to go through, and not everyone can do it. On top of that it will always be an ongoing thing. Although it does get much better with time, there will always be something here and there to bring the issues back up.
I'm pretty displeased right now that what should be Erik's and my total happy "honeymoon" time since the relationship is bran new is being stolen away because of this housing situation.
No comments:
Post a Comment