Frustrated as Fuck

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! (Ranting, cussing, more screaming...)



Frustrated, pissed off, annoyed

and totally fucking clueless.

Financial Stress

No healing right now.

 So it seems the owner/boss of my work has chosen sides with the crazy, drug problem-ed woman who verbally attacks her co-workers. It seems I don't have a job anymore.
 I say "it seems" because the owner/boss hasn't replied to my text, hasn't contacted me in anyway. Today I had to go in to work (it's closed on Sundays right now) to see the schedule because no one contacted me letting me know when my next working day is, which happens every week because the owner only does a schedule weekly and can't seem to get it out any quicker than the last day of work of that week so we don't know if we are working that Monday or not on Friday or even most of Saturday. So I went into work to see when my next working day was to make sure I didn't miss it to see there is a schedule there done up for the next 3 weeks (something she has never done before) and I'm not even written on it at all. I can't believe someone would be so disrespectful to not let someone know that they need to cut back, that they are being laid off. We've know for some time that the season was dying down, how fucking hard is it to tell someone 1-2 weeks before hand that they aren't going to have any work for them in a week or too, thus giving them the chance to look for another job! Or FUCK just call them, or text them, something to let them know they are laid off! Don't be a douche and let them find out by having to go into work to see the schedule and see they weren't even put on it.

So now starts the financial stress. With graduating last year, and not being able to get a "legit" job I've been hit really hard financially and have had to go to credit cards occasionally, and as the time continues those debts have gotten worse. Every time I think I'm about to have them back under control I relax up a bit and they go shooting back up again... right now they are at an all time high and I've been worried about it for some time but have always made sure to make extra payments on them than what the min. is but without a job I'm now scared that I'm not going to be able to make the next payment on them... plus on my student loans, and car loan 'cause my old car just had to die on me last year thus forcing me to by a new one... thus financial stress

So now I have to really put my head down and start doing some big job searching. And sadly with this stress and the need to get a job I have to put my healing aside right now and focus on making sure I can pay my bills.

I really hope this is a blessing, I hope I can pick up some acceptable paying full time job in ptown so I can move close to my friends and out of the parent's house, and be financially stable again since college. That is my goal, wish me luck 'cause right now I really need it.

:/

I try to work on healing a little bit every day, usually right before bed, when I am snuggled up in my bed in my room, all alone, that is when I feel safest. Tonight though I am unable to feel comfortable enough to work on healing although I really want to.
 My mother said something to me that really hurt me and mad me feel uncomfortable and unsafe, which of course what I would of been working on is feeling safe tonight, but as I was going through some of that reading and exercises I just couldn't find it. My chest is tight, my heart is flighty... I do not feel comfortable or safe in my own home tonight.
 My mother had me a few days before she turned 20, when she was married to my biological father who is a total ass, and beat her among other things. She left him and for some time raised me as a single mother, and a young single mother at that. As a child of such situations there is always the scare, the worry that the parent regrets having you at that time in their life. Tonight in a stupid fight when she was over reacting to the way I was testing out the new microwave she said such a thing to me, in a rude, mean voice. Now I do realize she didn't mean it, most likely but it doesn't change the fact that it cut deeper than a sword ever could.
 I don't know why she was in an angry , quick snappy mood for a bit tonight, but she turned it on me and did more damage then I'm sure she even realizes, or could ever imagine.

Just What I Needed

For most of today I was still feeling pretty sad, dealing with the events of the weekend that reminded me of how much I've missed out when it comes to the relationship field, and realizing how many possibly wonderful experiences I've passed over through the years because of my issues with relationships that was as a direct result to the abuse I've been through.
 I wanted nothing more than to sleep all day, I was good though I at least got up and went for a 2+ mile walk/hike before resorting to my couch and playing monster hunters with Travis online, so semi socialness before I turned in for my bed and my silly totally girly addictive tv show. This evening I did end up talking to Charley though, a friend of mine who has also been off and on partners for the last... oh goodness two years now. Our sexual relationship has always been a fairly good one though, even though it was totally casual. We are friends, and sex was just playful and occasionally "For Science!"  which for us made it even more fun and playful. Anyways after asking how his day went knowing he has been a little stressed out recently he asked how I was and I told honestly that I was feeling out of it today. He told me if I needed to talk about it he was there to listen.
 Which happened to be the magical words I needed to hear, because I then just spilled everything. Bless his lovely heart, he listened to me, well read my splurge of information because it was over skype since we are now living one hour away from each other. Charley was just the perfect person that I needed to talk to at that time. Charley was very.. I can't seem to find the right word so here are a bunch to try and describe how awesome he was: benevolent, elevating, considerate, supportive, understanding, caring. Something that involves all of that and more and in this tone of light that's in my head but I can't seem to put it into words.

 Anyways he was just the perfect person for me to talk to at that time. He didn't say too much, at least in comparison to how much I was spilling, but what he did saw was encouraging to me. Appreciating what I've been through, the path I am on now. He suggested that I should be a counselor, that it seemed to be my true calling. Which I found very entertaining because being a counselor or therapist for people has been something I've thought about since I was in middle school, and yet never actually moved towards doing.
 Alright back on track here. In the end after talking to Charley I felt so much better. It seemed all I really needed to do to get over this hump was just actually reach out to someone and tell them how I was feeling and why, and luckily for me Charley was the best person to do that with this time, I needed his responses just as much as I needed to talk to someone.

So it's past the time that I should be in bed, and I've managed to blab on for plenty of time now. I'm calling this post done. Sweet dreams and I hope that the next time you come across the chance at a good, healthy relationship you are able to snag it and enjoy what it can bring for you.

Wanting

So I haven't posted much at all this last week or so, reason for that is because I was in California this whole last week and the week before that I was preparing and getting this ready to leave.
 With that said it doesn't mean my healing process stopped. Although it was put on hold a bit, there was still a lot to work on. The whole unlearning bad, harmful abusive sexual thoughts, ideas, feelings and learning good healthy sexual thoughts, ideas, feelings takes time, and will continue to take time. Sadly it isn't something that can be done in a week, or any other short period of time, although I wish it could. So sadly no big "A HA!" moments, but still lots of good work.

So this last week was my one month mark of being celibate! Yay! Due to the things I've been working on it's been a very easy month. Even with a decent amount of guys trying to make booty calls. Now I wasn't big on booty calls or things like that in the first place, and going a month without isn't that big of a deal either, although usually it was about that time that I would hook up with my current partner at that time. Although I've been in only 3 relationships I was big on casual sex, but I almost always stayed with one partner at a time, and most of those partners I would rotate through during the years, so it wouldn't be constantly new partners.
 Anyways so yay for making it a month, when I realized it had been a month this last week I was amazed that so much time has passed by already, but also because I realized it has been a month since Nathan and I really talked, and hung out and that last one was pretty shitty to say the truth. I tried to hang out with him last weekend when I was passing through vallis for the night, which no luck, but he did at least respond to my messages, text and fb. This weekend though as I was passing through vallis again I got nothing in response. I wasn't surprised at all, I knew since the stop sign was thrown up on this one that that was the end of anything between us. I was just really hoping to keep a friendship. So it seems that whole idea is down the drain and reality has been faced. I must say though it still affected me a bit. Brought my internal attitude down a bit. I think it's more that it was the final touch to everything I've been thinking about and dealing with this last wee.
 I've been dealing and thinking more about relationships this week. My stronger desire right now is to feel loved again, in that serious relationship way. I'm craving the ability to be able to get into a legit relationship a lot more than normal right now. Probably because I am slowly realizing more of what I've been missing out all these years. That idea of good, healthy sexualness, I experienced a bit of that when in my one only actually fully loving relationship so far. I'm curious as to how it would go this time now that I have a better understanding and a better way of thinking.

With that said being pushed away by Nathan this weekend did bring me down, because that was another lost chance at something, and this last weekend was me having to finally really just let go of that whole idea. So I was extra craving some cuddles and comforting this weekend. Although I was good at not really showing it.
 Funny how life works sometimes though. Last night when at a little house party with some friends Asa happened to be there, another awesome, sweet guy that was in my life about the same time as Nathan was originally. Seeing him again just helped remind me that there are plenty of wonderful, sweet, awesome guys out there, and when I am finally ready there will be someone there for me then.
 Although with my slightly downer internal feeling of yesterday and having seeing Asa again last night and getting to hang out with him, and us being our normal closer, semi cuddly selves with each other I found myself really wanting to go back to my old ways of casual sexness. I wanted to break my celibate track short. I was good though and didn't and managed to think about why I did and what was causing those feelings. A lot of them I've already said in this post. It really came down to just wanted to feel close to someone and loved, having realized that I was able to remind myself that falling back into that track would not lead to feeling loved, that casual sex does not equal feeling loved. That what I was really wanting was only going to come from a true romantic, serious relationship, and that would take time to find, and build up to that point. So although I was really wanting to be touched and held last night I stayed true to what I really needed to be at and doing to help me eventually get to that point that I want to be at. So besides extra hugs and sitting on, or being sat on by Asa, I was good, I went back to my best friend's place, Travis, where I usually stay when visiting and passed out on my couch there.
 I do have to admit though that thankfully it was Asa who I ran into to have this realization. Asa is kind, gentle and takes his time when it comes to such things. So there was no presser coming from him last night. No trying to kiss me or feel me up or anything like that. Just very light, innocent things. If he was more aggressive in that aspect I probably would not of held strong because my wanting of a cuddle buddy last night was so strong. 

Alright I'm going to call that enough for tonight, I was really wanting to go to bed at 10pm tonight, but now it's midnight so that's not happening.

Quit Smoking!

I never realize how many people still smoke cigarettes until I'm in a big city and am surrounded by them. I love walking around down town Portland but these last few years I can't handle it for very long and have been starting to hate it because of how many people are smoking a cigaret. Here in the San Fran area it's not as bad as Portland where there are more hipsters who seem to think it's cool, but it is still around.
 I can't for the life of me figure out how in the world cigarets are still popular. Especially now in the 21st century. We all know how bad they are for us, I also can't seem to see how in the world they might look "cool" to people, I mean really now? You look like an idiot when you hold a cigaret and take a drag from it.
 On top of that I find people who smoke to be terribly inconsiderate to those around them. Making others have to deal with there second hand smoke. On top of that most people who have asthma are greatly affected by cigaret smoke. Even more so than that is the fact that my sister and I are allergic to cigaret smoke, it has the chance to stop my breathing, which is scary as can be. If my sister is around it for too long she breaks out in red puffed up splotches all over.
 I hate people who complain about being poor yet smoke, I mean really now, there is no fucking reason for you to smoke, nothing to gain from it and everything to loose. Stop spending $5+ dollars a day, a week, whatever and put that towards food and bills you dumb fucks.
 You are NOT manley if you smoke, your not cooler, it doesn't give you a mysterious air about you, you can find other things to do to help clear your mind. It makes you look stupid, a douche bag,  an ass hole, it shows just how much of an idiot you really are.
 So put that fag down and quit. Do something better with your time, your money, and your health along with the people around you.

When the shit hits the fan

At work one of my co-workers has been making everyone else's working life uneasy, stressful, the works. She demanded only to work Monday-Friday and only the opening shifts, making it so me and the other font lady had to work weekends no mater what. She has also had a constant bad attitude to us, being rude, mean, the kitchen staff has been calling her crazy for the past few months. She always had a cold, bitchy front but once you got to know her she was okay. Well this whole month she has been cold and bitchy down to the core. Last week she straight up ignored me and the other front co-worker, she also yelled at me for a BS reason and then went back to ignoring me. She also basically stole one of the kitchen staff's personal coffee machine and put in the front for her to use for hot water. When I found out that she didn't ask if it was okay I toke it down and put it in the back with a note saying that wasn't okay. I guess when she got the note she flipped out.
 Over the weekend I was dreading the thought of having to work with her again because of how she has been this month. So in hopes of making things better I wrote her another note, saying I was sorry for the last one, that I didn't mean it to be rude or taken badly. I also added in that I have enjoyed working with her in the past and hope we could get through this tension. Blah blah blah, it was all very nice and sincere anyways, and I put a lot of thought into it too. I figured maybe if I took the initiative and acted like an adult it would help her realize how much of a bitch she's been and straighter herself out.

 NOPE, I was so wrong. I came in today knowing it was going to be our first encounter since the apology note. At first she seemed fine. She went out for a smoke and then came back in where she  walked up to me, slammed her hand down on the counter and started going off on me, in a very rude, raised voice. She was insulting me, calling me a little girl and that I better never "fucking" tell her what to do, that she had more experience than me, constantly trying to emphasize the little girl part like she was trying to assert her dominance over me. Yeah lots of practically yelling, putting me down, basically throwing my apology in my face. On top of that she did this in front of customers. Yeah I was pretty livid.
 A bit after all that once I had dealt with the customers I decided to take a step out to cool down. On my way out I felt tears well up to my eyes. Most encounters like this don't affect me, they make me pissed for sure but they don't make me break down and cry. So I asked myself what the hell is up with this? Then it hit me, the way she acted reminded me all too well of Stacy, the step-mom that beat me, emotional abused me and neglected me. All of a sudden I was slammed right back to that 2-5 year old girl who was told she wasn't worth anything, who almost every time Stace snapped like the co-worker did today it ended with a hard military trained smack. So since that moment today I've been feeling very unsafe. I managed to pull it together during work, and gave the bitch my "I am stronger than you" face, along with a cold shoulder and not nice looks. I did call the owner after work today and told her what happened. On the way home though my strength, my mask of I'm okay started falling. I kept reminding myself that I needed to hold it together for a bit longer. I almost totally broke down once I hit the driveway and did by the door. Now I'm down in my room. A place where I feel safe, I've broken down and will probably do so a few more times tonight...
 Older women, like 50's and above, going off their fucking rocker at me and yelling at me seems to be my trigger for the abuse that Stacy did to me. I am aware of it now, I'm not sure how to go about fixing this one right now though... I don't know where to start besides now just being aware of it. And I still feel so unsafe and unprotected today. It really sucks.

Disney

 Here is a little rant about Disney. I'm not going to lie, I'm a total sucker for Disney. BUT their underline lessons for what relationships are and how women should be, especially the older Disney movies, are FUCKED UP. Now there is a lot to go on with this topic, there are so many physiological issues when it comes to the Disney topic, but today I'm really only going to touch on one today.
 One true love, the idea that there is only one person out there for you. as a survivor of multiple sexual abuse and multiple abuse in general who has relationship issues and shies away from any relationship that seems it might be legit, this idea causes a problem for me. Pretty much every girl who's been exposed to Disney dreams about and looks for her "one true love." For me it adds another fear, like "What if I've missed this person?" I've pushed away so many great, amazing guys in my life due to my whole relationship issues, and what if I can't enter into a relationship with said person if and when I do meet him. Now a true Disney believer might say that because I didn't end up in a long, lasting, loving relationship with them than they weren't my one true love and that he is still out there.
 Bull shit, let's be honest here, when people first enter a relationship that ends up working out and marriage and all that stuff that they want. It's because both partners were finally ready to "settle down" so to say. They were both willing to actually put the work into a healthy, working relationship, besides just letting passion and love rule them. A real, lasting relationship takes time and effort and work from both partners, of course it's rewarding, wonderful and all that as long as both patterns are committed to it. It still takes effort though because you are trying to make two very different people's lives work together, there is always ups  and downs, plus the learning that everyone changes to some degree as they grow, things change, and learning to change and grow with their partner instead of wondering what happened to the person they first started dating.

Anyways there's my little rant for the morning.

Heart Palpations

I've been having light palpation for the last hour now. Which for me are usually connected to unconscious thoughts and emotions usually having something to do with my abuse. This one started when I was watching a Lady Antebellum music video called "Just a Kiss". Which is basically about the start of a new relationship, moving slowly into it "doing it right". Anyways I found it touching and enjoyable.
 Although it also brought up my own fears about my issues with relationships. I love the idea of them, but I am still scared of entering into an actual loving, trusting, healthy relationship. I'm afraid I'll never be able to get past that fear of being hurt and abused by someone I trust. I'm afraid of still feeling dirty and bad when expressing loving feeling through sex.

Something that's been on and off my mind for the last few days has been healthy relationships. I've always withdrawn from potential relationships that I felt would be healthy, trusting and all that good stuff that we should be running towards. Yet have always been drawn to the bad ones, I've been fine with relationship when I knew they wouldn't last very long, when I could always keep myself very guarded. On top of that because of the fact that I don't care if people know about my abuse and feel that anyone close to me should know at least the basics, I would usually give just the basics to the person I was with at the time. Which would make them think that I was trusting in them and even showing my commitment to that relationship. Which was never the case. Funny how some guys will willingly believe that I've changed with them and thus have become committed to that relationship even though I usually give them the warning that I don't do well with relationship and will drop and run with little notice and no explanation, and then they were surprised when I did.

In my celibacy, my "healing vacation from sex" as one of my books calls it, because not only am I being celibate right now I am purposefully taking time for myself without sexual touch or connection, I am steering away from relationships and dating right now so that I don't end up feeling like I have to give in to sex to anyone. So there is a for sure no sex right now thing and then also, once I feel like I'm ready to start having it again I'm going to wait until I am in an actual committed relationship, so also no sex in the simple starting to date, get to know you process anymore, on top of the no more casual sex, or flings. No more "light" relationships, friends with benefits, none of that crap.

With that in mind I came across this quote today in my book "The Sexual Healing Journey"
"Take gradual steps. Focus on feeling safe and comfortable, asserting your needs and handling your automatic reactions. You will stop withdrawing by slowly moving forward with other safe behaviors, such as exploring nonsexual intimate touch, communication feelings and needs, pacing sexual experiences. Proceed gently."

I found it very fitting for me right now.

Besides all that I've been happy and at ease these last few days, week even. Not working on anything really emotionally hard right now. So I haven't felt that constant emotional drain this last week. Although I've also failed at getting up and doing my early morning gym workout... but that might of also been because our water was out all last week and I really didn't want to shower at the gym. I did one day though but not for an early am workout, I went in during the night since I was failing in the morning.
 Last Monday-Tuesday I got to spend time in ptown with Sarah and Sadie, that was so nice after going through that first hard week of really attacking this healing journey. I've known both those ladies for a very long time, and they know my past and have even been there for some of my healing processes. Sarah was there and helped me when I was first looking for a book that focused more of the sexual healing of abuse. They have been awesome, it has been great talking to them a little here and there about what I'm going through right now. I'm happy that I'm staying very aware that I do have close friends that I can talk to as I work through this all, instead of pushing everyone out of my life during a time of big healing like I usually do. But also remembering that I need those nice little fun breaks to remind me that there is more to life than just healing. Like having the last two Monday evenings to travel into ptown and go get hot coco and truffles with Sarah, to the book store and just sitting around eating cake and drinking tea. Having the chance to touch a bit on what and where I am at but also making sure to just have fun and enjoy life too. Like this last Monday-Tuesday getting to share my Halloween costume idea and then running all around the place with Sadie trying to find the fabric and a pattern I could easily adjust and add on too that would work and other random things.
 I love being all crafty and creative and I have fun making costumes and putting things like that together. Right now I am actually sewing the thing together. It's looking fantastic by the way! I'm so excited for it.

These next few weeks are going to be a little crazy. I leave for a business trip in California Saturday, but I will be stopping in Vallis for that day to see those friends of mine there, and also on my way back home that next weekend too. Home and back to shitty paying job for a few days then back to Vallis for actual fun Halloweenness which of course I am stocked about because I love Halloween.

I love my CURVES

I love my lady curves. The majority of my abuses happened when I was 2 years old to 6 years old. When I was really, really tinny (I still am tinny but at least now I'm grown lady tinny, not little kid tinny). I was skinny as could be and straight as a rod. I stayed very flat chested through most of puberty and never needed to wear a bra until college. Although when I did hit puberty I did get a nice round "bubble butt" as my mom calls it. So beautifully round that I have a decent amount of black guys go out of their way just to compliment me on my bottom because they never see a white girl with such a "fine ass". I've always been proud of my butt. It is beautiful and strong, not a slap of fat but full of powerful muscles. My physical therapist was stunned when I was going through my leg issues, he was checking my hip aliment and seeing if my muscle masses were equal to see if either of those was the cause to my leg issues. He, very professionally appropriate, complemented me on how muscular my butt was, saying how most women's butts are just flab and fat, having nothing actually solid to them, but mine was solid, total muscle with very little fat, he was blow away. For not only did I have these extremely muscular legs that if it wasn't for the leg issues he could take and sell to top professional athletes and make bank, but me as a whole, nice round butt included was solid too and beautifully musculared all around.
 Not too surprising to me since I never wanted to be weak and thus worked hard to be strong.

I love my curves. This year I've actually have made it to a "B cup" with my breasts. I was so estatic when I found this out, and the whole time when I noticed they were growing. For no longer am I flat chested. I have curves, I look different than a little, little girl who was taken as sexual pray. I am strong, I have the curves of a woman. It makes me proud.

More than that it helps me feel safer in my own body. For if I am strong, and don't look like a little tinny girl, and don't have the same shape as a little girl, than the less likely I am to be some sick fuck's sexual pray, right? At least in my experience that's been the case.

I realize this doesn't help in the fact that way too many guys try, way too hard to go after me now, but as I said, I am now a strong woman. I have no problem shooting guys down... or elbowing them in the ribs if they try to get a little too frisky on the dance floor.
I probably get a little too much sadistic pleasure in shooting some punk ass guy who thinks he is all that down... and even more for elbowing them in the ribs when they try to dance too close or to friskily with me. 

Why Blog? And Role Models

Why I blog about this healing process:
 In some ways it's my "yelling at the world" that these things happen. It's me speaking up, but in my own way. Also if another survivor happens to stumble upon this there is a chance it might help them. Even in the simplicity of knowing they aren't the only ones going through it.

 Role Models:
I've been told by a few friends that I am their role model, their inspiration in a tough time. Letting them know that no matter how hard things get you can get through it. Having lived through all the abuse I have, and also the last few years of my medical history, having a double leg surgery and getting a drug resistant staph infection from it, that colonized in my body, and then my G.I. track failing. A lot of my friends watched as my body withered away and I dropped under 90lbs. Yet were inspired by how every time they saw me I was smiling. That some how I would wrangle up the energy to make it to our social dances, although not always able to dance but to still be there with them. They learned from me how to make the best out of what life has given you, and even if it's a shitty situation it's not going to last, especially if you keep a good attitude, keep your chin up and keep fighting.

What my friends don't know is that a lot of them are MY role models. My inspirations. They are the people who have never been hurt and broken by abuse, they grew up with mostly normal, healthy childhoods. They have managed to have good healthy relationships, some of them even married now, and with beautiful children or children on the way. They are the people I look to, and inspire to be like, not pulled down by abuse. To be able to have a healthy, safe, relationship. To enjoy healthy sex of my choosing. Through them I can see what it should be like, what my goals are. I may not have been able to see it for myself but I can see their healthy, normal-ish lives (what is normal anyways? :D ).

Damaged Goods

Part of healing sexually is changing what you believe your personal value is. On the outside I've always given off a very strong, high personal esteem. Although if I dig deeper I know it is not so, especially when we put it in the concept of sexual beliefs. My book "The Sexual Healing Journey" By Wendy Maltz gave 3 main false labels, mistaken conclusions that victims will associate themselves with. Just reading the titles of them hit really deep for me. "1: I am basically bad. 2: I'm a sexual object. 3: I'm damaged goods." Although each of these hit hard the last hits the hardest for me. There was a quote in this section that hit me every hard, something I've felt for a long time and very rarely admitted it to myself or anyone other. "I don't feel entitled to some very human things like love, a relationship, or marriage."
 I want a happy, healthy relationship. I love the idea of it, of having a companion. I would love to find my person and to enter into a marriage someday. I have almost always believed that such a thing would never be possible for me. I believed this to me the case so far to my core that I was utterly surprised when I ended up in the relationship with Quinn and for the first time actually loved someone in that romantic relationship way, and was loved back. For the first time I saw that I could have that. That I had a chance, and I wasn't too damaged. Which also made the loss of that relationship so much harder and took me so long to recover from. So far I haven't had anything close to it since, but I am still young and that is why I am on this journey. I need to find a way to break this belief that I am "damaged goods" that I am just an "object" not worthy of love, a relationship or marriage.
 These thoughts have been on my mind for the last 3 days, and every time I stop and really think about it again and bring up that term "damaged goods" it brings me to tears.

Breathing breaks from healing aren't totally breaks...

I've been taking a little break from my intensive healing process these last few days. Which was much needed. Not just a relaxing stage but also in helping with the healing process. It has allowed my mind to wrap its self around the new ideas of what healthy sex actually is and what I've thought and associated sex with was always sexual abuse.
 In these "break" days my emotions on the whole subjects has been shifting as I go through each stage connected to this healing section. Scared at first, than enraged and angry. Eventually sad and mournful for all the years I've lost of having good relationships and good healthy sex within them.
 I've been uneasy with men this week, and angry and filled with a rage towards them. I got very snippy with Nathan a few days ago when he told me he doesn't think he is a good fit for me and my situation right now. In my extra annoyed with guys state right now his comment pissed me off. For one this healing process is for me and me alone right now, no one else fits into this. Maybe one day when I'm in a serious relationship then will be the time that that someone is allowed into this process because it would affect them. At this moment it does not affect anyone besides me. I told Nathan what I was in the process of right now as a courtesy, nothing more. I never expected nor wanted him to be my partner in this process. That kind of thing would take us getting to know each other on a deep level and having an unbelievable amount of trust in each other, especially on my part. Now I do understand to a point what he meant by it, but I still believe he doesn't really have a say. I also do realize I am a stubborn ass sometimes and totally unyielding on certain subjects.
 I do believe I've told him my current situation at the wrong time, and sadly it seems it's added another rift between our friendship. I have no clue if there will be any mending, bouncing back from the point that we are at right now. At the surface level I could really care less at this point, but I know that's only because of my current attitude towards guys right now. When in reality I am saddened by this and hope that things do get better. It's a bummer that our whole rehanging out, sexual flare up and everything just so happened to go on at the same time that I was becoming aware on how much I needed to start this healing journey of mine and then actually starting it. It adds to the annoyance that if I could of done this sooner things may not of been so, or if the abuse never happened I'd never be in this position all together. If that was the case though I would of been a completely different person. Since the abuse started at such a young age it had a hand in shaping my entire being.
 With this whole Nathan escapade I've realized that my first thoughts on needing to be celibate are probably best. So for the 2nd time in my life since becoming sexually active I'm flying that celibacy banner. I've also decided that when I do become sexually active again I don't want to have anymore casual sex. I've had a few casual relationships in the past and now going through all this I can see how those relations may not of been the best for me.
 With that said Kody and I are talking on a more regular bases and even more so this week. Kody and I have been friends for a long time, since high school. We've also been off and on lovers, and of course off and on enemies, so to say. Anyways this week we've been talking a lot more and hanging out. I made it very clear to him before hanging out that there is to be no sexual contact between us, I am celibate right now and this is why. I could of sworn he knew about the abuse considering our once mutual best friend knew my story well and is one of the few people to see me actually really angry, enough so that I was damn close to destroying a shitty excuse for a boy. Anyways he didn't, I'm sure he did but probably just doesn't remember, it really wouldn't surprise me. So I gave him a basic overview. With that said he asked me a bunch of questions about it, which is 100% alright with me, because most people haven't been abused and don't know what it's like so it is human nature to be curious about what it was like, how it affected me. I know a lot of my friends are curious but most don't feel it's okay to ask me due to the tenderness of the subject. Kody knows me well enough that he knew it was alright to ask, and if I wasn't comfortable answering something I would of told him.
 It was actually pretty nice for me to answer those curious questions, it helped give me some insight on what a regular non abused human might think about such things. Hanging out with him and talking with him on a more regular bases now is the main reason why I've decided I should probably ex-nay the casual sex out of my life too. Since any sexual activity between us was casual, at one point it had the chance to be more but we both let that slid away a long time ago.
 Having sexual contact reserved just for actual relationships would help reinforce the idea and thoughts of healthy sex and not confuse it with sexual abuse in my head. Just having sex be as a more intimate communication with a serious partner and not just a physical release without emotions attached.

Anyways I do believe I'm about ready to re-dive into my consciously working on this journey now that my emotions and responses have settled down a bit and became a little more even. I'm still annoyed with guys and all that but it's not as bad anymore. I think I can control my sniping remarks a little more now and calm that rage if it shows it's ugly head more.

Change in thinking, change in attitude.

Today, I've noticed a change in my mindset when it comes to sexualness. After finding that beautiful quote last night that compared sex to a dance where the partners melt into one. With that idea in my head that that is how healthy sex should be like I felt very cheated. When a dance with a specific partner ends up feeling like that, it is so amazing. It is by far one of my favorite things about social dancing, and why I love it so much, because there is that ability. It makes the dance so much more exciting, it feels great, there is an emotional high even to it. Afterwards the two partners are almost always so mind blown and happy that they did that, and share their enthusiasm for what just happened. So knowing what that feels like, I feel very cheated out on that kind of experience when it comes to sex. It' makes me sad to think about it. Also even more betrayed by those who hurt me because they didn't just abuse me and hurt me, but they took away years that I could of had that kind of connection with someone, years that I could of had the chance to form a healthy relationship and sexual relationship with someone. Years that sex wouldn't of been dirty, sinful, bad, scary, and painful for me but instead another way to share love with someone, a bridge of loving communication that words couldn't describe.
 Right now I'm not just feeling angry at this but also sad and hurt, as the day continues it seems the sadness and hurt take over more than the anger. Although it sucks to feel such emotions it is also good, it shows me that my thoughts and beliefs on sex are starting to change. So although it is hard, it is good, it is a process of healing and I do welcome it.

 I've noticed this week since I've really started heading on this new healing path that my attitude towards men has changed. I am much more annoyed and even angry with them, but I'm totally okay with the guys that are already in my life, that I am close with. So this last weekend I was totally fine being with Nathan, that one guy that I talked about in earlier posts, I've decided it's way to confusing just to be like "that guy" so I'm just going to use names. Anyways I was fine being with him last weekend, and with hanging out and sleeping on Travis, Chris and Keenan's couch and hanging out with all my vallis guys. Saturday when we went out dancing though I was NOT okay with any guy coming up and dancing with/grinding on me. Which I am usually not okay with anyways but that night it striked a fury inside me so every single guy that came up to me and started rubbin' his nasty body against mine that night received an unforgiving elbow to the ribs, or solorplex, or just right into the gut, whatever was closest... I'm very amazed I didn't end up starting a fight or getting kicked out. But then again I think every guy who tried something and everyone who saw just accepted that the guy semi deserved it. Most of us believe you should introduce yourself before grinding on a girl or at least slowly move into it. That night these guys were just jumpin on it, no nice polite way in, no seeing if the girl would be okay with it. If you are wondering, no I still don't feel sorry, also Sean and Travis found it very amusing to see those kind of tools actually get what they deserved for acting that way.
 Yesterday I went to the gym at 6am to run on my low impact running machine. Well there was this older guy there, it looked like he was "training" a younger guy in less shape than him. A few times he looked over at me it what seemed to me like a kind of trying to figure out a way in to offer his "skills" to help me out. Thank heavens he did not though because I would of blown up on him. I dislike guys coming up to girls in the gym acting like they need help and need to be shown how to do things or be "trained." I'm sorry I'm an ex-ballerina, ex-ski racer. I'm use to working out hard core, also I've spent lots of time in the gym doing weights and cardio, and even use to train some of my guy friends and help them out with their routines so they could achieve their goals. I in no way want some old guy who's done so many weights to make his old body seem somewhat acceptable and semi tool like coming up to me trying to help. It's insulting.
 I'm doing another early morning workout tomorrow and am hoping he won't be there. Anyways, so my attitude towards men has become very intolerant and angry with them right now, at least men that I don't know, or don't know well, or just don't like. I'm not too surprised by this, I know as my healing continues it will get better.

 My whole life I've always became friends with guys much faster and easier than I do with girls. I've always wondered about this, but threw this process I've figured it out. Out of all the abuse the ones that did the most damage to me where the ones the women committed. Joan blaming me for being sexually abused when I was 2-3 year old and done by her son, telling me it was bad and dirty. Stacy neglecting me and all the emotional abuse she put me through on top of the physical and for years. Those words and actions caused a lot more damage with me mentally. My biggest issues over the years that I've dealt with were all damage that Stacy caused. So although I learned guys were sexual fiends it was the women who caused the most damage to me.

Relearning what sex is.

 Having been sexually abused at such a young age my learning of what sex is was incorrect, because I was shown what abuse was, but not what healthy sexuality was. So right now I am in the process of relearning what healthy sex, sexuality actually is. I'm trying to make my most sub-concise thoughts about sex realize that what they think is sex isn't sex at all, but abuse. So I'm trying to create a new meaning to the word sex for me, which means unlearning what I "know" and relearning what is correct. Inserting correct ideas and thoughts of what healthy sex actually is. In hopes that someday those deeper sub-concise ideas of what it is won't taught what I am actually having, and trying to participate in.

Today when I was thinking back on my sexual experiences so far I realized that the times I didn't feel disgusted about sex afterwards, or during, was when I was dating Quinn. I didn't allow a relationship between us to start until after I fully trusted him. At the time I was celibate too so there was no just being pushed over and allowing a sexual fling like I have done in the past. Our first time he asked me gently and kindly to even kiss me, knowing my past he took it slow. Our love for each other once we established a serious relationship came on quick because we had already build up that intense trust in each other before I ever allowed anything to happen. During our time together, especially during baths he allowed me to examine his penis, to get use to it, to understand how it worked more fully, he would show me fun little things he would do with it as a kid. He didn't laugh at me for it, he said he had his whole life learning what it did and it was perfectly okay for me who never grew up with one to take some time to look at it and learn about it, and even play with it in a totally nonsexual way. This allowed me to become comfortable with his body, and even more so with him. Sex between us was always something wonderful for me, he would tell me how beautiful I was, how much he loved me. The belief that sex was dirty, bad and sinful shattered into pieces when it was put in context with his and my relationship.
 I still remember today my thought pattern on that. I've always believe that if there was a God, he was a kind and loving God. Thus I couldn't understand how such an act as sex when done between two people who loved each other and done as a way of connecting each other and sharing that love could be seen as bad and sinful in his eyes. Thus why I never had any of those thoughts when I was with him.

Now on the other side of things. My next relationship after Quinn was with a guy named Mark. As with Quinn I pushed Mark away until I had gained a certain amount of trust with him although not near as much as I had with Quinn, also I was no longer on the celibate strike. Mark got off on calling me a "dirty girl" and "slut" during sex. Which shut me down, once again I was back into feeling disgusted with sex, and in our relationship my sexual drive died, completely. Whereas with Quinn I had such a high sexual drive. Sex with Mark was also very fierce, it was a fast past, he was almost always in control, which I'm sure didn't help things either. The whole last month of Mark's and my relationship I pushed him away sexually, which he respected because he knew my past but also because at the time my G.I track had failed so I was barely 90lbs when I was with him, I was this dainty very frail thing that he was trying so hard to protect and to help keep me well.

I found these comparisons very interesting and a very big insight to how my mind works. Before I never made the connection as to why my sex drive died with Mark, and why it thrived with Quinn, it just didn't occur to me. But also I wasn't ready to start healing sexually, I didn't realize that there was a sexual problem with me.

Although I've done most of my healing and self work on my own without guidance, there are a few times when I have needed some extra help. I like to turn to the book "The Courage to Heal: A guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse" By Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Two years ago, after I was with Quinn and when I was with Mark I decided to see what it was like to talk to a therapist. I was going threw really hard medical issues at the time so most of my time and energy was being put towards just trying to get back to an okay health level and dealing with school, my first love and the lose of him and then a new relationship not too long after that, my energy was pretty spent so I figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot. That in that time of my life I needed an extra helping hand and especially one with some training. I found it very helpful, my therapist was able to walk me threw issues that I was stuck on, like discovering why I didn't think sex with Quinn was disgusting. Also where that thought came from.
 After my health recovered I eventually went back to working solo on my abuse healing. Right now though this sexual healing is something much more intense and driven so deep into me that I'm finding I need a little more help again. The Courage to Heal book doesn't really touch enough into the sexual healing that I need so I went out a found another book, "The Sexual healing Journey: a guide for survivors of sexual abuse" by Wendy Maltz. So far I'm already a quarter of the way threw it. I'm reading it every chance I get, then stopping and thinking about things, then blogging or journal-ling about what thoughts are coming up. I've been needing to take this step for a long time but until this year, never really new how to. So a lot of the things I've already worked on to some extent, or have thought about and acknowledged. But there is still a lot that needs to be done. I know I'm not going to fix everything over night, I know it might take a long time for some of these things to finally click in. But I'm excited to be moving that direction.

With that said I'm really trying to relearn what is the actual meaning for healthy sex, and trying to separate those ideas and beliefs from abuse. I understand it and believe it on the surface and have for many years, it's probably why I do get the amount of pleasure that I do out of sex, but I don't have that belief all the way to my core, in the heart of everything is still that nasty old woman blaming me for the sexual abuse that was done to me, telling me that any sexual contact was bad, dirty, and sinful and that if I ever did anything like that again I wouldn't go to Heaven. Now I am not a Christan. I am not religious, I am very spiritual, but I don't really know if there is a heaven or hell. But that belief that she put into me is still there, so far down into my sub-conscious, even though now with my logical mind it doesn't make sense to me and I can argue it and prove it wrong in so many ways it is still there. So it is going to take time to dig up that nasty poisonous seed, rip out all of its roots and destroy it so it can never attach it's self to me again.
  In the sexual healing journey book I am reading right now and using as my bases for my healing at this time I came across this one quote, that put the idea of what healthy sex actually is in a way that I could finally really understand, because although I got what it was saying threw the whole book, it was all things I had already accepted on the outside layer. Nothing until this quote was able to actually penetrate deeper.

"Sex can be seen as sharing one's essence with a beloved, trusted partner, feeling the momentary pleasure of union, like the pleasure of dancing together as one"
I love this analogy because I can connect to it. I love dancing and I love social dancing, especially when it feels like our bodies mend into one. I have felt that, I understand that feeling, it is a joyous dance when that can happen. I'd like to think of sex as a really good West Coast Swing. Because in all the other dances the man leads, but in WCS there is so much play allowed and time when the female can lead. The best dances for WCS is when both partners get to lead equally, it becomes a dance of give and take, thus no one is dominating and no one is submitting. You share the floor as equals, both partners needed to make the merge, and both having to give and take to make it work.

Sexual Healing and My Story

I'm just now starting on a new journey of my healing process. This one deals with healing myself sexually and hopefully healing some of my relationship issues that I have. (More on this at the bottom if you want to just skip past the history of my abuse)

I realize I haven't actually shared my story on this blog yet, and to understand the issues that I will probably end up blogging about from here on out dealing with my sexual healing, it is best to have an idea why I have these issues.
When I was late 2's my mother and I lived at my grandparent's house, my mom had just divorced my biological dad and we had moved back to the States from Okinawa, Japan. My mother's family is one that is a perfect example of the circle of abuse. Clare, technically my grandfather, my mother's dad (I don't recognize this side of the family anymore so I call them by their names and not by our blood relationship.) Clare sexually abused my mother, and probably her two sisters, along with some kind of abuse to the other guys in that family too. They are considered a very good Christian, Mormon family so there was 8 children total and would of been more if Joan (grandma) didn't end up with cervix or uterus cancer from HPV and had to have her parts removed. Anyways long story short Clare abused the older children, some of the older boys abused the younger ones. Don, the youngest boy in the family than sexually abused me. He was only 13 at the time. When we lived there he would draw me down to his room in the basement with the allure of getting candy. Instead of candy he would remove his pants and mine and go to town... They say some survivors will "split" during trauma, especially sexual trauma at a young age. That is what I did, I only remember the before and after and a few moments of during from inside my own body, otherwise everything else at least when I recall it to memory is me observing it as like a 3rd person in the room. I remember that I felt pain and what I understand now to be sexual arousal, of course not of my wanting. Plus at that age I didn't understand it, it didn't make sense to me. Eventually he was caught, by his twin sister and she told Joan. I was taken into Clare and Joan's room first to be talked to about what happened. As the "good Christians" they were I was blamed for what happened, like it was my fault. I was told that any touch of that kind was bad and dirty and that I would never get into heaven if that kind of thing ever happened again. Pretty fucked up right? They had Don come into their room after me to talk to him and I remember hearing yelling from the living room, but I don't know what they ever said to him. Sadly at this time my mom wasn't around much, now being a single mom she was working all the time trying to support her and me and trying to earn enough money so we could have our own place, so she had no clue until the whole thing came out into the open to the family. The worst part about this first incident is that, those are my very first memories of life. My first memories of life is not something nice and loving, or the simplicity of a little child learning how to work their building blocks, but of being violated and used and told I was bad and dirty.
 When I was 3years old to 5 or 6 by law I had to spend the summers with my biological dad Matt. During that time he lived in California now with his new wife and children. At that time I now lived in Oregon with my Dad and Mom, my Dad Dad, technically my step dad but as I said in the last blog when he came into my life he took up all responsibility of a father and more. So he has more than earned his right to be called Dad and a Father. Anyways Matt's new wife Stacey was some piece of work. When Matt was at work, she would neglect me, emotionally abuse me, tell me I wasn't worthy or pretty or good. During night time stories she would always make up a story about her other children being princesses and tell some tale about them, and when they would ask her to tell one about me she would always say no, that I wasn't a good girl and only good girls get stories.To give you an idea on me as a little girl, I was a very well behaved child, I was very quite and did what I was told. My mom and dad had raised me to be very respectful. As told from Matt, my grandparent's (from Matt's side) and Aunts who had some experience with Stacey and saw some of her unacceptable behaviors toward me they all told me that as a little girl I was basically as close to a little angle as a kid could be. Which makes sense to me because after having been through one abuse already and being blamed for it I was terrified of "messing up" again. I remember she would punish me for things the other children did, and when Matt got home she would tell him what "I" did and if he asked if she punished me for it she said no that she didn't feel like it was her place and so I almost always got punished twice, usually for things I didn't do.
 If that wasn't enough of a nightmare with Stacy, she also beat me. There is one time in particular that I remember quite well. I was 5 or 6, towards the end of the Stacy rain. She had sent me to "the wall" for another punishment for something I didn't do. I was finally at my breaking point and I spoke up against her, I told her "I didn't do it!" and eventually I turned away from the wall and yelled at her "I'm telling Daddy what you are doing!" That one remark earned me a backhand across my face, so hard I probably dislocated my jaw that day. Stacy was a really intense work of crazy, she was ex air force, her and Matt would constantly get into fist fights... real nice marriage right? When I was in the picture her children couldn't do anything wrong, and I was the one who did all the bad things. Once I wasn't in the picture anymore she put her children in dangerous situations. Her boyfriends and husbands to follow after Matt molested my sisters, and one of her boyfriends beat my brother so bad it put him into the emergency room. Once her kids started getting old enough and started showing major signs of having lived through abuse and with a mother so fucked up she moved on, they became the bad ones and she started fostering children. Yeah real wonderful piece of work that lady is.
 Those are the two big abuse situations in my life, and are the ones that did the most damage. But, sadly, they were not the only ones, they were just the ones that lasted for a long period of time. At 6 a babysitter's son molested me, he would hold me down against him and rub my privet parts vigorously telling me it was tickling. Which is probably the biggest reason why I am not ticklish today, I've totally shut that sense down and only very rarely will I let my guard down and be ticklish. That family happened to also be Mormon, and and during the time with Stacy she was considered a good Christan and was Mormon too... I have a really big issue with "good Christians" and the Mormon religion. Some where's in those years there was a one time incident when visiting a family friend of my mother's side of the family, where I was downstairs watching TV with this adult guy, who was staying with them at the time, so not anyone that I happened to see after that and also not someone that my Mom can remember either. Anyways he unzipped his pants and pulled out his member and forced me "kiss" it.
 At such a young age I was unable to deal with what happened, so like most abused children, I suppressed my memories. I always knew something happened and something was wrong, but I never allowed myself to think upon it. Until Middle School came around. Everything started coming back to me, most the time in my sleep as horrible nightmares, I would wake up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat and crying because I knew it wasn't just a dream. Those years were really hard for me and my parents. I became terribly depressed and suicidal, I was also filled with anger. I was constantly filled with rage, at everything, I had a hard time coping with it and trying to keep it in check. I was punching walls so I wouldn't end up punching anyone, I was getting into fights. I attempted suicidal handfuls of time, unknown to anyone of course because I didn't want someone to stop me or even know that I was that far gone. I knew I never, ever wanted to show any kind of weakness again for the fear that I would seem vulnerable and taken advantage of again. One day there was an amazing breakthrough for me. For some reason I connected my excessive compulsive need not to show weakness with suicide I realized it was the weak way out, gutless and completely weak, vulnerable. Something I never wanted to be, so from that moment on I stopped being suicide and only had a suicide thought twice in my life since, and not one for a few years now. From that point on I started really working on healing, I looked at everything that happened to me as a lesson, that there was a lesson in all of that that would make me stronger. I also realized that after so much bad, the simple things in life seemed so amazing, it was a blessing to even still be on earth and breathing. So I became a fighter.
 I learned quickly about the cycle of abuse, how victims can fall back into that pattern. My very first relationship was a physically abusive one, the guy threw me into a wall... But at the time I was strong enough, I wasn't going to allow myself to be a victim anymore so I fought back, attempting to give him as many brushes and cuts as he gave me. I ended it fairly quickly and after a few more bad relationships I stopped dating all together, and from that moment on I started having panic attacks when I thought a relationship with a guy was about to get serious. Eventually I became content with flings and temporary lovers who I always kept very far away from my heart in hopes to never be hurt. Late high school, my girl friends and I were sexually harassed and some of us even assaulted by this douche of a guy who was eventually was trialed, found guilty we all got restraining orders against him and he went into probation and was eventually registered as a sex offender because after he turned 18 his parole officer found kitty porn on his computer. That started a whole new set of issues for me, I felt like I should of figured it out sooner and stopped him from hurting anyone.
 Eventually things got easier, and I only had issues pop up once every few months, usually always something small, than once or twice a year I'd have a big thing come up that I'd have to work on. My relationship issues and sex problems are the one thing that have stayed consent. About 3 years ago I made a small break through with the whole relaitonship thing and was able to enter a serious relationship with Quinn. He became my best friend before we ever started dating, we became very close, he worked his way up slowly to earn my trust and eventually started trying to date me, at first I pushed him away, for about a month he stayed my best friend but very lightly let me know the whole time that once I was ready he wanted to be with me. One day it just clicked. He was my first love and we became very attached. He had his own issues he was working on, and with my trust in him and my comforter as a friend not just a lover he was able to become that man he wanted to be. Eventually though he left me for the chance to get back with his ex now that he had became better. I was devastated, because for the first time I had allowed myself to love and to actually be loved back. I felt used, even though I know he loved me he still chose another in the end. Although things ended badly and which much pain on my part, I was still happy it happened because I learned something from it. I learned I could love and allow myself to be loved in return.Which was huge for me. Since Quinn I've managed 2 other serious relationships, neither lasting very long, although the last one wasn't my fault at all, its end had nothing to do with my issues.

There are still things I need to work on with myself int he relationship department but I am getting there.

Now when it comes to sexual healing, this is a totally new section of healing for me. I knew I had a blockage there, but until now had no clue how to start working on it. For me, I don't shy away from sex, and I actually enjoy it. And when allowed to my own ways I have a high sex drive. My issues lie in the fact that I can't orgasm, not even just for myself. I also have a hard time staying present during sex, once it gets to a point my mind won't shut up and is thinking of so many other random things and not just on the act with my lover. I've recently came to realize that it's not just my trust issues but has a lot to do with the fact that Joan drilled it into my head that sexual pleasure is a bad thing. So although I've healed enough to enjoy some of it I can't still get past it enough to allow myself to enjoy it completely. Thus why I hit a wall right before the orgasm part. There are other issues there too that all add up to why I can't and why I can't stay present during sex, but it's good to really actually know and understand one of them now instead of just guessing at it. So hopefully with more work and more understanding I should get there someday, and my lovers wont have to feel so lacking as a man, which even though I tell them why they still can't help but feel like it is partially their own skills and thus feel less manly with me...

Alright that's enough for now, because that is a lot!

Cuddling

Although I have been through a lot of sexual abuse and a few abusive relationships I've always been very touchy feely. Meaning for me that I really enjoy just the closeness of a friend or my lover, especially when it comes in a comforting platonic cuddling way. Which is kind of odd for someone who has been sexually abused, but I always just accepted that that was just who I am.
 I have always loved cuddling and even for a time was basically addicted to cuddles, enough so that when I first went to College and knew no one there and thus did not have any close friends near by that I could get my "dose" of cuddles in it added a new stress upon me. Or if there was times that I went a long period without cuddles I'd get very sad and feel unsafe even. And heaven help me when I was in a relationship and for whatever reason the guy wasn't in a cuddly mood, especially if I was in need of what was to me a very basic comfort. Then I would feel really down and like something was my fault.
 Over time I did ween myself off from needing cuddles all the time, but it is still something that I sometimes crave and always something I enjoy. Any day I am feeling a little down getting some cuddles from a very close friend or my lover at the time does wonders.
 Last night as I was working more on myself, right now I am focusing mostly on trying to fix my relationship issues and healing from the damage all the abuse has done to me sexually, something I'll talk about more later. It finally hit me why I am so depended on cuddles and why I enjoy and crave that kind of physical touch. None of my abusers every cuddled with me, they were either very strictly sexual or physical abuse there was no "pillow talk" no easing into it or them trying to really build up our "relationship" in that kind of way. So the only people that I got cuddles from when growing up was my mom and my dad (technically my step dad but when he came into my life at a young age he took up all responsibility and more of being a father to me), those two people did everything they could to try and keep me safe. They never abused me, so cuddling between me and them was that of a normal, safe relationship between a child and their parent. I realized I associate being safe and comforted with cuddling, and I do feel safe when someone, who is close to me is cuddling me.

Anyways I found this new understand of myself pretty awesome, even though it's a small thing, it's great to know.

Tomorrow is always a new day

I'm back home, my little trip was good though. I'm a little bummed out about it because there were a decent amount of people who were feeling a bit under the weather and the boy needed some space to think and work things out for himself, which is understandable. So needless to say all the things I was really hoping to happen didn't get to happen, we weren't a big active bunch. It was still good though we did get a few hours of frisbee in yesterday and a few people joined me out to the bars last night for dancing. Otherwise it was really chill and laid back.
 Sadly today I'm feeling a little down, which is my own fault cause only you can make yourself happy it just depends on how you look at the world and the situations at hand. So for me right now I just realized I'm only able to get 24hrs of work a week at my job, I live in a very seasonal town and right now we are heading into the low/off season. Well 24 hours a week at min wag does not equal acceptable for me, especially since I'm working 5 days a week and only getting that much so it's not like I'm only working 2 or 3 and just need to add on another day, it's just that the hours at this place are shit and it's only going to get worse.
My boss from the Mt. last winter told me to apply for supervisor positions for this winter, and I did some time ago but haven't heard anything about them since, so I'm not sure if they are just running slow on deciding or if I'm just out of luck. In any case most of those jobs wont start until late October or November.
Today in hopes of fixing my lack of hours thing and wanting a more steady job I checked in to see what the plans were for this autistic guy I take care of, because at the moment I could take over all the days that they need someone to help out and I'd be doing slightly more hours with better pay, that and they prefer me helping out since he is very comfortable with me and we get along well. Right now they are trying to get him to add another day at this opportunity connections kind of place where they try to pare him up with odd jobs and bits to do, but they don't know for sure when that is going to happen. When it does happen I wouldn't have enough hours anymore which just taking care of him. So sadly that wont work out for me right now. :/ So I get to try and juggle the two for the time being.
Then there is the whole I'm still living here, which I do love this town and I love being here, it has most of the the outdoor activities that I like to do, but the crowed at this town are 35 and older, and I'm still in the young 20 year old crowed. So I really miss having social opportunists with people around my age.

So needless to say I'm not looking at all this in the best light so I'm feeling kind of down today. I've been trying to think of things that would help bring my attitude back up because I don't like feeling this way, but not much is exciting me right now.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little better.

Vallis! Yes!

I'm excited right now. I'm down visiting some of my favorite people. That guy and I had our chat last night, so we're on the same page now which is legit. My fears about the fact that I really only go for people that I know I can't have a serious relationship are totally confirmed once again! But I'm okay with this because at least I know realize it and thus can work on it. I know I still have lots of work to do. Although it also makes me happy that we can still hang out and whatnot without the stress of a relationship, especially that of a long distance one, and also allows me not to face some of my issues sooner than what I'm ready for. Which is also me being a wuss and putting them off a bit longer too. I'm not going to lie though, as much as I like to think I'd prefer a legit relationship, when it really comes down to it I'm still scared of them and still really prefer the casual shit.

 My ex, Dex, got in contact with me yesterday for reasons I'm still totally clueless about. So this guy majorly fucked up. We were really good friends before we started dating, he was an awesome guy, but when we were together, unknowing to me at the time, he decided to try heroin... and of course got addicted right away and turned into a total ass. Long story short things built and I was clueless as to why the change and eventually ended up leaving him at the coast during our trip there for my birthday and drove all the way home, thus ending the relationship. A few days after that he finally came to me and told me that he got addicted to heroin and it took me leaving him at the coast that day for him to realize how fast and far he had fallen. Which made everything make sense for me but also made me more angry because as I saw it he chose a high over me.With that said we haven't talked since then which was in March this year... so I'm pretty unsure about chatting with him now, plus it also brings up some of that old anger.

Anyways I'm way distracted right now so I'm going to call this it for now.

Too many thoughts.

So this guy, who has inflicted my mind once again, so easily. I have no clue where this might go this time, because it is different. I don't know what happened but that other lady hurt him somehow. There's been an anger in him this time. That beautiful peaceful energy of his that I first met has been disturbed with whatever inner turmoil he needs to go through right now.
Which of course ties in one of my earlier blogs about how you can't always help someone or that some help it actually bad 'cause it ends up hurting you. Anyways this of course isn't one of those situations where the guys is damaged to the core for some totally unknowable reason. This is the healing process of a single relationship gone wrong and the pain that it caused. Which at some point we have all or will all go through.
 Although this isn't quite the same situation as I talked about in that blog it has some similarities. I have to remember that this is something he has to master himself, and I have no part in it.
We all have our lessons in life we must go through and learn from, some easy, some very hard.

  Now I just realized that my description of someone capturing your mind so quickly might of came off to some as kind of an infatuation, which for some people and sometimes it might be. This one isn't really that kind of case though, because although after having spent some time with him I can admit I wouldn't mind a romantic relationship, for the most part, at least at the beginning I mainly just want his friendship. A chance to get to know him better, to form a bond. The basic human one to one connection with another. For it isn't often that you meet someone with an energy that is similar to your own but different enough too, so that they have the change to balance each other out. In my experience so far in life with these cases being around that person, even in the beginning brings a comfortable even safe feeling.

Eh I've had so many thoughts going threw my head today, most of the very conscious ones dealing with this but other more subdued ones going over figuring out what are my triggers for my what had use to seem totally random heart palpation. I had a very hard, fast one last week, luckily it only lasted a few moments. I went to my mother shortly after just for some comfort because when they are that hard they can be kind of scary and some physical contact like a hug from a loved one just makes things all better. I told he what had just happened and he looked at me and asked what was the trigger, after I said I did not know she told me that those things usually come with some trigger, the smallest of subconscious thoughts can set them off, which also makes the so hard to figure out what the trigger is. At first I shrugged it off but then I started to think more about it, and realized there was a trigger to that one. So now I'm trying to remember if that was anything about some of the others, but since they are so far apart and few (which is good) I don't remember anything. It seems that I must keep that in mind so the next time one comes on I can quickly wonder what was it's trigger and see if I can pinpoint it. This last one I was watching some tv and saw a snip-it of Family Guy where Meg was unknowingly having sex on live tv. Something about that situation really set it off and irked me. Thoughts to think about.

Besides that today I worked all day, both jobs. It was such a beautiful day here, a prefect temperature and very little wind so the river was all beautiful and glossy, as I walked to my 2nd job of the day I wanted nothing more than to go home, grab my sit on top kayak and go out on to that river. Sadly though with the days ending sooner now I didn't get the time to... :/ maybe next week I might get the chance.

Heh so as I'm rambling on in this blog the guy texts me basically saying he things we would slow down on him and I, and I shouldn't stay over until after we've talked. Tomorrow I am going to the town he lives in, where a lot of my other friends still live in too. I had promised some of them that the next two days I had off I'd come and visit. Well that just so happens to be this Friday and Saturday, so I leave tomorrow after work. Well last Saturday unknow to my other friends I came down and spent the whole day and night with him. Anyways I told him after I told the others that I was coming down these days, and said if allowed I'd love to stay with him this trip. He seemed to like the idea and was down for it. Although now it seems that whatever it is he is dealing with right now, that turmoil that I've been noticing has came in between us. Which I knew it would eventually, I just wasn't expecting it to happen so soon, but the sooner the better I guess. I was just hoping for the chance that we might get to create a slightly stronger bond than this before this came up, and also was really looking forward to the chance of getting to spend time with both him and my other really good friends this trip instead of picking one or the other and even trying to get those two houses to meet this time.
 I just find it ironic that when I finally voice the possibility of "romantic relationship" with us, meaning on this blog that I'm pretty sure no one reads, and also to my best friend, Travis, who is one of the people I'm visiting tomorrow, letting him know why I wasn't staying with him and his house. That this comes up and possibly derails that thought. Heh
 In any case, maybe I'll get lucky and will get to talk to him tomorrow night and come to a solution for the moment for us, and if I'm really, really lucky, maybe my hope of having his house and Travis's house meet each other might still happen 'cause I'm sure all of them would get along great.
 Although I'm sure whatever it is he is going through right now has got to be hard, and thus I will have to wait for when he is ready.

Bleeding Week!

Funny thing with sexually active women, who are not wanting children yet. When we first get our period, see that first bit of blood, feel those first cramps. We are stocked at the very least a little bit more at ease with life. Even if we have been really good, using condoms on top of taking our pill at the same dame time every day. Then about 1-5 minutes after it starts and after that first excitement of "yes not pregnant!" we are annoyed that it's bleeding week again and we have to go through that whole process, especially if we are the type to get really bad cramps.
Guys can't seem to understand this, for one they don't really think about the issue of becoming a dad until it's too late (or until they are actually planing on knocking their lady up so they can be parents). Once on the start of my bleeding week I told my boyfriend at the time very excitedly "Yay! I'm not pregnant! You're not going to be a dad!" 'cause I mean bleeding week is usually annoying and a pain in the butt and for me sometimes includes horrible, horrible craps so why not start it off with some excitement and happiness about it until the pain drives that away. Anyways he just looked at me like I was crazy and asked if I was actually worried about it. I told him no but no birth control is 100% affective so it's always a nice little thing to see confirmation that I'm not actually pregnant. I also told him I thought it was a nicer way of letting him know I was on the rag that week. After a bit when he finally kind of got it he chuckled and shook his head at me.

The only time I never worried about if I was pregos or not was when I was on my IUD these last 2 years, because my IDU was more effective than even getting fixed, plus with it I usually didn't have a period anyways. Sadly though I had bad side effects from the IUD and after finally realizing my body wasn't going to get use to it I finally had it removed this summer. So this is now my 2nd period since then and of course it started today, but it just reminded me about that quick joy and than disappointment that you have to go through the whole bleeding thing again.
Heh I think of some silly things sometimes, I know.

Has anyone ever affected you so quickly?

Have you ever found someone that captures your mind so quickly? I found this person about two years ago, I met him at a party, from that one evening with only a little interaction between us the thought of him kept entering my mind. He had a different energy than most and that is why I was pulled towards him. He was truly full of life and seemed to understand and enjoy the sear basic joys that life gives. It didn't take long after that one party that we started hanging out and in a short time created a semi-close bond. It seemed that with more time something more might of came from it, but at that time there was another lady in his life who he was able to see more than me so as is natural they ended up together instead, which is fine and I wasn't taken back by it. I was in a mess of a semi-relationship myself at that time and was spending most of my time trying to end it smoothly and fix myself from all the damage that it had caused me. Since I was in that position I wasn't displeased that he linked up with another who was able to spend more time with him. I was happy to have him as a friend and to see him happy.
 In any case time moved on and past us. This summer I started chatting with him again now that I realized he was back from his abroad trip and hopping to get to hang out with him again since I was missing hanging out with someone of that kind of energy, to be with someone else who enjoyed climbing up a tree and just hanging out for a bit without worrying how silly it looked or any of that bs.
 It wasn't long after that I realized for whatever reason he was single free again. Anyways now we live in different towns so when we've both had free time I've made a trip down to him. It didn't take long for things to flare up between us, and although we aren't really anything right now and in reality we haven't even gotten to hang out that much, my mind is infected with the thoughts of him. More so I think because I just really enjoy his presence. But it seems in such a short period, both times this has been the case. Has anyone every affected you like thus?

Anyways besides that and more on that topic that I'll probably say at a later time. I completed another painting a bit ago, I'll post a picture as soon as I take a decent one. Also I've stared a new one, inspired by this one guy of course. I'm painting a lion right now. When I first met him, it was at this jungle/animal themed party and he was dressed as a lion.

Not all help is good for you.

Some females have this desire, this need to try and fix the broken men for whatever physiological reasons, for each female it is slightly different why they have this desire.

It is one thing to help friends out. For me having been through so much and having accomplished so much healing on my own it is natural that most of my friends come to me for some of their harder life issues, and I am always happy to help. Although in the friend category there are boundaries. Their issues do not have to pull you down. On top of that you are usually just giving them advice and not trying to fix them.

Where as in a relationship you are very much so emotionally connect to this person, and if the are really broken especially to the core, one must always remember that only they and fix themselves. No matter how much you are there for them, until they are ready to change they wont, and if you are one of those females and decide to jump on ship with them, more than likely you'll go down with them.

Even if you are one of the lucky ones and manage to help that guy fix himself, more than likely he will leave you, because now that he believes himself to be fixed and whole he doesn't want to be with someone who knew him as he was, and also you'd be a constant reminder of what he use to be. Not the shining helping angel that you hoped you'd be to him after.

Still learning

Last week I had an amazing break threw with my healing. One that I was needing to do for a very long time. It has opened up many doors for me which is really good. Due to all the abuse I had received as a child and the fact that one of my very first relationships was a horrible, shitty very abusive one I've always had issues with relationships and actually letting someone in, along with feeling sexual pleasure.
 Although given time and me constantly working on things I have gotten better, instead of always turning down every chance at a relationship or closeness with a guy I've managed to actually get into a few these last few years, and even had my first real love. Even though that came at a hard cold price it was still a great learning experience, and it taught me that I could actually love someone and allow myself to be loved in return.

Sadly though since that one relationship and learning break threw I've sat idly by hoping things would change and be better without me doing any of the dirty work, until last week. I've finally accepted and realized that if I do actually want the chance and ability to get into a solid relationship someday then I really do need to work at it. I still have work to do within myself and it is about time I've started.
 I've been feeling this coming on all summer yet wasn't sure what it really was but even my body was telling me I had some new healing to do, my jaw was getting really bad as time went on, causing horrible headaches, I should always realize this is a big sign for me saying "Hey! It's time to work on yourself again and get some more healing done!" Of course it would be some of my old physical injuries from abuse that would start hurting when I need to work on things again... :/

On the bright side I did finally listen and last week I did start on my path, but from now on I need to remember that I need to keep working on this issue, it isn't going to just go away on it's own, I have to constantly work on it. I also need to constantly work on trusting others, but also to be smart about who I trust and also let them know that I am working on trust, and what I expect so that they can help me as well. For it is unfair to set boundaries, rules whatever for someone and expect them to follow when you don't even tell them what they are.

Sept 2nd

It seems that the nights that I just cant fall asleep no matter what I try are the nights when I need to work on healing.
Another night to look at all the hurt and pain that someone else caused me, to learn from it what I can, and to let it go. To release at least some of those huge chains that have been holding me down almost all of my life. For they are not mine to carry. They belong to those who made the mistakes, let them carry the weight of their sins and wrong doing for I will not anymore. I choose to be free of the weight of their bad choices.

Take hold of your chains, take the weight of your actions because it is not mine, and I will not carry it anymore.

Tonight I imagine each giving the huge heavy chain I've carried from each of my abusers back to them. Although I can not do it in person imagining still helps and is still a method of healing, it's the symbolism that matters most.
 I still continue to look for answer to some of the problems I still have from all of that, but at least I am one more step closer.