That's life...

 Found some gnarly wounds on Tiger, the new bunny, the other day. They are too healed to have came from Lily, plus one is a long deep scratch and Lilly's claws have never been sharp enough to even slightly break the thinnest of my skin so I know for sure that she could not of caused that type of damage on Tiger who has really thick fur. I called the place I got her from yesterday to let them know that I was very displeased that they missed that (well at the time I only found one out of the current 3 that I've found so far). They had no clue and didn't offer any really help on the fact that they sold me a damaged rabbit that should of had stitches for some of these wounds.
 So she's been shaved in the areas where the wounds are, so I can keep a better eye on them and easily clean them every day. Poor girl, luckily her hair is long enough that it's not too noticeable that she has some bare spots. On top of that fall future face to face meetings between her and Lily are on hold until her wounds are healed because I don't want to chance something happening and them getting reopened. So I now have a big fence separating my room in half so both of my bunnies can be free and running around, and hopefully with them getting to see each other all the time through the cage but unable to fight will help them get on better grounds. It seems to be going good so far.

 I went home for Easter, and I had a three day weekend because I have Monday and Tuesdays off. It was so nice to be home with the family, I've really missed them, and they are telling me I need to move back. Heh, I would love to but I moved here so I could have all my social activities that I love and be closer to more of my friends, both things that I was lacking big time in HR.
 I had a wonderful Easter weekend, the fam went skiing, I got in two motorcycle rides, one on my FZ6 which we just sold and the other on my new Ducati which we just registered today. The family loves my bunnies, Tiger the most though, which I can't blame them too much for because she is very sweet and much more playful then Lilly, who takes some time getting to know and understand how to play with.

 I got back home today and have been borderline breakdown for the rest of the day, but I've managed to keep myself busy, cleaning and organizing my room, although it needs more work and of course getting it duel bunny ready with the two different living areas for each of my loves (they bunnies) Heh.
 Reason for this is because Erik has canceled our laser tag plans that we were going to do before he moved, and it just really enforced my worry that although we say we're going to stay friends and keep in contact, that that is total bull shit and just a nice sweet white lie and that we will really just fade away. Which I really don't like the idea of that happening and it makes this harder realizing that there probably isn't any actual future of any kind of relationship for us. :(  yep that's a sad face. I was really looking forward to have at least one last good, fun time with him before that whole fading away thing happened and now it seems I don't even get that, my last memories of him are going to be of awkward, painful silence, neither of us wanting to bring up what we knew we needed to.
 I guess that's life though.

Finalization

 Erik and I did talk, we didn't go over everything on my silly long list but it wasn't needed. Nothing has changed in our situation, we have decide that we are choosing the right option. I am sad but I do feel a lot better about it now. I'm really going to miss that guy, although we will still be friends and talk he will still be 5 hours away, but then again if he wasn't we wouldn't be just friends.

 I got another bunny today... I haven't figured out a name for her yet, but she is an all black mini lop, so she is a bit bigger then Lily. They had a good first meeting but then it turned south... it seems we (the bunnies and I) are going to have a long slow process of bonding them together. I'm sure they will work out well in the end though, I just have to make sure they don't fight anymore, so probably for the next few weeks this blog will turn into a bunny filled "Lily did this today and ___?___ didn't like it..." don't worry other bunny owners I am keeping them separate most of the time expect for a few supervised moments.

Trying to communicate

My letter to Erik...  Too much? Probably, will it change anything? Probably not, which it is not intended to, just to make sure we really are making the best decision. I realize that most people will think if it probably wont change anything then why even prolong this and drag it out? Normally I wouldn't want to, and I didn't want to at all at the beginning, I wanted us to move on cleaning and smoothly, but I also never realized how much it actually would affect me and how much I really was loosing by letting him go.Although it probably won't change anything by talking more about this, it at least will make me feel better and be alright with the choice that we made.

Alright here is the actual message I sent him today:

" Right now because we haven’t really talked about all of our options and what it would actually take to make it work to continue and do a long distance relationship and if either of us could handle that, I feel like we are just choosing the easiest option and throwing away a good relationship. Now logically I realize we probably did make the right choice but without really talking about all our options I don’t feel for sure about it anymore. I would really like us to talk about this a little bit, either over the phone, through messages of facebook, e-mail, text, in person would be best but I get the feeling that I won’t get to see you now before you leave so whatever works best.

 The things I think we should both think about and add our thoughts and input to are:

 Say we did decide to do the long distance thing, what would it really take for use to make it work?

  Right now I think it would take really making sure we keep a good line of communication open and total honesty, maybe making sure we specifically check in with each other say every other week with the main goal to see how each other is feeling about the relationship and how it is going, to see if there are things we can be doing to make it easier for the both of us or to see if it really isn’t working and talk about the possibilities of ending it.

 Another possibility is the idea of doing a “test run” which would basically be the above but really make sure we check in regularly with each other to see if it is work and finding out what the other person is feeling and needing, because in all honestly we can’t be for sure about how it is going to affect us until we try it.

 Things to think about and even talk about is how do each of us feel about possibly only getting to see each other about 4-6 days a month and probably really only in the evenings?

 For me this is the one that bugs me the most out of all. I don’t know if I can handle that, because I find that with too much time apart I can sometimes feel like I’m not actually cared about, or at least I have this last week, but I don’t think I can really compare this last week to the future. Some say love grows stronger with separation… I feel like it grows weaker. But I also think about the fact that it’s not forever, and right now I’m seeing if I can get back into school this fall, so possibly by the fall I’d have regular weekends once again, and at the very least I know I’m not going to be happy working where I am right now and if not in school by the fall I’ll be looking for another job with better hours and working days.

 Would we be happier staying together or would we in the end be happier separate and ending up dating someone closer to where we live?

 I don’t know. I thought the second option was it, but now that we have separated and it has really became clear to me what I’m losing, I’m not sure anymore. I haven’t known anyone else that I’ve clicked with so easily and so quickly, with a few words through a text you can make me beam like a silly little school girl. You’ve been so helpful to me these last few months which have been extremely stressful on me financially, and emotionally since I found out that I was living with a sex offender who sexually abused a little girl. You are truly, very dear to my heart and I feel bad that you haven’t gotten to see much of my normal usually ridiculously happy, loving life self because I haven’t felt like my normal self with those other issues going on and I’ve been annoyed that they have taken away what should have been total “honeymoon” beginning new relationship everything should be ridiculous happy few months. We did get some of that but no were near as much as we would of normally and that has always saddened me since I first realized it because I felt robbed of that. I know you said it didn’t bother you and you don’t judge me on things like that, but I’m sure you’ve felt it and that it has affected you in some way. I want you to know that although I never really came out and said it I do love you, and you are so dear to my heart and I’ve felt so blessed to have you in my life.

Could either of us handle knowing we let go of a good relationship and finding out the other person is dating someone new?

Haha I thought about this last night, it’s a silly thing to consider but in all reality it will affect us rather we want it to or not, the question though is how much will it affect us?

 Anyways that’s it that I have for you right now, please add to it, any other concerns you have, other thoughts, other options I didn’t come up with.

I am sorry to draw this out, I didn’t want to and if it hadn’t been for my dang mom I would of let it go as it was, but at least for me it does feel right to really talk about it."

Lack of Communication

Communication, the biggest reason why I chose Erik over all the other guys I was socially "dating" at the time. He had the best communication with me and honesty, so much so that it really helped me trust him on a much faster level then what it normally takes. Right now at the end of things, hell this whole last week communication has been what we've been lacking, one of our strongest qualities in this relationship and it's been amiss this last week, and I feel even more right now. Yesterday we agreed to talk more about our decision to make sure we weren't just making the easy choice and not necessarily the best choice. Which made me feel so much better knowing we were actually going to really talk it out and figure out what is really the best option for us right now, and he seemed pretty sure like that was the best thing to do too. Last night though all I got was a "Nope, I think we made the right choice."
 I wish I knew what happened, only a few weeks ago he was so positive that we could totally make the long distance thing work. I was so sure that when I brought up to him how I was feeling about it he was going to be right there to reassure me that it'll be fine, that yes it might be hard every now and then but that we could totally do it... man was I wrong. I didn't expect this, and I didn't expect us to let it go so easily and quickly, I really did think we would spend more time actually discussing it and finding out what was really best for both of us.

 I hate the way we are going out...

 I don't feel so sad anymore, at least not teary and weepy like I was two nights ago. More so then anything now I'm annoyed, I wish I knew what happened and why the change in heart...

The loss of someone

Funny how the loss of someone, something makes you realize what you really had. Although I am exhausted and have been for the last few hours now, I don't want to go to sleep because once I wake up in the morning it will be real, truly, completely real. Part of me wants to scream and rage and shake him and tell him he was suppose to reassure me and tell me "of course we will make it work, we can totally do this" on the other hand it is nice to know that I wasn't the only one feeling like we were fading apart this last week, that it really wasn't just me and my commitment issues pushing him away, that there really was a legitimate reason besides me being a weak link. A part of me wants to run to him and reassure him that we can make it work that we can do this...
 I'm sad that we had such a short time together. We match so well, and got along wonderfully, in other circumstances I'm sure we would of had some amazing adventures together. And I'm sad that our last days together were pretty blah and of both of us not wanting to bring up what we were feeling and yet unsure of what to do. I wish they would of been amazing and full of joy and laughter so that we could of at least parted ways on that kind of note, with memories of smiles and fun times together.
 I've told him that if you can he should come here Thursday of Friday evening once I'm done with work and we can go play some laser tag and maybe have a bottle of wine afterwards that way we can part with happier memories. I hope he accepts.

Bittersweet Changes

 I finally sucked it up and brought my concerns to Erik, who as I found out, was feeling the same. That although we both care dearly for each other a long distance relationship would not work out right now especially since we would have different weekends with our work, so even when we would be able to see each other one of us would be working so it would only be for a moment in the morning and a few hours in the evening before we passed out. We both noticed that we were feeling farther apart from each other this week. It is good to know I wasn't alone in these feelings but this change is bittersweet. I have lost my lover but I am keeping my friend, even if he is moving 5 hours away.

Kfalls

My relationship with Erik has been great so far, we really do seem to match very well. Living situation will be better soon I'm moving into an apartment with two other people at the end of this month, so that should be exciting, hopefully in the good way, although I will lose having access to a garage which is a bummer. I've signed up to be a Pampered Chef consultant to hopefully help bring in a little more income to make things a little easier on me financially.

 So things have been better, although with that said I'm in a bit of a dilemma right now. Erik got the job in Kfalls and will be moving soon, Kfalls is about 5 hours away from me and our work schedules are going to be totally different from each other. Although he was positive that we can make it work especially since supposedly he has a three day weekend every other week and will be up here during that time I just don't know if I can handle it. I've pretty much have always been the weak link in relationships, to be honest and with the added long distance issues I really feel like I can't hold up.

 On top of that I really feel like a long distance relationship would take an actual commitment, and I don't know if I am ready for that next step up yet. So for the past week I've been debating this and just really not feeling like I can handle it and also feeling like I don't want that kind of a long distance relationship and it makes me feel horrible because he has been so optimistic about it and I can't see it working at all. I've been feeling extra horrible lately because I haven't been able to tell him how I feel about this yet, especially because I don't want him to second guess his decision in moving because it's a great chance for him and it will help him get to where he wants to be and I don't want to be the person that holds him back.

 I don't know, I need to at least suck it up and tell him at least the basics on how I'm feeling right now... I'm just failing at actually opening up that line of communication.

Boarderline panic attack 24/7

 The last few days I have been in a state of high stress. My body has been stuck in a "fight or flight" panic. This is due to my living situations and how Harry's record has been coming out to me. I'm pretty sure if Sadie and/or Harry would of just came out and told be about his past before I moved in and were very honest and upfront with it I probably wouldn't of had an issue with it. With it coming out in bits and pieces, and since it started out being told as a lie, like it's been one huge secret that's slowly being slipped out makes me very uneasy. It makes me feel betrayed and that I can't trust those who I am living with. I seriously would of thought Sadie would of realized this is something I should of known and that she should of told me before I moved in, with me being a survivor of abuse of that kind especially. Which makes me feel very uneasy and unsafe in my own home... and in a sense repeats the offenses of the abuse that I've lived through, in feeling. Feeling betrayed, not able to trust those closest to me, unsafe in my own home.
 So I figured I would be fine waiting until at least April to find another place to live or decide how long I can handle staying there. Although I thought I was fine waiting it out and not making a harsh and quick "flight" decision, especially when I don't necessarily have the financial ability to quickly get up and move again so soon, it seems with any extra stress put on, no matter how small it puts me over the edge into that "fight or flight" panic. The last two days I had a horrible headache from all the tension in my jaw (a huge sign of major stress for me, especially stress that is connected to my abuse in some way), and was basically on the edge of a panic attack the whole time.
 No extra stress and I was doing alright it was still in the back of my head the whole time but I was okay, add a little bit of stress say from crazy co-worker during our sale this last week and my system goes into overdrive... or the stress of starting a new relationship and we get borderline panic attack...

 About this new relationship. It is going well, Erik is wonderful. In some ways it frightens me, because I'm trying to let him into a position where he could really hurt me if he so did choose. With the abuse I have lived through I was basically taught that people in loving, suppose to be protecting, trusting positions are the people who betray and hurt me, it is really hard to let someone into that kind of position.
  I have to admit though that I want so much to talk to him about everything, the good the bad, but honestly to talk about the bad to him terrifies me. I'm scared that he will think it too much, too much bad, too much of a downer to stick with and leave. Now given everything he has shown and said it totally otherwise but it is still something I am scared of because I have had people shut me down and turn away when telling them even the slightest little bit because they don't want to know that such things happen in this world, they can't handle knowing people abuse little children. When you get shut down by someone like that, it makes you feel like the worst person ever, like you are the bad guy. It is a horrible experience to go through and leaves you feeling lost and like you can't turn to anyone for comfort and reassurance. Which makes it totally understandable why someone would be scared of that happening again even when it seems very unlikely.
 Abuse affects everyone, not just the person who did it or the person who it was done to. It affects those closest to them especially. It is a lot to ask for of a person to be there and be a supporter to an abuse survivor. You will feel their pain, their anger, their sadness. It will strike up your own extreme emotions, you will learn that this world is not safe, that there are some very bad people out there. It is a lot to go through, and not everyone can do it. On top of that it will always be an ongoing thing. Although it does get much better with time, there will always be something here and there to bring the issues back up.

 I'm pretty displeased right now that what should be Erik's and my total happy "honeymoon" time since the relationship is bran new is being stolen away because of this housing situation.

Happiness

 A good amount has changed in the last few weeks. Everything between Nathan and I is done, it seems he is not even able to have a friendship with me so that is totally done and over with. Which I was happy to finally know and felt relieved and totally able to move on, although after a week I realized I was kind of sad about it but there wasn't much I could do about it so I just had to move on. After finding out we really were done I started actually dating again, I've had a few guys after me for some time now and I went ahead and went on some legit dates with them and even a few new guys. It was very lovely and fun to do, I enjoyed actually socially dating which is something I haven't ever really done. It also got a little overwhelming trying to whittle them down to ones that I really clicked with and would have a possibility of being with.
 There was one person who I really clicked with. We connected really well, were both mutually very interested in each other. He is just as upfront and honest as me and has amazing communication skills which won my trust and respect right off the bat. Things moved quickly with us and we are actually dating, like full on romantic, serious, relationship status. It's pretty crazy because we have a lot of the same beliefs and interests. So much so that we're pretty sure this is either going to go amazingly or it will go horrible.

 Besides being honest and having great communication skills the big thing that helped win me over was when I told him about my past. He told me he has never had any exposer to abuse or those who have but that he did not judge me for it, it does not change the way he sees me, and that if I ever need his help or support to let him know and to keep good communication up with him during my times of healing.

 We have only just started dating exclusively so of course I am terribly happy to have him in my life right now. Even more so because I have been having some abuse issues and haven't been feeling the best because of it and it has been wonderful having him to talk to a bit about it. I must say I am tentative and scared at times to say much of anything to talk as much as I would like to about it because it is so new and I'm scared it will totally scare him off, but so far he has been very supportive and I'm pretty sure he will stand by me through whatever I have to go through but I'm still worried.
 A few months ago, possibly even half a year ago I got his book called "Allies in Healing"  it is a book for partners of survivors. I figured it would be a great book to help out whoever I might end up with. With the new relationship I am now reading it myself before I give it over to Erik (the boyfriend) so I might have a better idea what he might end up going through, and also know what I can do to make the process easier on him. At times I feel horrible because the abuse doesn't just affect me but it will end up affecting him too and if it wasn't for his relationship with me he wouldn't have to deal with such things, at other times it really encourages me because I am so far along in my healing that I'm already way past the worst of it so he won't be pushed and pulled so thin.
 I am 12 years going on 13 in my healing, and most of it I have done totally on my own. Tuesday, Valentine's day I had a doctors appointment, when writing my history if they ask about possible abuse I always write down mine. For the first time the lady asked about it and asked if I have reported it, which I haven't, although I've felt like I needed to do so soon. So she stayed with me for comfort and solicited my reports. So I filed one against my Uncle which was done to Idaho DHE. I attempted to do one against my ex step mom, done to the California DHE, but with them because I did not have her date of birth or her current address they wouldn't even write up a report. Which really annoyed me, even more so because of the DHE investigation going on here in my house.
 Erik helped out on that day too, besides the appointment we spent the whole day together, starting off with a nice hike in the Gorge area, then after my appointment he got really good pizza for us for dinner and showed up with that and chocolate and wine knowing what I just went through. We curled up on my bed and watched a movie.

Alright I have to get to bed, we start our big sale at work tomorrow and I have to be their earlier than normal so I need to get my sleep.

Best Friends

This is another thing I found in "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis that I found very appropriate because I have been so grateful to have friends like this in my life.
 This one is found on page 63-64 and is information to people who are best friends to a survivor and what they can do to help them.
 The question is: "The survivor in my life is not my spouse and never has been. We are best friends. Our relationship is sisterly, nothing sexual. How can I help her?"

" Weather you are partners whoa re best friends or are "just" best friends, you place a crucial role in the survivor's life. As a best friend, there's a lot you can do to help her. Love her. Remind her that the abuse happened to her; it isn't who she is. tell her why you think she's the best.

 Don't let her withdraw or push you away just when she needs you the most. Insinuate yourself in her life. Track her down and hang in there. Be your irresistible, charming (and sometimes cranky) self.

Bring her flowers. Cook her dinner. Offer to sleep over so you can stay up, listen to music, dance, read poems out loud, cuddle, and talk about your dreams. Let her cry in your arms.

Have adventures together. Encourage her to take risks and dare more.

Call her every day, or every other day. twice or three times on really hard days. Send her postcards with silly pictures on one side and affirmations on the other.

 Tell her it will be okay, that you're sure she can make it through all this.

 You've developed a history with your best friend, and history enables you to be a great meter of reality. You have perspective you can be the inside yardstick. Remind her that she's actually made progress in the last year. Document the specifics. As a best friend, your opinions are invaluable: you can tell her when she's attracted to someone who's dangerous for her, remind her of all the ways she's successfully dealt with panic before, and offer to go with her to visit her brother because you already know how difficult it will be.

 Survivors who have best friends are on very good ground. A survivor can pay a therapist or join a support group (great things indeed), but her best friend is there because of loyalty and love, not because she's being paid or because she shares a particular pocked of agony. With you as a best friend, the survivor gets to learn a lot about genuine love and acceptance.

 If you're not also the survivor's partner, don't belittle your relationship or your importance in her life because you're "only friends." Many survivors have maintained friendships that have been more long-lasting and influential than any of their love relationships. You're a crucial part of her support system. You place an importance role in her life. (And she in yours.)

 Keep your relationship current. Make sure you keep things reciprocal so you'll want to keep being best friends. Ask her for things you need, too.

 Take your commitment to each other seriously. Work on problems or issues that come up between you. Best friends need tune-ups just like other relationships. But don't forget to have fun. She probably doesn't laugh with anybody the way she laughs with you. And sometimes that's the best therapy of all."

How do I keep holding on?

I found this in "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis it is a book for partners of sexual abused survivors. Found on page 86.

The question a lot of partners ask "How do I hold on when it appears there is nothing to hold on to?"
Laura's answer:

          " You just do. You breathe. You put one foot in front of the other. You breathe again. You reach inside yourself for strength you didn't know you had. You tell yourself, "One day, one hour, one minute at a time." 

 When the bottoms drops out of your world, sometimes you just have to stop and sit with it. Say to yourself: "This is my life. I'm in terrible pain. I feel lost. I don't know what to do. This is true for me right now." Keep breathing and remind yourself, "This too shall pass."

 I believe the human spirit is very big. I think we are capable of a lot more than we think we are. You're being pushed to your limits right now. If you have a belief, a love, or a passion that connects you to a power beyond yourself - whether it's music, God, or the maple trees outside your window - call on that power now. Pray. Ask for help.

 When the world you've known is shattered in pieces around you, do something small and concrete and manageable. Buy a chicken, put some spices on it, and put it in the oven. Wash the dishes. Clean your whitewalls. Refinish a chair, something that's completed and beautiful and steady when you're done. Keep breathing. Watch the moment pass.

 Reach out to other people. You need friends right now, witnesses who can say, "Yes, it really is this bad. You're not making it up. Your life is really awful right now."

Ultimately, there's only so much other people can do. When we're in our deepest pain and despair, no one can take it away. These are your feelings of helplessness, loneliness, and confusion. I can say I understand them, but they are your feelings to feel. Sit with them. Follow them. Sometimes if we go deep enough into our pain, it changes into something else."

  I believe this is something that goes for everyone, for survivors, partners. Anyone in a hard time or situation. Keep this in mind, because it can help.

Forgivness

 Some people believe that to fully heal from anything you have to be able to forgive. This is not true, especially when healing from abuse, it is not necessary to forgive your abusers. Some feel like they have to usually due to religious beliefs, or they think if they don't forgive they will continue to be angry and bitter, which is not the case either.
 I choose not to forgive, because I believe abuse is an unforgivable crime. That person has forever changed a persons life for the worse, especially when it's abuse to children. The abuser takes away any chance of a healthy upbringing for that child, it forces the child to grow up quicker to never feel safe or protected and completely takes away their childhood. Abuse doesn't just affect the survivor though, it affect everyone else in the survivors life, their friends, their partner, their family, it touches everyone.
 So no I will not forgive those that abused me because they have caused a life time of pain and hurt for me, they have made having a relationship with anyone else terribly hard and trialing, and have made me wonder if I would ever be able to allow someone far enough in to marry them someday or if I am destined to forever be alone because I don't have the ability to open up and trust people anymore.

DHS

 So a few weeks ago a lady called child protective services on Sadie, she was in a cash in go to cash a check and the baby was crying, as babies do, especially colicky babies. The lady found this unacceptable and called the cops. A police officer stopped by the next night at our house to see if it was safe. He made his report saying everything looked fine, but that he did not know if DHE would want to make an investigation or not. DHE decided to make an investigation...
 At first all I was told by Sadie was just that, then as the investigation continues she tells me it is because Harry is a registered sex offender, because the daughter of his ex-wife reported him for sexual abuse which she also did to her step father before him too, but that he did not actually do anything, but because the girl said he did he spent 6 years in jail, did rehabilitation and is a registered sex offender now.
 Last night though I was told he pleaded guilty and that Sadie couldn't totally blame him because he didn't go looking for it, that the girl went to him because she had been abused by her past 2 "dads" and had came to expect it and even seek it out... I asked her how old she was when it happened, thinking if she was an older teenager then I can understand why Sadie doesn't blame him... the girl was 9 years old. I do not know anything past that.
 Basically I am living with a sexual offender. Do I believe people can change and get better if they do abuse, yes, so I believe Harry won't ever do that again and that whoever is around him is safe? Yes I do. Am I okay being a survivor of abuse and living with a sexual offender no matter who that person is? HELL FUCKING NO
 So I may not wait to move out until Sarah and her roommate's lease goes up so the three of us can get a place, there is a chance if I can find the right place to move in that I will move out by April. Harry is out of the state for work and will be for sometime thus luckily giving me time to figure out my own thoughts and what I really need, if I can be fine with this until summer or if I need to move out sooner.

Bad Mood

I've been extra frustrated today. I woke up that way, which pisses me off even more because I feel like the morning should at the very least be one of the best times of your day, because it's a new day. Everything is fresh, you should be ready to take on the world, so if I wake up in a bad mood I feel like everything is wrong.
 I'm pretty sure I had a bad dream dealing with Nathan right before I woke up, because I woke up very frustrated with him. I've been trying to have some friendly conversations with him the last few weeks, sending him a text asking how is day is going, things like that. I have gotten no responses form him. It annoys me because if I am sleeping with someone even if we are not in a relationship, I prefer and want that person to at least be a decent or good friend. I want to be able to talk to them often like I would with a normal friend and not just because we are sleeping buddies. I don't want our only form of communication to be only in the bedroom. That makes me feel cheep, like a skank and that I'm just being used.
 I am also annoyed because last night I had to watch one of my best friends be hurt last night by one of her guy friends who promised he would help her prepare for  a test she had today and he flacked out. He came over and told her he had to leave soon after mooching her dinner, and thus he did not have enough time to helper out. All because some of his other friends had just called up asking if he wanted to join them at a concert that was happening that night. He then went on and argued with her and tried to turn the situation around to make him feel better about bailing on her again (he has done this a few times now). Basically he was being a total chauvinistic, take everything he can and not give anything back, fucking pig.
 When I did get home last night I found out one of my little sisters is back wither her ABUSIVE ex-boyfriend. Which is unacceptable on so many levels. For one, she has a little girl, and by being around people like that she is putting that little girl in danger. On top of that she had the chance to get away from him before. She called up our biological dad a few years back and told him what kind of situation she was in and he booked her a flight for that night, got her out of Texas and up to his house where he lived with his most current wife. They also had a plan of action, he was going to help her get a job, and help her get her kid back, because her kid is living with the actual baby-daddy which at this point I am really happy about if she is going to hang around such pathetic human beings. Anyways long story short she ran away from Matt's house and found a way back to Texas and back to the abusive asshole, but after a few more months or a year, I really don't know how long it took her but she finally did break up with him... but now it seems she is back together with him.
 I went off on her, I could not believe she was hanging around this person. I was so angry, even more so I felt like it was my fault. Noel did not get it lucky, her mom is the women who beat me, we was physically and emotionally abusive to me. Although her mom did not beat her own children, she did not give them the best situation to grow up in, and she dated abusive guys herself. Noel did not get to grow up with me always there in her life to help watch over her and keep her safe and to show her what was right and wrong, not like how my little sister Dany did. She did not get a good mother and father, not like Dany and I. I may of had a shitty as biological dad but at least I have my dad, Michael, my mom's 2nd husband and Dany's dad. He helped show me what a true father is suppose to be like and with him and my mom I got see what a good working relationship is suppose to be like. Noel never got that. It also pissed me off more because she lives in Texas, I can't afford to go see her so I can shake some fucking sense into her head and teach her that she deserves so much better.
 On top of all that I have been feeling like I live in a chaotic mess of a house. the dogs have not adapted to having a baby in the house and are now acting way out of hand. They brake out and run away every chance they get. The pee and shit all over the house and yes they at least were house trained. On top of all that it keeps getting worse. They have shown that this is not a good living situation from them and it s not for us humans either but Sadie will not rehome them even though she knows that is what is going to be best for everyone. On top of that the longer I live with this colicy baby the more I start to believe that I never want to have children. Where as before I was pretty sure I wanted one someday if things worked out. Now though... nope, not at all. I'm pretty sure it would break me if I ended up having a colic kid, I do not know how Sadie does it because it would break my heart if I could not help my baby feel better.

Alright I'm tired of ranting, but I really did need to get though out of my system. For some reason I have not been able to shake this bad mood at all today, I can usually shake things off, especially since most of the things that are bothering me are not my issues but someone else, some one else's drama and problems. Although they are issues of people that I really care about, but they still should not have such an affect on me. I blame it on the fact that they all seemed to happen at the same time and the piling up on all the issues just pushed me over... That sounds reasonable right?

Self doubt.

I have so many things running through my head right now, I'm not sure I can put them all into words, but I'm going to try.

The majority of them deal with Nathan, having got to spend Saturday night with him and Sunday morning, but also issues with myself and a little bit more with my dancing buddy, Simeon.
 So I guess first things first: Nathan. I had a great time with him, he seemed more affectionate than normal too. He had a bottle of red wine ready for use to share when I got there. When we went to bed, the whole night when sleeping he always made sure to have an arm wrapped around me in some way or another, that I was pulled in close to him, which is something I desperately love. If you remember that cuddles for me make me feel safer, but not just that, I love sleeping entangled in with the person I'm with. I enjoy that closeness.
 Nathan and I always cuddled when sleeping, but it wasn't an all night closeness, and entanglement, it was a little in the beginning and then when real sleep came he would usually turn over or something and we'd clam our own spaces. Although I would of loved the all night closeness, I happily took what i could get because I can understand those who aren't terribly cuddly need their own space and can feel uncomfortable or like their are getting a cuddle assault when they are trying to sleep and the other person keeps getting into their space. So I try to respect those wants and needs and usually just go with what hits and information I can gather from the other person on that.
 I've been feeling like I'm walking on eggshells around Nathan. I'm afraid that I might do or say something that might re-spark whatever issues he was or possibly still is going through and in doing so he will push me away again. I would love to know what is going on with him more than just your basic casual answers, I would like to talk to him more about what possibilities we might have in the future, like if he even sees there being a chance for us.
 I'm also constantly second guessing myself. I have this worry that I might of put myself back into a semi-relationship that I knew nothing would actually come out of it, like I have done so many times in the past as an attempt to keep myself "safe." Although I have gone over this and thoroughly thought about it in this situation and know that is not the case that it is just a case of bad timing. With my past though I feel like I have to constantly recheck and make sure that I wasn't in the wrong on this issue, because I have purposefully told myself I was alright and it wasn't that way when I knew very well it was. So that has been times of fear and frustration with myself as I start to worry that I'm just repeating my old, bad habits.
 So instead of leaving Nathan feeling refreshed and happy, this time I left requesting myself and I've been filled with self doubt all last night and today. I wish that Nathan and I had the ability to be more open with each other right now, I'm sure that would help decreases these self doubts in myself, but I'm pretty positive he is not ready for that yet. I believe this to be the result of people assuming that good communication with people is meant for serious relationships. Where in reality we need to use it with everyone in our life, form our coworkers to our friends and especially with our lovers, but of course there is the fear that opening up to someone leaves you more vulnerable to them, which in some ways is true, but most of the time it strengthens whatever relationship you have with them and more than likely they will open up to you back.

Onward from that, I don't know how I managed it but somehow I basically ended up with 3 dates this weekend without meaning to. I think I can be way to oblivious to things sometimes. So I count Nathan in this category because although it wasn't a date I spent the night at his place and made him breakfast in the morning so I say it totally goes into that category. The other two I just thought of as friends hanging out, I realized they were interested in me but didn't figure there would be any moves really made or that it was meant as an actual date... which afterwords made me feel kind of like and idiot and also like a slut, no I did not do anything with the other two guys, I kissed and slept with one person this week, hell in the past few months it's only been Nathan. I did not give the other guys an inch, but it still makes me feel kind of skanky to realize I basically had three dates this weekend, with different guys, even though I totally did not mean for that to happen.

 I was given the challenge of writing a bucket list today, of real life things I want to do and accomplish in my life. Goals, no just places I want to go visit or random silly things I think I should do for the hell of it. Which would require some major soul searching and really figuring out what I want to do in my life and where I want to take it. I think it is a good idea, so I will probably attempt to do sometime soon. Which for me will be semi heart wrenching and probably end up with me just balling for a bit, considering some of the biggest things that I want deals with my healing from all the abuse I've been through.

Anyways, once again I should of been in bed a long time ago, so I'm calling this quits.

"love drama" and rampaging bunny hormones

The ptown life has been really good so far, even with money being tight for the next month. I've enjoyed getting to spend more time with my friends, having my own space, on top of that having a much bigger room, my bed room in hr was about the size of a really nice walk in closet.
 On top of all that I got to go dancing (westcoast swing) last night for the first time in over a year. I had so much fun!
 Now this is one area that my dancing buddy who lives in ptown too (the one who has been "making the moves" recently) has over Nathan, he is a really good WCS dancer, and not just that but he is also a really good DJ for WSC dances, and I love dancing with him. Not saying that Nathan can't dance because he can, but I don't think he knows wsc yet and I haven't gotten to dance with him yet... I don't remember if he knows how to do any ballroom dances.... hmm something to find out.
 With that said, connecting really well with another dancer on the floor and being able to easily follow their lead and both laugh when we mess up, big turn on. So as of yesterday having gotten to dance with him, and he was the DJ for the night too it helped me start to think that maybe it was about time to move on from Nathan since he has seemed a bit wish-washy since New Years. I told this to Sarah and even told her that the few times that I had this feeling in the past Nathan would somehow pop back up and then I'd go right back into only wanting him again. Now don't get me wrong, it hasn't happened that often, just like once in the summer and then again by New Years, but it just so happened that the moment I thought that I would hear from him shortly after.
 So this morning I got a text from my dancing buddy asking what plans I had Sunday evening. I told him I was originally planing to go down to vallis but was thinking I would be back by then, and also unknown to him I hadn't heard back from Nathan yet. So I told him I was probably up to hang out. Well that afternoon Nathan texts me letting me know he is probably alright for this weekend and which days wouldn't work for him. I just had to laugh. So of course my plan is still to go down to vallis.

Alright on from that silly "love drama" in my life. Other things are going well with me, no big healing going on right now, just not that time yet, nothing has came up for me to really work on again.
I'm painting again, working on my lion painting that I haven't touched in a few months. My bunny is being silly, her hormones have kicked in so she is trying to nest all over the place now, she really wants my bed, which means now when I am away I have to lock her up so she doesn't destroy my bedding, which is really a bummer because I really liked just letter her run around free and keeping her cage in storage since she did not need it. She is also trying to "court" me in her bunny way, aka running circles around my feet and lightly nipping my ankles as she makes little "grunting" noises, it really just sounds like she is humming. I keep telling her that for 1) I am female too and thus we couldn't mate, and 2) the biggest issue of them all is, I am a totally different species and we totally do not mix... but she hasn't gotten the message yet.
 So we are on more bunny training besides me just trying to keep her off the bed now until she settles down, but also trying to get her not to nip my ankles because although it is light, occasionally it does hurt a bit. For the most part she does pretty good but she still has her moments. Which makes sense, she is still a very young bunny, she is 6 months (bunnies are able to live 7-10 years, she is the smallest bread of the lop bunnies and thus may live 10-12 years), her hormones just kicked in, she is totally new to this intense need to reproduce feeling that she is having so it's going to take some time, which I can understand. Plus there always the option that if she doesn't settle down here in the next month or 2 then I can always go in and get her fixed which would solve the issue because then she won't be getting the intense reproduce hormones anymore.

Alright I really need to get to bed. So I'm calling that done.

UPDATES!! OMG

Warning: It took me two whole weeks to finally complete this post, so some parts might be kind of off, and well it's probably because I had to run off to work or something and stop and was not able to make it back to adding more for a few days.

It's been some time since my last post, and thus a bit to update.

Sometimes in healing you feel like you have to shout to the world everything that is going on, which makes blogging very helpful, other time it feels like you need to keep everything to yourself. Which is what the last two month were for me. My healing slowed down due to financial stress and also because it was just that time for it. Although I was still healing it wasn't huge things, just the continuation of relearning what is actually healthy sex and to no longer connect it to abusive sex.

 Anyways since then I have broken my celebrity, although out of relationship too. I've decided I'm alright with casual sex although I would prefer to be in a relationship. Some believe that to keep your mind form relating sex to abuse it should be done only in a positive, healthy, committed relationship and I decided that I don't want what happened to me years ago to influence and control something that I enjoy. Although total casual sex right now doesn't seem to be what I actually want.
 I may not be at "orgasm" state yet, but I am happy to say that I am now able to have sex without dissociate , I'm able to stay in the moment, to enjoy it and not end up thinking about anything and everything else to separate myself from the event. Which is a huge step, I still have more to do when it comes to sex and relationships but I feel like what is left I'm going have to deal with when actually confronted with the problem in an actual relationship, I don't think there is much more I can do totally solo, although I am working on what I can so when I am actually in a relationship there will be less to fix and less hardship for my partner.

As for financial problems, they are doing better. For a bit there though I was very angry and frustrated with the world, my thoughts being that if the universe gave me such a shitty hand in the beginning with all the abuse it should at least be nice enough and not give me financial problems too. So for about a week I was really annoyed but that was back in early November. I did end up snagging another job though, I got my dream ski bum job as a snowcat driver which has been pretty fun. I also just got a job semi in my field and accepted it so I am in the process of moving and finishing up with the grooming job. Which is bittersweet in some ways, but I am very excited to be moving and being closer to my friends. This leaving the grooming job has been kind of interesting though, because I work with all guys there, and since I am now leaving it gives them the opportunity to pursue me, which one already has started that. It makes me laugh but at other time it gives me the slightest of panic attack. This is because I am attracted to him, but he is a lot like how I was, being casual sex only, no commitment. He is looking for fun only. At first I found myself falling back into my flirting, very teasing self, but then realized that what he wants, is in no way what I want either, and even if he wanted something more I wouldn't do anything with him. Nice guy, makes me laugh for sure, but not what I want.

I've gone on a few dates these last few months, which is crazy 'cause I don't date. They have been lots of fun, but I kept comparing everyone to Nathan. It's like Nathan has became my standard for every other guy who wants to be in my life, and of course none of them come close. So right now I realize that it is still him I would like to be with, and also he is the only one I am okay with casual sex right now too.
With that said I need to update you on New Years. I went down to vallis for new years, which I was really lucky and got off. As much of the troupe that possibly could went to vallis for the new year's this year, so I was really hoping I could make it two, and didn't find out that I got it off until the morning of new years eve. So I bolted down there, straight from the mountain. I ended up inviting Nathan to join us for some ultimate frisbee, which he did, it made for a really fun game especially with having new people. We also invited him and his buddies to join our New Year's party, and very surprising to me, again he did. The whole day and night I was trying to read him to see where we were at that time, to see if we were still friends or if something more was acceptable again. Needless to say I had a great new year's, it was awesome to get to spend it playing ultimate with my favorite people and then start drinking at 5pm and not stop until oh... 3am (which is actually earlier for our group), and on top of that I got to go home with Nathan and crash with him and get awesome cuddles.
 We have talked since, and he still is not looking for or ready for a relationship right now but he is okay with me possibly crashing with him when I come down to vallis, with the no expectations for right now. Something I am alright with, but funny thing is that I am only alright with it with him, I would not allow that with anyone else at this point in my life. This boy is getting way too much leeway from me especially considering we will probably never actually get the chance to be in a relationship together. Which is sad for me to think about, because, being totally honest here, I am a terribly picky person when it comes to people I want to be with, that includes just casual sex too. Way picky, it's one of my defenses to not being in a relationship and thus staying safe. With that said, Nathan is the first person I've met that actually meets all of my criteria, and on top of that for some reason unknown to me right now, from the day that I meet him I've always been very drawn to him. So I am knowingly hanging on to the hopes that something might still happen, because how often is it that you actually meet your perfect person? Now given, he is far from perfect, because everyone is, we all have our flaws and issues that's what makes us, us, we all have things we need to work on and get better with, and those flaws can help dictate the kind of person that would match us well, or the kind of people we are more attracted to. Just as our abilities and pros do. Anyways a quote I've always loved and believed in is "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly"
 Now no I do not love Nathan, not that way but he is an imperfect person who I see perfectly, he is the kind of person I can actually see myself actually "falling in love with" if ever given the chance and opportunity, and for once in my life, that doesn't scare me, that doesn't make me want to run away like it did two years ago when I first met him.

Anyways now I am full on living in ptown, I've started my new job and have finished with the snowcat driving one. Things are going well her, I have this new cute bunny who is my new snuggle buddy and helps me out when I'm feeling kind of down, which I have been a bit given the Nathan situation and you add in the fact that there are perfectly good guys trying to get on my good side and date me right now but they just aren't Nathan, plus I lost an old friend a bit ago, I was heading down from the mountain as he was heading up we passed each other and the very next corner that he hit, his car slid on some ice and side into the other lane, where a driver that should not of been on the road in the first place (due to having his license removed, and having a warrant out for him for a DUI and some other stuff)  hit his car and killed my friend and his buddy. My friend also had a 3 year old son who he loved so much. So having that happen and then having to pass the spot of the accident twice a day for work up at the mountain was really hard. the weekend that was the hardest where I almost turned to Kody to bury my thoughts and feelings away with I ended up heading into ptown and bought this bunny and stayed here with her and snuggled with her and she helped me feel so much better without ever putting myself in a bad situation. Now Nathan was my first choice but he was feeling sick and thus I wasn't allowed to crash with him. Kody and I have been talking a lot more recently, and as I've known for some time he is still interested in me, but I don't know if I want to go there, at this point, as I said there is only one person stuck on my mind.

With that said being in ptown, another friend popped up from college, one of my favorite dancing buddies, anyways we went out for drinks one night to catch up, and then yesterday after work I went over to his place to make curry for dinner, I love curry, I love making curry and I love hanging out with friends and making food, so I didn't think anything of it although I was pretty sure he was semi interested but didn't know enough to really create a good judge of action for me. Anyways at the end of the night he surprised me with a kiss, which I attempted to turn down and do that whole body language of "Bad choice, Bail!" and he didn't catch it and yeah.. anyways. Not that I don't like him and not that I'm not interested, because I do, and I kind of am but there is that whole I'm not sure I am ready to totally give up on Nathan yet, because right now I would be happy to have non-commitment, no expectations hanging out, cuddling casualness with Nathan than to have nothing at all from him, which with me feeling that way would be totally unfair to someone else.

Alright now you are all caught up (basicly-ish) and I'm going to finally post this so you (whoever you are) can read it and see it, and hopefully I'll get back into the habit of blogging more regularly.