I have so many things running through my head right now, I'm not sure I can put them all into words, but I'm going to try.
The majority of them deal with Nathan, having got to spend Saturday night with him and Sunday morning, but also issues with myself and a little bit more with my dancing buddy, Simeon.
So I guess first things first: Nathan. I had a great time with him, he seemed more affectionate than normal too. He had a bottle of red wine ready for use to share when I got there. When we went to bed, the whole night when sleeping he always made sure to have an arm wrapped around me in some way or another, that I was pulled in close to him, which is something I desperately love. If you remember that cuddles for me make me feel safer, but not just that, I love sleeping entangled in with the person I'm with. I enjoy that closeness.
Nathan and I always cuddled when sleeping, but it wasn't an all night closeness, and entanglement, it was a little in the beginning and then when real sleep came he would usually turn over or something and we'd clam our own spaces. Although I would of loved the all night closeness, I happily took what i could get because I can understand those who aren't terribly cuddly need their own space and can feel uncomfortable or like their are getting a cuddle assault when they are trying to sleep and the other person keeps getting into their space. So I try to respect those wants and needs and usually just go with what hits and information I can gather from the other person on that.
I've been feeling like I'm walking on eggshells around Nathan. I'm afraid that I might do or say something that might re-spark whatever issues he was or possibly still is going through and in doing so he will push me away again. I would love to know what is going on with him more than just your basic casual answers, I would like to talk to him more about what possibilities we might have in the future, like if he even sees there being a chance for us.
I'm also constantly second guessing myself. I have this worry that I might of put myself back into a semi-relationship that I knew nothing would actually come out of it, like I have done so many times in the past as an attempt to keep myself "safe." Although I have gone over this and thoroughly thought about it in this situation and know that is not the case that it is just a case of bad timing. With my past though I feel like I have to constantly recheck and make sure that I wasn't in the wrong on this issue, because I have purposefully told myself I was alright and it wasn't that way when I knew very well it was. So that has been times of fear and frustration with myself as I start to worry that I'm just repeating my old, bad habits.
So instead of leaving Nathan feeling refreshed and happy, this time I left requesting myself and I've been filled with self doubt all last night and today. I wish that Nathan and I had the ability to be more open with each other right now, I'm sure that would help decreases these self doubts in myself, but I'm pretty positive he is not ready for that yet. I believe this to be the result of people assuming that good communication with people is meant for serious relationships. Where in reality we need to use it with everyone in our life, form our coworkers to our friends and especially with our lovers, but of course there is the fear that opening up to someone leaves you more vulnerable to them, which in some ways is true, but most of the time it strengthens whatever relationship you have with them and more than likely they will open up to you back.
Onward from that, I don't know how I managed it but somehow I basically ended up with 3 dates this weekend without meaning to. I think I can be way to oblivious to things sometimes. So I count Nathan in this category because although it wasn't a date I spent the night at his place and made him breakfast in the morning so I say it totally goes into that category. The other two I just thought of as friends hanging out, I realized they were interested in me but didn't figure there would be any moves really made or that it was meant as an actual date... which afterwords made me feel kind of like and idiot and also like a slut, no I did not do anything with the other two guys, I kissed and slept with one person this week, hell in the past few months it's only been Nathan. I did not give the other guys an inch, but it still makes me feel kind of skanky to realize I basically had three dates this weekend, with different guys, even though I totally did not mean for that to happen.
I was given the challenge of writing a bucket list today, of real life things I want to do and accomplish in my life. Goals, no just places I want to go visit or random silly things I think I should do for the hell of it. Which would require some major soul searching and really figuring out what I want to do in my life and where I want to take it. I think it is a good idea, so I will probably attempt to do sometime soon. Which for me will be semi heart wrenching and probably end up with me just balling for a bit, considering some of the biggest things that I want deals with my healing from all the abuse I've been through.
Anyways, once again I should of been in bed a long time ago, so I'm calling this quits.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
"love drama" and rampaging bunny hormones
The ptown life has been really good so far, even with money being tight for the next month. I've enjoyed getting to spend more time with my friends, having my own space, on top of that having a much bigger room, my bed room in hr was about the size of a really nice walk in closet.
On top of all that I got to go dancing (westcoast swing) last night for the first time in over a year. I had so much fun!
Now this is one area that my dancing buddy who lives in ptown too (the one who has been "making the moves" recently) has over Nathan, he is a really good WCS dancer, and not just that but he is also a really good DJ for WSC dances, and I love dancing with him. Not saying that Nathan can't dance because he can, but I don't think he knows wsc yet and I haven't gotten to dance with him yet... I don't remember if he knows how to do any ballroom dances.... hmm something to find out.
With that said, connecting really well with another dancer on the floor and being able to easily follow their lead and both laugh when we mess up, big turn on. So as of yesterday having gotten to dance with him, and he was the DJ for the night too it helped me start to think that maybe it was about time to move on from Nathan since he has seemed a bit wish-washy since New Years. I told this to Sarah and even told her that the few times that I had this feeling in the past Nathan would somehow pop back up and then I'd go right back into only wanting him again. Now don't get me wrong, it hasn't happened that often, just like once in the summer and then again by New Years, but it just so happened that the moment I thought that I would hear from him shortly after.
So this morning I got a text from my dancing buddy asking what plans I had Sunday evening. I told him I was originally planing to go down to vallis but was thinking I would be back by then, and also unknown to him I hadn't heard back from Nathan yet. So I told him I was probably up to hang out. Well that afternoon Nathan texts me letting me know he is probably alright for this weekend and which days wouldn't work for him. I just had to laugh. So of course my plan is still to go down to vallis.
Alright on from that silly "love drama" in my life. Other things are going well with me, no big healing going on right now, just not that time yet, nothing has came up for me to really work on again.
I'm painting again, working on my lion painting that I haven't touched in a few months. My bunny is being silly, her hormones have kicked in so she is trying to nest all over the place now, she really wants my bed, which means now when I am away I have to lock her up so she doesn't destroy my bedding, which is really a bummer because I really liked just letter her run around free and keeping her cage in storage since she did not need it. She is also trying to "court" me in her bunny way, aka running circles around my feet and lightly nipping my ankles as she makes little "grunting" noises, it really just sounds like she is humming. I keep telling her that for 1) I am female too and thus we couldn't mate, and 2) the biggest issue of them all is, I am a totally different species and we totally do not mix... but she hasn't gotten the message yet.
So we are on more bunny training besides me just trying to keep her off the bed now until she settles down, but also trying to get her not to nip my ankles because although it is light, occasionally it does hurt a bit. For the most part she does pretty good but she still has her moments. Which makes sense, she is still a very young bunny, she is 6 months (bunnies are able to live 7-10 years, she is the smallest bread of the lop bunnies and thus may live 10-12 years), her hormones just kicked in, she is totally new to this intense need to reproduce feeling that she is having so it's going to take some time, which I can understand. Plus there always the option that if she doesn't settle down here in the next month or 2 then I can always go in and get her fixed which would solve the issue because then she won't be getting the intense reproduce hormones anymore.
Alright I really need to get to bed. So I'm calling that done.
On top of all that I got to go dancing (westcoast swing) last night for the first time in over a year. I had so much fun!
Now this is one area that my dancing buddy who lives in ptown too (the one who has been "making the moves" recently) has over Nathan, he is a really good WCS dancer, and not just that but he is also a really good DJ for WSC dances, and I love dancing with him. Not saying that Nathan can't dance because he can, but I don't think he knows wsc yet and I haven't gotten to dance with him yet... I don't remember if he knows how to do any ballroom dances.... hmm something to find out.
With that said, connecting really well with another dancer on the floor and being able to easily follow their lead and both laugh when we mess up, big turn on. So as of yesterday having gotten to dance with him, and he was the DJ for the night too it helped me start to think that maybe it was about time to move on from Nathan since he has seemed a bit wish-washy since New Years. I told this to Sarah and even told her that the few times that I had this feeling in the past Nathan would somehow pop back up and then I'd go right back into only wanting him again. Now don't get me wrong, it hasn't happened that often, just like once in the summer and then again by New Years, but it just so happened that the moment I thought that I would hear from him shortly after.
So this morning I got a text from my dancing buddy asking what plans I had Sunday evening. I told him I was originally planing to go down to vallis but was thinking I would be back by then, and also unknown to him I hadn't heard back from Nathan yet. So I told him I was probably up to hang out. Well that afternoon Nathan texts me letting me know he is probably alright for this weekend and which days wouldn't work for him. I just had to laugh. So of course my plan is still to go down to vallis.
Alright on from that silly "love drama" in my life. Other things are going well with me, no big healing going on right now, just not that time yet, nothing has came up for me to really work on again.
I'm painting again, working on my lion painting that I haven't touched in a few months. My bunny is being silly, her hormones have kicked in so she is trying to nest all over the place now, she really wants my bed, which means now when I am away I have to lock her up so she doesn't destroy my bedding, which is really a bummer because I really liked just letter her run around free and keeping her cage in storage since she did not need it. She is also trying to "court" me in her bunny way, aka running circles around my feet and lightly nipping my ankles as she makes little "grunting" noises, it really just sounds like she is humming. I keep telling her that for 1) I am female too and thus we couldn't mate, and 2) the biggest issue of them all is, I am a totally different species and we totally do not mix... but she hasn't gotten the message yet.
So we are on more bunny training besides me just trying to keep her off the bed now until she settles down, but also trying to get her not to nip my ankles because although it is light, occasionally it does hurt a bit. For the most part she does pretty good but she still has her moments. Which makes sense, she is still a very young bunny, she is 6 months (bunnies are able to live 7-10 years, she is the smallest bread of the lop bunnies and thus may live 10-12 years), her hormones just kicked in, she is totally new to this intense need to reproduce feeling that she is having so it's going to take some time, which I can understand. Plus there always the option that if she doesn't settle down here in the next month or 2 then I can always go in and get her fixed which would solve the issue because then she won't be getting the intense reproduce hormones anymore.
Alright I really need to get to bed. So I'm calling that done.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
UPDATES!! OMG
Warning: It took me two whole weeks to finally complete this post, so some
parts might be kind of off, and well it's probably because I had to run off to
work or something and stop and was not able to make it back to adding more for
a few days.
It's been some time since my last post, and thus a bit to update.
Sometimes in healing you feel like you have to shout to the world everything that is going on, which makes blogging very helpful, other time it feels like you need to keep everything to yourself. Which is what the last two month were for me. My healing slowed down due to financial stress and also because it was just that time for it. Although I was still healing it wasn't huge things, just the continuation of relearning what is actually healthy sex and to no longer connect it to abusive sex.
Anyways since then I have broken my celebrity, although out of relationship too. I've decided I'm alright with casual sex although I would prefer to be in a relationship. Some believe that to keep your mind form relating sex to abuse it should be done only in a positive, healthy, committed relationship and I decided that I don't want what happened to me years ago to influence and control something that I enjoy. Although total casual sex right now doesn't seem to be what I actually want.
I may not be at "orgasm" state yet, but I am happy to say that I am now able to have sex without dissociate , I'm able to stay in the moment, to enjoy it and not end up thinking about anything and everything else to separate myself from the event. Which is a huge step, I still have more to do when it comes to sex and relationships but I feel like what is left I'm going have to deal with when actually confronted with the problem in an actual relationship, I don't think there is much more I can do totally solo, although I am working on what I can so when I am actually in a relationship there will be less to fix and less hardship for my partner.
As for financial problems, they are doing better. For a bit there though I was very angry and frustrated with the world, my thoughts being that if the universe gave me such a shitty hand in the beginning with all the abuse it should at least be nice enough and not give me financial problems too. So for about a week I was really annoyed but that was back in early November. I did end up snagging another job though, I got my dream ski bum job as a snowcat driver which has been pretty fun. I also just got a job semi in my field and accepted it so I am in the process of moving and finishing up with the grooming job. Which is bittersweet in some ways, but I am very excited to be moving and being closer to my friends. This leaving the grooming job has been kind of interesting though, because I work with all guys there, and since I am now leaving it gives them the opportunity to pursue me, which one already has started that. It makes me laugh but at other time it gives me the slightest of panic attack. This is because I am attracted to him, but he is a lot like how I was, being casual sex only, no commitment. He is looking for fun only. At first I found myself falling back into my flirting, very teasing self, but then realized that what he wants, is in no way what I want either, and even if he wanted something more I wouldn't do anything with him. Nice guy, makes me laugh for sure, but not what I want.
I've gone on a few dates these last few months, which is crazy 'cause I don't date. They have been lots of fun, but I kept comparing everyone to Nathan. It's like Nathan has became my standard for every other guy who wants to be in my life, and of course none of them come close. So right now I realize that it is still him I would like to be with, and also he is the only one I am okay with casual sex right now too.
With that said I need to update you on New Years. I went down to vallis for new years, which I was really lucky and got off. As much of the troupe that possibly could went to vallis for the new year's this year, so I was really hoping I could make it two, and didn't find out that I got it off until the morning of new years eve. So I bolted down there, straight from the mountain. I ended up inviting Nathan to join us for some ultimate frisbee, which he did, it made for a really fun game especially with having new people. We also invited him and his buddies to join our New Year's party, and very surprising to me, again he did. The whole day and night I was trying to read him to see where we were at that time, to see if we were still friends or if something more was acceptable again. Needless to say I had a great new year's, it was awesome to get to spend it playing ultimate with my favorite people and then start drinking at 5pm and not stop until oh... 3am (which is actually earlier for our group), and on top of that I got to go home with Nathan and crash with him and get awesome cuddles.
We have talked since, and he still is not looking for or ready for a relationship right now but he is okay with me possibly crashing with him when I come down to vallis, with the no expectations for right now. Something I am alright with, but funny thing is that I am only alright with it with him, I would not allow that with anyone else at this point in my life. This boy is getting way too much leeway from me especially considering we will probably never actually get the chance to be in a relationship together. Which is sad for me to think about, because, being totally honest here, I am a terribly picky person when it comes to people I want to be with, that includes just casual sex too. Way picky, it's one of my defenses to not being in a relationship and thus staying safe. With that said, Nathan is the first person I've met that actually meets all of my criteria, and on top of that for some reason unknown to me right now, from the day that I meet him I've always been very drawn to him. So I am knowingly hanging on to the hopes that something might still happen, because how often is it that you actually meet your perfect person? Now given, he is far from perfect, because everyone is, we all have our flaws and issues that's what makes us, us, we all have things we need to work on and get better with, and those flaws can help dictate the kind of person that would match us well, or the kind of people we are more attracted to. Just as our abilities and pros do. Anyways a quote I've always loved and believed in is "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly"
Now no I do not love Nathan, not that way but he is an imperfect person who I see perfectly, he is the kind of person I can actually see myself actually "falling in love with" if ever given the chance and opportunity, and for once in my life, that doesn't scare me, that doesn't make me want to run away like it did two years ago when I first met him.
Anyways now I am full on living in ptown, I've started my new job and have finished with the snowcat driving one. Things are going well her, I have this new cute bunny who is my new snuggle buddy and helps me out when I'm feeling kind of down, which I have been a bit given the Nathan situation and you add in the fact that there are perfectly good guys trying to get on my good side and date me right now but they just aren't Nathan, plus I lost an old friend a bit ago, I was heading down from the mountain as he was heading up we passed each other and the very next corner that he hit, his car slid on some ice and side into the other lane, where a driver that should not of been on the road in the first place (due to having his license removed, and having a warrant out for him for a DUI and some other stuff) hit his car and killed my friend and his buddy. My friend also had a 3 year old son who he loved so much. So having that happen and then having to pass the spot of the accident twice a day for work up at the mountain was really hard. the weekend that was the hardest where I almost turned to Kody to bury my thoughts and feelings away with I ended up heading into ptown and bought this bunny and stayed here with her and snuggled with her and she helped me feel so much better without ever putting myself in a bad situation. Now Nathan was my first choice but he was feeling sick and thus I wasn't allowed to crash with him. Kody and I have been talking a lot more recently, and as I've known for some time he is still interested in me, but I don't know if I want to go there, at this point, as I said there is only one person stuck on my mind.
With that said being in ptown, another friend popped up from college, one of my favorite dancing buddies, anyways we went out for drinks one night to catch up, and then yesterday after work I went over to his place to make curry for dinner, I love curry, I love making curry and I love hanging out with friends and making food, so I didn't think anything of it although I was pretty sure he was semi interested but didn't know enough to really create a good judge of action for me. Anyways at the end of the night he surprised me with a kiss, which I attempted to turn down and do that whole body language of "Bad choice, Bail!" and he didn't catch it and yeah.. anyways. Not that I don't like him and not that I'm not interested, because I do, and I kind of am but there is that whole I'm not sure I am ready to totally give up on Nathan yet, because right now I would be happy to have non-commitment, no expectations hanging out, cuddling casualness with Nathan than to have nothing at all from him, which with me feeling that way would be totally unfair to someone else.
Alright now you are all caught up (basicly-ish) and I'm going to finally post this so you (whoever you are) can read it and see it, and hopefully I'll get back into the habit of blogging more regularly.
It's been some time since my last post, and thus a bit to update.
Sometimes in healing you feel like you have to shout to the world everything that is going on, which makes blogging very helpful, other time it feels like you need to keep everything to yourself. Which is what the last two month were for me. My healing slowed down due to financial stress and also because it was just that time for it. Although I was still healing it wasn't huge things, just the continuation of relearning what is actually healthy sex and to no longer connect it to abusive sex.
Anyways since then I have broken my celebrity, although out of relationship too. I've decided I'm alright with casual sex although I would prefer to be in a relationship. Some believe that to keep your mind form relating sex to abuse it should be done only in a positive, healthy, committed relationship and I decided that I don't want what happened to me years ago to influence and control something that I enjoy. Although total casual sex right now doesn't seem to be what I actually want.
I may not be at "orgasm" state yet, but I am happy to say that I am now able to have sex without dissociate , I'm able to stay in the moment, to enjoy it and not end up thinking about anything and everything else to separate myself from the event. Which is a huge step, I still have more to do when it comes to sex and relationships but I feel like what is left I'm going have to deal with when actually confronted with the problem in an actual relationship, I don't think there is much more I can do totally solo, although I am working on what I can so when I am actually in a relationship there will be less to fix and less hardship for my partner.
As for financial problems, they are doing better. For a bit there though I was very angry and frustrated with the world, my thoughts being that if the universe gave me such a shitty hand in the beginning with all the abuse it should at least be nice enough and not give me financial problems too. So for about a week I was really annoyed but that was back in early November. I did end up snagging another job though, I got my dream ski bum job as a snowcat driver which has been pretty fun. I also just got a job semi in my field and accepted it so I am in the process of moving and finishing up with the grooming job. Which is bittersweet in some ways, but I am very excited to be moving and being closer to my friends. This leaving the grooming job has been kind of interesting though, because I work with all guys there, and since I am now leaving it gives them the opportunity to pursue me, which one already has started that. It makes me laugh but at other time it gives me the slightest of panic attack. This is because I am attracted to him, but he is a lot like how I was, being casual sex only, no commitment. He is looking for fun only. At first I found myself falling back into my flirting, very teasing self, but then realized that what he wants, is in no way what I want either, and even if he wanted something more I wouldn't do anything with him. Nice guy, makes me laugh for sure, but not what I want.
I've gone on a few dates these last few months, which is crazy 'cause I don't date. They have been lots of fun, but I kept comparing everyone to Nathan. It's like Nathan has became my standard for every other guy who wants to be in my life, and of course none of them come close. So right now I realize that it is still him I would like to be with, and also he is the only one I am okay with casual sex right now too.
With that said I need to update you on New Years. I went down to vallis for new years, which I was really lucky and got off. As much of the troupe that possibly could went to vallis for the new year's this year, so I was really hoping I could make it two, and didn't find out that I got it off until the morning of new years eve. So I bolted down there, straight from the mountain. I ended up inviting Nathan to join us for some ultimate frisbee, which he did, it made for a really fun game especially with having new people. We also invited him and his buddies to join our New Year's party, and very surprising to me, again he did. The whole day and night I was trying to read him to see where we were at that time, to see if we were still friends or if something more was acceptable again. Needless to say I had a great new year's, it was awesome to get to spend it playing ultimate with my favorite people and then start drinking at 5pm and not stop until oh... 3am (which is actually earlier for our group), and on top of that I got to go home with Nathan and crash with him and get awesome cuddles.
We have talked since, and he still is not looking for or ready for a relationship right now but he is okay with me possibly crashing with him when I come down to vallis, with the no expectations for right now. Something I am alright with, but funny thing is that I am only alright with it with him, I would not allow that with anyone else at this point in my life. This boy is getting way too much leeway from me especially considering we will probably never actually get the chance to be in a relationship together. Which is sad for me to think about, because, being totally honest here, I am a terribly picky person when it comes to people I want to be with, that includes just casual sex too. Way picky, it's one of my defenses to not being in a relationship and thus staying safe. With that said, Nathan is the first person I've met that actually meets all of my criteria, and on top of that for some reason unknown to me right now, from the day that I meet him I've always been very drawn to him. So I am knowingly hanging on to the hopes that something might still happen, because how often is it that you actually meet your perfect person? Now given, he is far from perfect, because everyone is, we all have our flaws and issues that's what makes us, us, we all have things we need to work on and get better with, and those flaws can help dictate the kind of person that would match us well, or the kind of people we are more attracted to. Just as our abilities and pros do. Anyways a quote I've always loved and believed in is "Love isn't finding a perfect person. It's seeing an imperfect person perfectly"
Now no I do not love Nathan, not that way but he is an imperfect person who I see perfectly, he is the kind of person I can actually see myself actually "falling in love with" if ever given the chance and opportunity, and for once in my life, that doesn't scare me, that doesn't make me want to run away like it did two years ago when I first met him.
Anyways now I am full on living in ptown, I've started my new job and have finished with the snowcat driving one. Things are going well her, I have this new cute bunny who is my new snuggle buddy and helps me out when I'm feeling kind of down, which I have been a bit given the Nathan situation and you add in the fact that there are perfectly good guys trying to get on my good side and date me right now but they just aren't Nathan, plus I lost an old friend a bit ago, I was heading down from the mountain as he was heading up we passed each other and the very next corner that he hit, his car slid on some ice and side into the other lane, where a driver that should not of been on the road in the first place (due to having his license removed, and having a warrant out for him for a DUI and some other stuff) hit his car and killed my friend and his buddy. My friend also had a 3 year old son who he loved so much. So having that happen and then having to pass the spot of the accident twice a day for work up at the mountain was really hard. the weekend that was the hardest where I almost turned to Kody to bury my thoughts and feelings away with I ended up heading into ptown and bought this bunny and stayed here with her and snuggled with her and she helped me feel so much better without ever putting myself in a bad situation. Now Nathan was my first choice but he was feeling sick and thus I wasn't allowed to crash with him. Kody and I have been talking a lot more recently, and as I've known for some time he is still interested in me, but I don't know if I want to go there, at this point, as I said there is only one person stuck on my mind.
With that said being in ptown, another friend popped up from college, one of my favorite dancing buddies, anyways we went out for drinks one night to catch up, and then yesterday after work I went over to his place to make curry for dinner, I love curry, I love making curry and I love hanging out with friends and making food, so I didn't think anything of it although I was pretty sure he was semi interested but didn't know enough to really create a good judge of action for me. Anyways at the end of the night he surprised me with a kiss, which I attempted to turn down and do that whole body language of "Bad choice, Bail!" and he didn't catch it and yeah.. anyways. Not that I don't like him and not that I'm not interested, because I do, and I kind of am but there is that whole I'm not sure I am ready to totally give up on Nathan yet, because right now I would be happy to have non-commitment, no expectations hanging out, cuddling casualness with Nathan than to have nothing at all from him, which with me feeling that way would be totally unfair to someone else.
Alright now you are all caught up (basicly-ish) and I'm going to finally post this so you (whoever you are) can read it and see it, and hopefully I'll get back into the habit of blogging more regularly.
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