Financial Stress

No healing right now.

 So it seems the owner/boss of my work has chosen sides with the crazy, drug problem-ed woman who verbally attacks her co-workers. It seems I don't have a job anymore.
 I say "it seems" because the owner/boss hasn't replied to my text, hasn't contacted me in anyway. Today I had to go in to work (it's closed on Sundays right now) to see the schedule because no one contacted me letting me know when my next working day is, which happens every week because the owner only does a schedule weekly and can't seem to get it out any quicker than the last day of work of that week so we don't know if we are working that Monday or not on Friday or even most of Saturday. So I went into work to see when my next working day was to make sure I didn't miss it to see there is a schedule there done up for the next 3 weeks (something she has never done before) and I'm not even written on it at all. I can't believe someone would be so disrespectful to not let someone know that they need to cut back, that they are being laid off. We've know for some time that the season was dying down, how fucking hard is it to tell someone 1-2 weeks before hand that they aren't going to have any work for them in a week or too, thus giving them the chance to look for another job! Or FUCK just call them, or text them, something to let them know they are laid off! Don't be a douche and let them find out by having to go into work to see the schedule and see they weren't even put on it.

So now starts the financial stress. With graduating last year, and not being able to get a "legit" job I've been hit really hard financially and have had to go to credit cards occasionally, and as the time continues those debts have gotten worse. Every time I think I'm about to have them back under control I relax up a bit and they go shooting back up again... right now they are at an all time high and I've been worried about it for some time but have always made sure to make extra payments on them than what the min. is but without a job I'm now scared that I'm not going to be able to make the next payment on them... plus on my student loans, and car loan 'cause my old car just had to die on me last year thus forcing me to by a new one... thus financial stress

So now I have to really put my head down and start doing some big job searching. And sadly with this stress and the need to get a job I have to put my healing aside right now and focus on making sure I can pay my bills.

I really hope this is a blessing, I hope I can pick up some acceptable paying full time job in ptown so I can move close to my friends and out of the parent's house, and be financially stable again since college. That is my goal, wish me luck 'cause right now I really need it.

:/

I try to work on healing a little bit every day, usually right before bed, when I am snuggled up in my bed in my room, all alone, that is when I feel safest. Tonight though I am unable to feel comfortable enough to work on healing although I really want to.
 My mother said something to me that really hurt me and mad me feel uncomfortable and unsafe, which of course what I would of been working on is feeling safe tonight, but as I was going through some of that reading and exercises I just couldn't find it. My chest is tight, my heart is flighty... I do not feel comfortable or safe in my own home tonight.
 My mother had me a few days before she turned 20, when she was married to my biological father who is a total ass, and beat her among other things. She left him and for some time raised me as a single mother, and a young single mother at that. As a child of such situations there is always the scare, the worry that the parent regrets having you at that time in their life. Tonight in a stupid fight when she was over reacting to the way I was testing out the new microwave she said such a thing to me, in a rude, mean voice. Now I do realize she didn't mean it, most likely but it doesn't change the fact that it cut deeper than a sword ever could.
 I don't know why she was in an angry , quick snappy mood for a bit tonight, but she turned it on me and did more damage then I'm sure she even realizes, or could ever imagine.

Just What I Needed

For most of today I was still feeling pretty sad, dealing with the events of the weekend that reminded me of how much I've missed out when it comes to the relationship field, and realizing how many possibly wonderful experiences I've passed over through the years because of my issues with relationships that was as a direct result to the abuse I've been through.
 I wanted nothing more than to sleep all day, I was good though I at least got up and went for a 2+ mile walk/hike before resorting to my couch and playing monster hunters with Travis online, so semi socialness before I turned in for my bed and my silly totally girly addictive tv show. This evening I did end up talking to Charley though, a friend of mine who has also been off and on partners for the last... oh goodness two years now. Our sexual relationship has always been a fairly good one though, even though it was totally casual. We are friends, and sex was just playful and occasionally "For Science!"  which for us made it even more fun and playful. Anyways after asking how his day went knowing he has been a little stressed out recently he asked how I was and I told honestly that I was feeling out of it today. He told me if I needed to talk about it he was there to listen.
 Which happened to be the magical words I needed to hear, because I then just spilled everything. Bless his lovely heart, he listened to me, well read my splurge of information because it was over skype since we are now living one hour away from each other. Charley was just the perfect person that I needed to talk to at that time. Charley was very.. I can't seem to find the right word so here are a bunch to try and describe how awesome he was: benevolent, elevating, considerate, supportive, understanding, caring. Something that involves all of that and more and in this tone of light that's in my head but I can't seem to put it into words.

 Anyways he was just the perfect person for me to talk to at that time. He didn't say too much, at least in comparison to how much I was spilling, but what he did saw was encouraging to me. Appreciating what I've been through, the path I am on now. He suggested that I should be a counselor, that it seemed to be my true calling. Which I found very entertaining because being a counselor or therapist for people has been something I've thought about since I was in middle school, and yet never actually moved towards doing.
 Alright back on track here. In the end after talking to Charley I felt so much better. It seemed all I really needed to do to get over this hump was just actually reach out to someone and tell them how I was feeling and why, and luckily for me Charley was the best person to do that with this time, I needed his responses just as much as I needed to talk to someone.

So it's past the time that I should be in bed, and I've managed to blab on for plenty of time now. I'm calling this post done. Sweet dreams and I hope that the next time you come across the chance at a good, healthy relationship you are able to snag it and enjoy what it can bring for you.

Wanting

So I haven't posted much at all this last week or so, reason for that is because I was in California this whole last week and the week before that I was preparing and getting this ready to leave.
 With that said it doesn't mean my healing process stopped. Although it was put on hold a bit, there was still a lot to work on. The whole unlearning bad, harmful abusive sexual thoughts, ideas, feelings and learning good healthy sexual thoughts, ideas, feelings takes time, and will continue to take time. Sadly it isn't something that can be done in a week, or any other short period of time, although I wish it could. So sadly no big "A HA!" moments, but still lots of good work.

So this last week was my one month mark of being celibate! Yay! Due to the things I've been working on it's been a very easy month. Even with a decent amount of guys trying to make booty calls. Now I wasn't big on booty calls or things like that in the first place, and going a month without isn't that big of a deal either, although usually it was about that time that I would hook up with my current partner at that time. Although I've been in only 3 relationships I was big on casual sex, but I almost always stayed with one partner at a time, and most of those partners I would rotate through during the years, so it wouldn't be constantly new partners.
 Anyways so yay for making it a month, when I realized it had been a month this last week I was amazed that so much time has passed by already, but also because I realized it has been a month since Nathan and I really talked, and hung out and that last one was pretty shitty to say the truth. I tried to hang out with him last weekend when I was passing through vallis for the night, which no luck, but he did at least respond to my messages, text and fb. This weekend though as I was passing through vallis again I got nothing in response. I wasn't surprised at all, I knew since the stop sign was thrown up on this one that that was the end of anything between us. I was just really hoping to keep a friendship. So it seems that whole idea is down the drain and reality has been faced. I must say though it still affected me a bit. Brought my internal attitude down a bit. I think it's more that it was the final touch to everything I've been thinking about and dealing with this last wee.
 I've been dealing and thinking more about relationships this week. My stronger desire right now is to feel loved again, in that serious relationship way. I'm craving the ability to be able to get into a legit relationship a lot more than normal right now. Probably because I am slowly realizing more of what I've been missing out all these years. That idea of good, healthy sexualness, I experienced a bit of that when in my one only actually fully loving relationship so far. I'm curious as to how it would go this time now that I have a better understanding and a better way of thinking.

With that said being pushed away by Nathan this weekend did bring me down, because that was another lost chance at something, and this last weekend was me having to finally really just let go of that whole idea. So I was extra craving some cuddles and comforting this weekend. Although I was good at not really showing it.
 Funny how life works sometimes though. Last night when at a little house party with some friends Asa happened to be there, another awesome, sweet guy that was in my life about the same time as Nathan was originally. Seeing him again just helped remind me that there are plenty of wonderful, sweet, awesome guys out there, and when I am finally ready there will be someone there for me then.
 Although with my slightly downer internal feeling of yesterday and having seeing Asa again last night and getting to hang out with him, and us being our normal closer, semi cuddly selves with each other I found myself really wanting to go back to my old ways of casual sexness. I wanted to break my celibate track short. I was good though and didn't and managed to think about why I did and what was causing those feelings. A lot of them I've already said in this post. It really came down to just wanted to feel close to someone and loved, having realized that I was able to remind myself that falling back into that track would not lead to feeling loved, that casual sex does not equal feeling loved. That what I was really wanting was only going to come from a true romantic, serious relationship, and that would take time to find, and build up to that point. So although I was really wanting to be touched and held last night I stayed true to what I really needed to be at and doing to help me eventually get to that point that I want to be at. So besides extra hugs and sitting on, or being sat on by Asa, I was good, I went back to my best friend's place, Travis, where I usually stay when visiting and passed out on my couch there.
 I do have to admit though that thankfully it was Asa who I ran into to have this realization. Asa is kind, gentle and takes his time when it comes to such things. So there was no presser coming from him last night. No trying to kiss me or feel me up or anything like that. Just very light, innocent things. If he was more aggressive in that aspect I probably would not of held strong because my wanting of a cuddle buddy last night was so strong. 

Alright I'm going to call that enough for tonight, I was really wanting to go to bed at 10pm tonight, but now it's midnight so that's not happening.

Quit Smoking!

I never realize how many people still smoke cigarettes until I'm in a big city and am surrounded by them. I love walking around down town Portland but these last few years I can't handle it for very long and have been starting to hate it because of how many people are smoking a cigaret. Here in the San Fran area it's not as bad as Portland where there are more hipsters who seem to think it's cool, but it is still around.
 I can't for the life of me figure out how in the world cigarets are still popular. Especially now in the 21st century. We all know how bad they are for us, I also can't seem to see how in the world they might look "cool" to people, I mean really now? You look like an idiot when you hold a cigaret and take a drag from it.
 On top of that I find people who smoke to be terribly inconsiderate to those around them. Making others have to deal with there second hand smoke. On top of that most people who have asthma are greatly affected by cigaret smoke. Even more so than that is the fact that my sister and I are allergic to cigaret smoke, it has the chance to stop my breathing, which is scary as can be. If my sister is around it for too long she breaks out in red puffed up splotches all over.
 I hate people who complain about being poor yet smoke, I mean really now, there is no fucking reason for you to smoke, nothing to gain from it and everything to loose. Stop spending $5+ dollars a day, a week, whatever and put that towards food and bills you dumb fucks.
 You are NOT manley if you smoke, your not cooler, it doesn't give you a mysterious air about you, you can find other things to do to help clear your mind. It makes you look stupid, a douche bag,  an ass hole, it shows just how much of an idiot you really are.
 So put that fag down and quit. Do something better with your time, your money, and your health along with the people around you.

When the shit hits the fan

At work one of my co-workers has been making everyone else's working life uneasy, stressful, the works. She demanded only to work Monday-Friday and only the opening shifts, making it so me and the other font lady had to work weekends no mater what. She has also had a constant bad attitude to us, being rude, mean, the kitchen staff has been calling her crazy for the past few months. She always had a cold, bitchy front but once you got to know her she was okay. Well this whole month she has been cold and bitchy down to the core. Last week she straight up ignored me and the other front co-worker, she also yelled at me for a BS reason and then went back to ignoring me. She also basically stole one of the kitchen staff's personal coffee machine and put in the front for her to use for hot water. When I found out that she didn't ask if it was okay I toke it down and put it in the back with a note saying that wasn't okay. I guess when she got the note she flipped out.
 Over the weekend I was dreading the thought of having to work with her again because of how she has been this month. So in hopes of making things better I wrote her another note, saying I was sorry for the last one, that I didn't mean it to be rude or taken badly. I also added in that I have enjoyed working with her in the past and hope we could get through this tension. Blah blah blah, it was all very nice and sincere anyways, and I put a lot of thought into it too. I figured maybe if I took the initiative and acted like an adult it would help her realize how much of a bitch she's been and straighter herself out.

 NOPE, I was so wrong. I came in today knowing it was going to be our first encounter since the apology note. At first she seemed fine. She went out for a smoke and then came back in where she  walked up to me, slammed her hand down on the counter and started going off on me, in a very rude, raised voice. She was insulting me, calling me a little girl and that I better never "fucking" tell her what to do, that she had more experience than me, constantly trying to emphasize the little girl part like she was trying to assert her dominance over me. Yeah lots of practically yelling, putting me down, basically throwing my apology in my face. On top of that she did this in front of customers. Yeah I was pretty livid.
 A bit after all that once I had dealt with the customers I decided to take a step out to cool down. On my way out I felt tears well up to my eyes. Most encounters like this don't affect me, they make me pissed for sure but they don't make me break down and cry. So I asked myself what the hell is up with this? Then it hit me, the way she acted reminded me all too well of Stacy, the step-mom that beat me, emotional abused me and neglected me. All of a sudden I was slammed right back to that 2-5 year old girl who was told she wasn't worth anything, who almost every time Stace snapped like the co-worker did today it ended with a hard military trained smack. So since that moment today I've been feeling very unsafe. I managed to pull it together during work, and gave the bitch my "I am stronger than you" face, along with a cold shoulder and not nice looks. I did call the owner after work today and told her what happened. On the way home though my strength, my mask of I'm okay started falling. I kept reminding myself that I needed to hold it together for a bit longer. I almost totally broke down once I hit the driveway and did by the door. Now I'm down in my room. A place where I feel safe, I've broken down and will probably do so a few more times tonight...
 Older women, like 50's and above, going off their fucking rocker at me and yelling at me seems to be my trigger for the abuse that Stacy did to me. I am aware of it now, I'm not sure how to go about fixing this one right now though... I don't know where to start besides now just being aware of it. And I still feel so unsafe and unprotected today. It really sucks.

Disney

 Here is a little rant about Disney. I'm not going to lie, I'm a total sucker for Disney. BUT their underline lessons for what relationships are and how women should be, especially the older Disney movies, are FUCKED UP. Now there is a lot to go on with this topic, there are so many physiological issues when it comes to the Disney topic, but today I'm really only going to touch on one today.
 One true love, the idea that there is only one person out there for you. as a survivor of multiple sexual abuse and multiple abuse in general who has relationship issues and shies away from any relationship that seems it might be legit, this idea causes a problem for me. Pretty much every girl who's been exposed to Disney dreams about and looks for her "one true love." For me it adds another fear, like "What if I've missed this person?" I've pushed away so many great, amazing guys in my life due to my whole relationship issues, and what if I can't enter into a relationship with said person if and when I do meet him. Now a true Disney believer might say that because I didn't end up in a long, lasting, loving relationship with them than they weren't my one true love and that he is still out there.
 Bull shit, let's be honest here, when people first enter a relationship that ends up working out and marriage and all that stuff that they want. It's because both partners were finally ready to "settle down" so to say. They were both willing to actually put the work into a healthy, working relationship, besides just letting passion and love rule them. A real, lasting relationship takes time and effort and work from both partners, of course it's rewarding, wonderful and all that as long as both patterns are committed to it. It still takes effort though because you are trying to make two very different people's lives work together, there is always ups  and downs, plus the learning that everyone changes to some degree as they grow, things change, and learning to change and grow with their partner instead of wondering what happened to the person they first started dating.

Anyways there's my little rant for the morning.

Heart Palpations

I've been having light palpation for the last hour now. Which for me are usually connected to unconscious thoughts and emotions usually having something to do with my abuse. This one started when I was watching a Lady Antebellum music video called "Just a Kiss". Which is basically about the start of a new relationship, moving slowly into it "doing it right". Anyways I found it touching and enjoyable.
 Although it also brought up my own fears about my issues with relationships. I love the idea of them, but I am still scared of entering into an actual loving, trusting, healthy relationship. I'm afraid I'll never be able to get past that fear of being hurt and abused by someone I trust. I'm afraid of still feeling dirty and bad when expressing loving feeling through sex.

Something that's been on and off my mind for the last few days has been healthy relationships. I've always withdrawn from potential relationships that I felt would be healthy, trusting and all that good stuff that we should be running towards. Yet have always been drawn to the bad ones, I've been fine with relationship when I knew they wouldn't last very long, when I could always keep myself very guarded. On top of that because of the fact that I don't care if people know about my abuse and feel that anyone close to me should know at least the basics, I would usually give just the basics to the person I was with at the time. Which would make them think that I was trusting in them and even showing my commitment to that relationship. Which was never the case. Funny how some guys will willingly believe that I've changed with them and thus have become committed to that relationship even though I usually give them the warning that I don't do well with relationship and will drop and run with little notice and no explanation, and then they were surprised when I did.

In my celibacy, my "healing vacation from sex" as one of my books calls it, because not only am I being celibate right now I am purposefully taking time for myself without sexual touch or connection, I am steering away from relationships and dating right now so that I don't end up feeling like I have to give in to sex to anyone. So there is a for sure no sex right now thing and then also, once I feel like I'm ready to start having it again I'm going to wait until I am in an actual committed relationship, so also no sex in the simple starting to date, get to know you process anymore, on top of the no more casual sex, or flings. No more "light" relationships, friends with benefits, none of that crap.

With that in mind I came across this quote today in my book "The Sexual Healing Journey"
"Take gradual steps. Focus on feeling safe and comfortable, asserting your needs and handling your automatic reactions. You will stop withdrawing by slowly moving forward with other safe behaviors, such as exploring nonsexual intimate touch, communication feelings and needs, pacing sexual experiences. Proceed gently."

I found it very fitting for me right now.

Besides all that I've been happy and at ease these last few days, week even. Not working on anything really emotionally hard right now. So I haven't felt that constant emotional drain this last week. Although I've also failed at getting up and doing my early morning gym workout... but that might of also been because our water was out all last week and I really didn't want to shower at the gym. I did one day though but not for an early am workout, I went in during the night since I was failing in the morning.
 Last Monday-Tuesday I got to spend time in ptown with Sarah and Sadie, that was so nice after going through that first hard week of really attacking this healing journey. I've known both those ladies for a very long time, and they know my past and have even been there for some of my healing processes. Sarah was there and helped me when I was first looking for a book that focused more of the sexual healing of abuse. They have been awesome, it has been great talking to them a little here and there about what I'm going through right now. I'm happy that I'm staying very aware that I do have close friends that I can talk to as I work through this all, instead of pushing everyone out of my life during a time of big healing like I usually do. But also remembering that I need those nice little fun breaks to remind me that there is more to life than just healing. Like having the last two Monday evenings to travel into ptown and go get hot coco and truffles with Sarah, to the book store and just sitting around eating cake and drinking tea. Having the chance to touch a bit on what and where I am at but also making sure to just have fun and enjoy life too. Like this last Monday-Tuesday getting to share my Halloween costume idea and then running all around the place with Sadie trying to find the fabric and a pattern I could easily adjust and add on too that would work and other random things.
 I love being all crafty and creative and I have fun making costumes and putting things like that together. Right now I am actually sewing the thing together. It's looking fantastic by the way! I'm so excited for it.

These next few weeks are going to be a little crazy. I leave for a business trip in California Saturday, but I will be stopping in Vallis for that day to see those friends of mine there, and also on my way back home that next weekend too. Home and back to shitty paying job for a few days then back to Vallis for actual fun Halloweenness which of course I am stocked about because I love Halloween.

I love my CURVES

I love my lady curves. The majority of my abuses happened when I was 2 years old to 6 years old. When I was really, really tinny (I still am tinny but at least now I'm grown lady tinny, not little kid tinny). I was skinny as could be and straight as a rod. I stayed very flat chested through most of puberty and never needed to wear a bra until college. Although when I did hit puberty I did get a nice round "bubble butt" as my mom calls it. So beautifully round that I have a decent amount of black guys go out of their way just to compliment me on my bottom because they never see a white girl with such a "fine ass". I've always been proud of my butt. It is beautiful and strong, not a slap of fat but full of powerful muscles. My physical therapist was stunned when I was going through my leg issues, he was checking my hip aliment and seeing if my muscle masses were equal to see if either of those was the cause to my leg issues. He, very professionally appropriate, complemented me on how muscular my butt was, saying how most women's butts are just flab and fat, having nothing actually solid to them, but mine was solid, total muscle with very little fat, he was blow away. For not only did I have these extremely muscular legs that if it wasn't for the leg issues he could take and sell to top professional athletes and make bank, but me as a whole, nice round butt included was solid too and beautifully musculared all around.
 Not too surprising to me since I never wanted to be weak and thus worked hard to be strong.

I love my curves. This year I've actually have made it to a "B cup" with my breasts. I was so estatic when I found this out, and the whole time when I noticed they were growing. For no longer am I flat chested. I have curves, I look different than a little, little girl who was taken as sexual pray. I am strong, I have the curves of a woman. It makes me proud.

More than that it helps me feel safer in my own body. For if I am strong, and don't look like a little tinny girl, and don't have the same shape as a little girl, than the less likely I am to be some sick fuck's sexual pray, right? At least in my experience that's been the case.

I realize this doesn't help in the fact that way too many guys try, way too hard to go after me now, but as I said, I am now a strong woman. I have no problem shooting guys down... or elbowing them in the ribs if they try to get a little too frisky on the dance floor.
I probably get a little too much sadistic pleasure in shooting some punk ass guy who thinks he is all that down... and even more for elbowing them in the ribs when they try to dance too close or to friskily with me. 

Why Blog? And Role Models

Why I blog about this healing process:
 In some ways it's my "yelling at the world" that these things happen. It's me speaking up, but in my own way. Also if another survivor happens to stumble upon this there is a chance it might help them. Even in the simplicity of knowing they aren't the only ones going through it.

 Role Models:
I've been told by a few friends that I am their role model, their inspiration in a tough time. Letting them know that no matter how hard things get you can get through it. Having lived through all the abuse I have, and also the last few years of my medical history, having a double leg surgery and getting a drug resistant staph infection from it, that colonized in my body, and then my G.I. track failing. A lot of my friends watched as my body withered away and I dropped under 90lbs. Yet were inspired by how every time they saw me I was smiling. That some how I would wrangle up the energy to make it to our social dances, although not always able to dance but to still be there with them. They learned from me how to make the best out of what life has given you, and even if it's a shitty situation it's not going to last, especially if you keep a good attitude, keep your chin up and keep fighting.

What my friends don't know is that a lot of them are MY role models. My inspirations. They are the people who have never been hurt and broken by abuse, they grew up with mostly normal, healthy childhoods. They have managed to have good healthy relationships, some of them even married now, and with beautiful children or children on the way. They are the people I look to, and inspire to be like, not pulled down by abuse. To be able to have a healthy, safe, relationship. To enjoy healthy sex of my choosing. Through them I can see what it should be like, what my goals are. I may not have been able to see it for myself but I can see their healthy, normal-ish lives (what is normal anyways? :D ).

Damaged Goods

Part of healing sexually is changing what you believe your personal value is. On the outside I've always given off a very strong, high personal esteem. Although if I dig deeper I know it is not so, especially when we put it in the concept of sexual beliefs. My book "The Sexual Healing Journey" By Wendy Maltz gave 3 main false labels, mistaken conclusions that victims will associate themselves with. Just reading the titles of them hit really deep for me. "1: I am basically bad. 2: I'm a sexual object. 3: I'm damaged goods." Although each of these hit hard the last hits the hardest for me. There was a quote in this section that hit me every hard, something I've felt for a long time and very rarely admitted it to myself or anyone other. "I don't feel entitled to some very human things like love, a relationship, or marriage."
 I want a happy, healthy relationship. I love the idea of it, of having a companion. I would love to find my person and to enter into a marriage someday. I have almost always believed that such a thing would never be possible for me. I believed this to me the case so far to my core that I was utterly surprised when I ended up in the relationship with Quinn and for the first time actually loved someone in that romantic relationship way, and was loved back. For the first time I saw that I could have that. That I had a chance, and I wasn't too damaged. Which also made the loss of that relationship so much harder and took me so long to recover from. So far I haven't had anything close to it since, but I am still young and that is why I am on this journey. I need to find a way to break this belief that I am "damaged goods" that I am just an "object" not worthy of love, a relationship or marriage.
 These thoughts have been on my mind for the last 3 days, and every time I stop and really think about it again and bring up that term "damaged goods" it brings me to tears.

Breathing breaks from healing aren't totally breaks...

I've been taking a little break from my intensive healing process these last few days. Which was much needed. Not just a relaxing stage but also in helping with the healing process. It has allowed my mind to wrap its self around the new ideas of what healthy sex actually is and what I've thought and associated sex with was always sexual abuse.
 In these "break" days my emotions on the whole subjects has been shifting as I go through each stage connected to this healing section. Scared at first, than enraged and angry. Eventually sad and mournful for all the years I've lost of having good relationships and good healthy sex within them.
 I've been uneasy with men this week, and angry and filled with a rage towards them. I got very snippy with Nathan a few days ago when he told me he doesn't think he is a good fit for me and my situation right now. In my extra annoyed with guys state right now his comment pissed me off. For one this healing process is for me and me alone right now, no one else fits into this. Maybe one day when I'm in a serious relationship then will be the time that that someone is allowed into this process because it would affect them. At this moment it does not affect anyone besides me. I told Nathan what I was in the process of right now as a courtesy, nothing more. I never expected nor wanted him to be my partner in this process. That kind of thing would take us getting to know each other on a deep level and having an unbelievable amount of trust in each other, especially on my part. Now I do understand to a point what he meant by it, but I still believe he doesn't really have a say. I also do realize I am a stubborn ass sometimes and totally unyielding on certain subjects.
 I do believe I've told him my current situation at the wrong time, and sadly it seems it's added another rift between our friendship. I have no clue if there will be any mending, bouncing back from the point that we are at right now. At the surface level I could really care less at this point, but I know that's only because of my current attitude towards guys right now. When in reality I am saddened by this and hope that things do get better. It's a bummer that our whole rehanging out, sexual flare up and everything just so happened to go on at the same time that I was becoming aware on how much I needed to start this healing journey of mine and then actually starting it. It adds to the annoyance that if I could of done this sooner things may not of been so, or if the abuse never happened I'd never be in this position all together. If that was the case though I would of been a completely different person. Since the abuse started at such a young age it had a hand in shaping my entire being.
 With this whole Nathan escapade I've realized that my first thoughts on needing to be celibate are probably best. So for the 2nd time in my life since becoming sexually active I'm flying that celibacy banner. I've also decided that when I do become sexually active again I don't want to have anymore casual sex. I've had a few casual relationships in the past and now going through all this I can see how those relations may not of been the best for me.
 With that said Kody and I are talking on a more regular bases and even more so this week. Kody and I have been friends for a long time, since high school. We've also been off and on lovers, and of course off and on enemies, so to say. Anyways this week we've been talking a lot more and hanging out. I made it very clear to him before hanging out that there is to be no sexual contact between us, I am celibate right now and this is why. I could of sworn he knew about the abuse considering our once mutual best friend knew my story well and is one of the few people to see me actually really angry, enough so that I was damn close to destroying a shitty excuse for a boy. Anyways he didn't, I'm sure he did but probably just doesn't remember, it really wouldn't surprise me. So I gave him a basic overview. With that said he asked me a bunch of questions about it, which is 100% alright with me, because most people haven't been abused and don't know what it's like so it is human nature to be curious about what it was like, how it affected me. I know a lot of my friends are curious but most don't feel it's okay to ask me due to the tenderness of the subject. Kody knows me well enough that he knew it was alright to ask, and if I wasn't comfortable answering something I would of told him.
 It was actually pretty nice for me to answer those curious questions, it helped give me some insight on what a regular non abused human might think about such things. Hanging out with him and talking with him on a more regular bases now is the main reason why I've decided I should probably ex-nay the casual sex out of my life too. Since any sexual activity between us was casual, at one point it had the chance to be more but we both let that slid away a long time ago.
 Having sexual contact reserved just for actual relationships would help reinforce the idea and thoughts of healthy sex and not confuse it with sexual abuse in my head. Just having sex be as a more intimate communication with a serious partner and not just a physical release without emotions attached.

Anyways I do believe I'm about ready to re-dive into my consciously working on this journey now that my emotions and responses have settled down a bit and became a little more even. I'm still annoyed with guys and all that but it's not as bad anymore. I think I can control my sniping remarks a little more now and calm that rage if it shows it's ugly head more.