Today, I've noticed a change in my mindset when it comes to sexualness. After finding that beautiful quote last night that compared sex to a dance where the partners melt into one. With that idea in my head that that is how healthy sex should be like I felt very cheated. When a dance with a specific partner ends up feeling like that, it is so amazing. It is by far one of my favorite things about social dancing, and why I love it so much, because there is that ability. It makes the dance so much more exciting, it feels great, there is an emotional high even to it. Afterwards the two partners are almost always so mind blown and happy that they did that, and share their enthusiasm for what just happened. So knowing what that feels like, I feel very cheated out on that kind of experience when it comes to sex. It' makes me sad to think about it. Also even more betrayed by those who hurt me because they didn't just abuse me and hurt me, but they took away years that I could of had that kind of connection with someone, years that I could of had the chance to form a healthy relationship and sexual relationship with someone. Years that sex wouldn't of been dirty, sinful, bad, scary, and painful for me but instead another way to share love with someone, a bridge of loving communication that words couldn't describe.
Right now I'm not just feeling angry at this but also sad and hurt, as the day continues it seems the sadness and hurt take over more than the anger. Although it sucks to feel such emotions it is also good, it shows me that my thoughts and beliefs on sex are starting to change. So although it is hard, it is good, it is a process of healing and I do welcome it.
I've noticed this week since I've really started heading on this new healing path that my attitude towards men has changed. I am much more annoyed and even angry with them, but I'm totally okay with the guys that are already in my life, that I am close with. So this last weekend I was totally fine being with Nathan, that one guy that I talked about in earlier posts, I've decided it's way to confusing just to be like "that guy" so I'm just going to use names. Anyways I was fine being with him last weekend, and with hanging out and sleeping on Travis, Chris and Keenan's couch and hanging out with all my vallis guys. Saturday when we went out dancing though I was NOT okay with any guy coming up and dancing with/grinding on me. Which I am usually not okay with anyways but that night it striked a fury inside me so every single guy that came up to me and started rubbin' his nasty body against mine that night received an unforgiving elbow to the ribs, or solorplex, or just right into the gut, whatever was closest... I'm very amazed I didn't end up starting a fight or getting kicked out. But then again I think every guy who tried something and everyone who saw just accepted that the guy semi deserved it. Most of us believe you should introduce yourself before grinding on a girl or at least slowly move into it. That night these guys were just jumpin on it, no nice polite way in, no seeing if the girl would be okay with it. If you are wondering, no I still don't feel sorry, also Sean and Travis found it very amusing to see those kind of tools actually get what they deserved for acting that way.
Yesterday I went to the gym at 6am to run on my low impact running machine. Well there was this older guy there, it looked like he was "training" a younger guy in less shape than him. A few times he looked over at me it what seemed to me like a kind of trying to figure out a way in to offer his "skills" to help me out. Thank heavens he did not though because I would of blown up on him. I dislike guys coming up to girls in the gym acting like they need help and need to be shown how to do things or be "trained." I'm sorry I'm an ex-ballerina, ex-ski racer. I'm use to working out hard core, also I've spent lots of time in the gym doing weights and cardio, and even use to train some of my guy friends and help them out with their routines so they could achieve their goals. I in no way want some old guy who's done so many weights to make his old body seem somewhat acceptable and semi tool like coming up to me trying to help. It's insulting.
I'm doing another early morning workout tomorrow and am hoping he won't be there. Anyways, so my attitude towards men has become very intolerant and angry with them right now, at least men that I don't know, or don't know well, or just don't like. I'm not too surprised by this, I know as my healing continues it will get better.
My whole life I've always became friends with guys much faster and easier than I do with girls. I've always wondered about this, but threw this process I've figured it out. Out of all the abuse the ones that did the most damage to me where the ones the women committed. Joan blaming me for being sexually abused when I was 2-3 year old and done by her son, telling me it was bad and dirty. Stacy neglecting me and all the emotional abuse she put me through on top of the physical and for years. Those words and actions caused a lot more damage with me mentally. My biggest issues over the years that I've dealt with were all damage that Stacy caused. So although I learned guys were sexual fiends it was the women who caused the most damage to me.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Relearning what sex is.
Having been sexually abused at such a young age my learning of what sex is was incorrect, because I was shown what abuse was, but not what healthy sexuality was. So right now I am in the process of relearning what healthy sex, sexuality actually is. I'm trying to make my most sub-concise thoughts about sex realize that what they think is sex isn't sex at all, but abuse. So I'm trying to create a new meaning to the word sex for me, which means unlearning what I "know" and relearning what is correct. Inserting correct ideas and thoughts of what healthy sex actually is. In hopes that someday those deeper sub-concise ideas of what it is won't taught what I am actually having, and trying to participate in.
Today when I was thinking back on my sexual experiences so far I realized that the times I didn't feel disgusted about sex afterwards, or during, was when I was dating Quinn. I didn't allow a relationship between us to start until after I fully trusted him. At the time I was celibate too so there was no just being pushed over and allowing a sexual fling like I have done in the past. Our first time he asked me gently and kindly to even kiss me, knowing my past he took it slow. Our love for each other once we established a serious relationship came on quick because we had already build up that intense trust in each other before I ever allowed anything to happen. During our time together, especially during baths he allowed me to examine his penis, to get use to it, to understand how it worked more fully, he would show me fun little things he would do with it as a kid. He didn't laugh at me for it, he said he had his whole life learning what it did and it was perfectly okay for me who never grew up with one to take some time to look at it and learn about it, and even play with it in a totally nonsexual way. This allowed me to become comfortable with his body, and even more so with him. Sex between us was always something wonderful for me, he would tell me how beautiful I was, how much he loved me. The belief that sex was dirty, bad and sinful shattered into pieces when it was put in context with his and my relationship.
I still remember today my thought pattern on that. I've always believe that if there was a God, he was a kind and loving God. Thus I couldn't understand how such an act as sex when done between two people who loved each other and done as a way of connecting each other and sharing that love could be seen as bad and sinful in his eyes. Thus why I never had any of those thoughts when I was with him.
Now on the other side of things. My next relationship after Quinn was with a guy named Mark. As with Quinn I pushed Mark away until I had gained a certain amount of trust with him although not near as much as I had with Quinn, also I was no longer on the celibate strike. Mark got off on calling me a "dirty girl" and "slut" during sex. Which shut me down, once again I was back into feeling disgusted with sex, and in our relationship my sexual drive died, completely. Whereas with Quinn I had such a high sexual drive. Sex with Mark was also very fierce, it was a fast past, he was almost always in control, which I'm sure didn't help things either. The whole last month of Mark's and my relationship I pushed him away sexually, which he respected because he knew my past but also because at the time my G.I track had failed so I was barely 90lbs when I was with him, I was this dainty very frail thing that he was trying so hard to protect and to help keep me well.
I found these comparisons very interesting and a very big insight to how my mind works. Before I never made the connection as to why my sex drive died with Mark, and why it thrived with Quinn, it just didn't occur to me. But also I wasn't ready to start healing sexually, I didn't realize that there was a sexual problem with me.
Although I've done most of my healing and self work on my own without guidance, there are a few times when I have needed some extra help. I like to turn to the book "The Courage to Heal: A guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse" By Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Two years ago, after I was with Quinn and when I was with Mark I decided to see what it was like to talk to a therapist. I was going threw really hard medical issues at the time so most of my time and energy was being put towards just trying to get back to an okay health level and dealing with school, my first love and the lose of him and then a new relationship not too long after that, my energy was pretty spent so I figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot. That in that time of my life I needed an extra helping hand and especially one with some training. I found it very helpful, my therapist was able to walk me threw issues that I was stuck on, like discovering why I didn't think sex with Quinn was disgusting. Also where that thought came from.
After my health recovered I eventually went back to working solo on my abuse healing. Right now though this sexual healing is something much more intense and driven so deep into me that I'm finding I need a little more help again. The Courage to Heal book doesn't really touch enough into the sexual healing that I need so I went out a found another book, "The Sexual healing Journey: a guide for survivors of sexual abuse" by Wendy Maltz. So far I'm already a quarter of the way threw it. I'm reading it every chance I get, then stopping and thinking about things, then blogging or journal-ling about what thoughts are coming up. I've been needing to take this step for a long time but until this year, never really new how to. So a lot of the things I've already worked on to some extent, or have thought about and acknowledged. But there is still a lot that needs to be done. I know I'm not going to fix everything over night, I know it might take a long time for some of these things to finally click in. But I'm excited to be moving that direction.
With that said I'm really trying to relearn what is the actual meaning for healthy sex, and trying to separate those ideas and beliefs from abuse. I understand it and believe it on the surface and have for many years, it's probably why I do get the amount of pleasure that I do out of sex, but I don't have that belief all the way to my core, in the heart of everything is still that nasty old woman blaming me for the sexual abuse that was done to me, telling me that any sexual contact was bad, dirty, and sinful and that if I ever did anything like that again I wouldn't go to Heaven. Now I am not a Christan. I am not religious, I am very spiritual, but I don't really know if there is a heaven or hell. But that belief that she put into me is still there, so far down into my sub-conscious, even though now with my logical mind it doesn't make sense to me and I can argue it and prove it wrong in so many ways it is still there. So it is going to take time to dig up that nasty poisonous seed, rip out all of its roots and destroy it so it can never attach it's self to me again.
In the sexual healing journey book I am reading right now and using as my bases for my healing at this time I came across this one quote, that put the idea of what healthy sex actually is in a way that I could finally really understand, because although I got what it was saying threw the whole book, it was all things I had already accepted on the outside layer. Nothing until this quote was able to actually penetrate deeper.
"Sex can be seen as sharing one's essence with a beloved, trusted partner, feeling the momentary pleasure of union, like the pleasure of dancing together as one"
I love this analogy because I can connect to it. I love dancing and I love social dancing, especially when it feels like our bodies mend into one. I have felt that, I understand that feeling, it is a joyous dance when that can happen. I'd like to think of sex as a really good West Coast Swing. Because in all the other dances the man leads, but in WCS there is so much play allowed and time when the female can lead. The best dances for WCS is when both partners get to lead equally, it becomes a dance of give and take, thus no one is dominating and no one is submitting. You share the floor as equals, both partners needed to make the merge, and both having to give and take to make it work.
Today when I was thinking back on my sexual experiences so far I realized that the times I didn't feel disgusted about sex afterwards, or during, was when I was dating Quinn. I didn't allow a relationship between us to start until after I fully trusted him. At the time I was celibate too so there was no just being pushed over and allowing a sexual fling like I have done in the past. Our first time he asked me gently and kindly to even kiss me, knowing my past he took it slow. Our love for each other once we established a serious relationship came on quick because we had already build up that intense trust in each other before I ever allowed anything to happen. During our time together, especially during baths he allowed me to examine his penis, to get use to it, to understand how it worked more fully, he would show me fun little things he would do with it as a kid. He didn't laugh at me for it, he said he had his whole life learning what it did and it was perfectly okay for me who never grew up with one to take some time to look at it and learn about it, and even play with it in a totally nonsexual way. This allowed me to become comfortable with his body, and even more so with him. Sex between us was always something wonderful for me, he would tell me how beautiful I was, how much he loved me. The belief that sex was dirty, bad and sinful shattered into pieces when it was put in context with his and my relationship.
I still remember today my thought pattern on that. I've always believe that if there was a God, he was a kind and loving God. Thus I couldn't understand how such an act as sex when done between two people who loved each other and done as a way of connecting each other and sharing that love could be seen as bad and sinful in his eyes. Thus why I never had any of those thoughts when I was with him.
Now on the other side of things. My next relationship after Quinn was with a guy named Mark. As with Quinn I pushed Mark away until I had gained a certain amount of trust with him although not near as much as I had with Quinn, also I was no longer on the celibate strike. Mark got off on calling me a "dirty girl" and "slut" during sex. Which shut me down, once again I was back into feeling disgusted with sex, and in our relationship my sexual drive died, completely. Whereas with Quinn I had such a high sexual drive. Sex with Mark was also very fierce, it was a fast past, he was almost always in control, which I'm sure didn't help things either. The whole last month of Mark's and my relationship I pushed him away sexually, which he respected because he knew my past but also because at the time my G.I track had failed so I was barely 90lbs when I was with him, I was this dainty very frail thing that he was trying so hard to protect and to help keep me well.
I found these comparisons very interesting and a very big insight to how my mind works. Before I never made the connection as to why my sex drive died with Mark, and why it thrived with Quinn, it just didn't occur to me. But also I wasn't ready to start healing sexually, I didn't realize that there was a sexual problem with me.
Although I've done most of my healing and self work on my own without guidance, there are a few times when I have needed some extra help. I like to turn to the book "The Courage to Heal: A guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse" By Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Two years ago, after I was with Quinn and when I was with Mark I decided to see what it was like to talk to a therapist. I was going threw really hard medical issues at the time so most of my time and energy was being put towards just trying to get back to an okay health level and dealing with school, my first love and the lose of him and then a new relationship not too long after that, my energy was pretty spent so I figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot. That in that time of my life I needed an extra helping hand and especially one with some training. I found it very helpful, my therapist was able to walk me threw issues that I was stuck on, like discovering why I didn't think sex with Quinn was disgusting. Also where that thought came from.
After my health recovered I eventually went back to working solo on my abuse healing. Right now though this sexual healing is something much more intense and driven so deep into me that I'm finding I need a little more help again. The Courage to Heal book doesn't really touch enough into the sexual healing that I need so I went out a found another book, "The Sexual healing Journey: a guide for survivors of sexual abuse" by Wendy Maltz. So far I'm already a quarter of the way threw it. I'm reading it every chance I get, then stopping and thinking about things, then blogging or journal-ling about what thoughts are coming up. I've been needing to take this step for a long time but until this year, never really new how to. So a lot of the things I've already worked on to some extent, or have thought about and acknowledged. But there is still a lot that needs to be done. I know I'm not going to fix everything over night, I know it might take a long time for some of these things to finally click in. But I'm excited to be moving that direction.
With that said I'm really trying to relearn what is the actual meaning for healthy sex, and trying to separate those ideas and beliefs from abuse. I understand it and believe it on the surface and have for many years, it's probably why I do get the amount of pleasure that I do out of sex, but I don't have that belief all the way to my core, in the heart of everything is still that nasty old woman blaming me for the sexual abuse that was done to me, telling me that any sexual contact was bad, dirty, and sinful and that if I ever did anything like that again I wouldn't go to Heaven. Now I am not a Christan. I am not religious, I am very spiritual, but I don't really know if there is a heaven or hell. But that belief that she put into me is still there, so far down into my sub-conscious, even though now with my logical mind it doesn't make sense to me and I can argue it and prove it wrong in so many ways it is still there. So it is going to take time to dig up that nasty poisonous seed, rip out all of its roots and destroy it so it can never attach it's self to me again.
In the sexual healing journey book I am reading right now and using as my bases for my healing at this time I came across this one quote, that put the idea of what healthy sex actually is in a way that I could finally really understand, because although I got what it was saying threw the whole book, it was all things I had already accepted on the outside layer. Nothing until this quote was able to actually penetrate deeper.
"Sex can be seen as sharing one's essence with a beloved, trusted partner, feeling the momentary pleasure of union, like the pleasure of dancing together as one"
I love this analogy because I can connect to it. I love dancing and I love social dancing, especially when it feels like our bodies mend into one. I have felt that, I understand that feeling, it is a joyous dance when that can happen. I'd like to think of sex as a really good West Coast Swing. Because in all the other dances the man leads, but in WCS there is so much play allowed and time when the female can lead. The best dances for WCS is when both partners get to lead equally, it becomes a dance of give and take, thus no one is dominating and no one is submitting. You share the floor as equals, both partners needed to make the merge, and both having to give and take to make it work.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Sexual Healing and My Story
I'm just now starting on a new journey of my healing process. This one deals with healing myself sexually and hopefully healing some of my relationship issues that I have. (More on this at the bottom if you want to just skip past the history of my abuse)
I realize I haven't actually shared my story on this blog yet, and to understand the issues that I will probably end up blogging about from here on out dealing with my sexual healing, it is best to have an idea why I have these issues.
When I was late 2's my mother and I lived at my grandparent's house, my mom had just divorced my biological dad and we had moved back to the States from Okinawa, Japan. My mother's family is one that is a perfect example of the circle of abuse. Clare, technically my grandfather, my mother's dad (I don't recognize this side of the family anymore so I call them by their names and not by our blood relationship.) Clare sexually abused my mother, and probably her two sisters, along with some kind of abuse to the other guys in that family too. They are considered a very good Christian, Mormon family so there was 8 children total and would of been more if Joan (grandma) didn't end up with cervix or uterus cancer from HPV and had to have her parts removed. Anyways long story short Clare abused the older children, some of the older boys abused the younger ones. Don, the youngest boy in the family than sexually abused me. He was only 13 at the time. When we lived there he would draw me down to his room in the basement with the allure of getting candy. Instead of candy he would remove his pants and mine and go to town... They say some survivors will "split" during trauma, especially sexual trauma at a young age. That is what I did, I only remember the before and after and a few moments of during from inside my own body, otherwise everything else at least when I recall it to memory is me observing it as like a 3rd person in the room. I remember that I felt pain and what I understand now to be sexual arousal, of course not of my wanting. Plus at that age I didn't understand it, it didn't make sense to me. Eventually he was caught, by his twin sister and she told Joan. I was taken into Clare and Joan's room first to be talked to about what happened. As the "good Christians" they were I was blamed for what happened, like it was my fault. I was told that any touch of that kind was bad and dirty and that I would never get into heaven if that kind of thing ever happened again. Pretty fucked up right? They had Don come into their room after me to talk to him and I remember hearing yelling from the living room, but I don't know what they ever said to him. Sadly at this time my mom wasn't around much, now being a single mom she was working all the time trying to support her and me and trying to earn enough money so we could have our own place, so she had no clue until the whole thing came out into the open to the family. The worst part about this first incident is that, those are my very first memories of life. My first memories of life is not something nice and loving, or the simplicity of a little child learning how to work their building blocks, but of being violated and used and told I was bad and dirty.
When I was 3years old to 5 or 6 by law I had to spend the summers with my biological dad Matt. During that time he lived in California now with his new wife and children. At that time I now lived in Oregon with my Dad and Mom, my Dad Dad, technically my step dad but as I said in the last blog when he came into my life he took up all responsibility of a father and more. So he has more than earned his right to be called Dad and a Father. Anyways Matt's new wife Stacey was some piece of work. When Matt was at work, she would neglect me, emotionally abuse me, tell me I wasn't worthy or pretty or good. During night time stories she would always make up a story about her other children being princesses and tell some tale about them, and when they would ask her to tell one about me she would always say no, that I wasn't a good girl and only good girls get stories.To give you an idea on me as a little girl, I was a very well behaved child, I was very quite and did what I was told. My mom and dad had raised me to be very respectful. As told from Matt, my grandparent's (from Matt's side) and Aunts who had some experience with Stacey and saw some of her unacceptable behaviors toward me they all told me that as a little girl I was basically as close to a little angle as a kid could be. Which makes sense to me because after having been through one abuse already and being blamed for it I was terrified of "messing up" again. I remember she would punish me for things the other children did, and when Matt got home she would tell him what "I" did and if he asked if she punished me for it she said no that she didn't feel like it was her place and so I almost always got punished twice, usually for things I didn't do.
If that wasn't enough of a nightmare with Stacy, she also beat me. There is one time in particular that I remember quite well. I was 5 or 6, towards the end of the Stacy rain. She had sent me to "the wall" for another punishment for something I didn't do. I was finally at my breaking point and I spoke up against her, I told her "I didn't do it!" and eventually I turned away from the wall and yelled at her "I'm telling Daddy what you are doing!" That one remark earned me a backhand across my face, so hard I probably dislocated my jaw that day. Stacy was a really intense work of crazy, she was ex air force, her and Matt would constantly get into fist fights... real nice marriage right? When I was in the picture her children couldn't do anything wrong, and I was the one who did all the bad things. Once I wasn't in the picture anymore she put her children in dangerous situations. Her boyfriends and husbands to follow after Matt molested my sisters, and one of her boyfriends beat my brother so bad it put him into the emergency room. Once her kids started getting old enough and started showing major signs of having lived through abuse and with a mother so fucked up she moved on, they became the bad ones and she started fostering children. Yeah real wonderful piece of work that lady is.
Those are the two big abuse situations in my life, and are the ones that did the most damage. But, sadly, they were not the only ones, they were just the ones that lasted for a long period of time. At 6 a babysitter's son molested me, he would hold me down against him and rub my privet parts vigorously telling me it was tickling. Which is probably the biggest reason why I am not ticklish today, I've totally shut that sense down and only very rarely will I let my guard down and be ticklish. That family happened to also be Mormon, and and during the time with Stacy she was considered a good Christan and was Mormon too... I have a really big issue with "good Christians" and the Mormon religion. Some where's in those years there was a one time incident when visiting a family friend of my mother's side of the family, where I was downstairs watching TV with this adult guy, who was staying with them at the time, so not anyone that I happened to see after that and also not someone that my Mom can remember either. Anyways he unzipped his pants and pulled out his member and forced me "kiss" it.
At such a young age I was unable to deal with what happened, so like most abused children, I suppressed my memories. I always knew something happened and something was wrong, but I never allowed myself to think upon it. Until Middle School came around. Everything started coming back to me, most the time in my sleep as horrible nightmares, I would wake up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat and crying because I knew it wasn't just a dream. Those years were really hard for me and my parents. I became terribly depressed and suicidal, I was also filled with anger. I was constantly filled with rage, at everything, I had a hard time coping with it and trying to keep it in check. I was punching walls so I wouldn't end up punching anyone, I was getting into fights. I attempted suicidal handfuls of time, unknown to anyone of course because I didn't want someone to stop me or even know that I was that far gone. I knew I never, ever wanted to show any kind of weakness again for the fear that I would seem vulnerable and taken advantage of again. One day there was an amazing breakthrough for me. For some reason I connected my excessive compulsive need not to show weakness with suicide I realized it was the weak way out, gutless and completely weak, vulnerable. Something I never wanted to be, so from that moment on I stopped being suicide and only had a suicide thought twice in my life since, and not one for a few years now. From that point on I started really working on healing, I looked at everything that happened to me as a lesson, that there was a lesson in all of that that would make me stronger. I also realized that after so much bad, the simple things in life seemed so amazing, it was a blessing to even still be on earth and breathing. So I became a fighter.
I learned quickly about the cycle of abuse, how victims can fall back into that pattern. My very first relationship was a physically abusive one, the guy threw me into a wall... But at the time I was strong enough, I wasn't going to allow myself to be a victim anymore so I fought back, attempting to give him as many brushes and cuts as he gave me. I ended it fairly quickly and after a few more bad relationships I stopped dating all together, and from that moment on I started having panic attacks when I thought a relationship with a guy was about to get serious. Eventually I became content with flings and temporary lovers who I always kept very far away from my heart in hopes to never be hurt. Late high school, my girl friends and I were sexually harassed and some of us even assaulted by this douche of a guy who was eventually was trialed, found guilty we all got restraining orders against him and he went into probation and was eventually registered as a sex offender because after he turned 18 his parole officer found kitty porn on his computer. That started a whole new set of issues for me, I felt like I should of figured it out sooner and stopped him from hurting anyone.
Eventually things got easier, and I only had issues pop up once every few months, usually always something small, than once or twice a year I'd have a big thing come up that I'd have to work on. My relationship issues and sex problems are the one thing that have stayed consent. About 3 years ago I made a small break through with the whole relaitonship thing and was able to enter a serious relationship with Quinn. He became my best friend before we ever started dating, we became very close, he worked his way up slowly to earn my trust and eventually started trying to date me, at first I pushed him away, for about a month he stayed my best friend but very lightly let me know the whole time that once I was ready he wanted to be with me. One day it just clicked. He was my first love and we became very attached. He had his own issues he was working on, and with my trust in him and my comforter as a friend not just a lover he was able to become that man he wanted to be. Eventually though he left me for the chance to get back with his ex now that he had became better. I was devastated, because for the first time I had allowed myself to love and to actually be loved back. I felt used, even though I know he loved me he still chose another in the end. Although things ended badly and which much pain on my part, I was still happy it happened because I learned something from it. I learned I could love and allow myself to be loved in return.Which was huge for me. Since Quinn I've managed 2 other serious relationships, neither lasting very long, although the last one wasn't my fault at all, its end had nothing to do with my issues.
There are still things I need to work on with myself int he relationship department but I am getting there.
Now when it comes to sexual healing, this is a totally new section of healing for me. I knew I had a blockage there, but until now had no clue how to start working on it. For me, I don't shy away from sex, and I actually enjoy it. And when allowed to my own ways I have a high sex drive. My issues lie in the fact that I can't orgasm, not even just for myself. I also have a hard time staying present during sex, once it gets to a point my mind won't shut up and is thinking of so many other random things and not just on the act with my lover. I've recently came to realize that it's not just my trust issues but has a lot to do with the fact that Joan drilled it into my head that sexual pleasure is a bad thing. So although I've healed enough to enjoy some of it I can't still get past it enough to allow myself to enjoy it completely. Thus why I hit a wall right before the orgasm part. There are other issues there too that all add up to why I can't and why I can't stay present during sex, but it's good to really actually know and understand one of them now instead of just guessing at it. So hopefully with more work and more understanding I should get there someday, and my lovers wont have to feel so lacking as a man, which even though I tell them why they still can't help but feel like it is partially their own skills and thus feel less manly with me...
Alright that's enough for now, because that is a lot!
I realize I haven't actually shared my story on this blog yet, and to understand the issues that I will probably end up blogging about from here on out dealing with my sexual healing, it is best to have an idea why I have these issues.
When I was late 2's my mother and I lived at my grandparent's house, my mom had just divorced my biological dad and we had moved back to the States from Okinawa, Japan. My mother's family is one that is a perfect example of the circle of abuse. Clare, technically my grandfather, my mother's dad (I don't recognize this side of the family anymore so I call them by their names and not by our blood relationship.) Clare sexually abused my mother, and probably her two sisters, along with some kind of abuse to the other guys in that family too. They are considered a very good Christian, Mormon family so there was 8 children total and would of been more if Joan (grandma) didn't end up with cervix or uterus cancer from HPV and had to have her parts removed. Anyways long story short Clare abused the older children, some of the older boys abused the younger ones. Don, the youngest boy in the family than sexually abused me. He was only 13 at the time. When we lived there he would draw me down to his room in the basement with the allure of getting candy. Instead of candy he would remove his pants and mine and go to town... They say some survivors will "split" during trauma, especially sexual trauma at a young age. That is what I did, I only remember the before and after and a few moments of during from inside my own body, otherwise everything else at least when I recall it to memory is me observing it as like a 3rd person in the room. I remember that I felt pain and what I understand now to be sexual arousal, of course not of my wanting. Plus at that age I didn't understand it, it didn't make sense to me. Eventually he was caught, by his twin sister and she told Joan. I was taken into Clare and Joan's room first to be talked to about what happened. As the "good Christians" they were I was blamed for what happened, like it was my fault. I was told that any touch of that kind was bad and dirty and that I would never get into heaven if that kind of thing ever happened again. Pretty fucked up right? They had Don come into their room after me to talk to him and I remember hearing yelling from the living room, but I don't know what they ever said to him. Sadly at this time my mom wasn't around much, now being a single mom she was working all the time trying to support her and me and trying to earn enough money so we could have our own place, so she had no clue until the whole thing came out into the open to the family. The worst part about this first incident is that, those are my very first memories of life. My first memories of life is not something nice and loving, or the simplicity of a little child learning how to work their building blocks, but of being violated and used and told I was bad and dirty.
When I was 3years old to 5 or 6 by law I had to spend the summers with my biological dad Matt. During that time he lived in California now with his new wife and children. At that time I now lived in Oregon with my Dad and Mom, my Dad Dad, technically my step dad but as I said in the last blog when he came into my life he took up all responsibility of a father and more. So he has more than earned his right to be called Dad and a Father. Anyways Matt's new wife Stacey was some piece of work. When Matt was at work, she would neglect me, emotionally abuse me, tell me I wasn't worthy or pretty or good. During night time stories she would always make up a story about her other children being princesses and tell some tale about them, and when they would ask her to tell one about me she would always say no, that I wasn't a good girl and only good girls get stories.To give you an idea on me as a little girl, I was a very well behaved child, I was very quite and did what I was told. My mom and dad had raised me to be very respectful. As told from Matt, my grandparent's (from Matt's side) and Aunts who had some experience with Stacey and saw some of her unacceptable behaviors toward me they all told me that as a little girl I was basically as close to a little angle as a kid could be. Which makes sense to me because after having been through one abuse already and being blamed for it I was terrified of "messing up" again. I remember she would punish me for things the other children did, and when Matt got home she would tell him what "I" did and if he asked if she punished me for it she said no that she didn't feel like it was her place and so I almost always got punished twice, usually for things I didn't do.
If that wasn't enough of a nightmare with Stacy, she also beat me. There is one time in particular that I remember quite well. I was 5 or 6, towards the end of the Stacy rain. She had sent me to "the wall" for another punishment for something I didn't do. I was finally at my breaking point and I spoke up against her, I told her "I didn't do it!" and eventually I turned away from the wall and yelled at her "I'm telling Daddy what you are doing!" That one remark earned me a backhand across my face, so hard I probably dislocated my jaw that day. Stacy was a really intense work of crazy, she was ex air force, her and Matt would constantly get into fist fights... real nice marriage right? When I was in the picture her children couldn't do anything wrong, and I was the one who did all the bad things. Once I wasn't in the picture anymore she put her children in dangerous situations. Her boyfriends and husbands to follow after Matt molested my sisters, and one of her boyfriends beat my brother so bad it put him into the emergency room. Once her kids started getting old enough and started showing major signs of having lived through abuse and with a mother so fucked up she moved on, they became the bad ones and she started fostering children. Yeah real wonderful piece of work that lady is.
Those are the two big abuse situations in my life, and are the ones that did the most damage. But, sadly, they were not the only ones, they were just the ones that lasted for a long period of time. At 6 a babysitter's son molested me, he would hold me down against him and rub my privet parts vigorously telling me it was tickling. Which is probably the biggest reason why I am not ticklish today, I've totally shut that sense down and only very rarely will I let my guard down and be ticklish. That family happened to also be Mormon, and and during the time with Stacy she was considered a good Christan and was Mormon too... I have a really big issue with "good Christians" and the Mormon religion. Some where's in those years there was a one time incident when visiting a family friend of my mother's side of the family, where I was downstairs watching TV with this adult guy, who was staying with them at the time, so not anyone that I happened to see after that and also not someone that my Mom can remember either. Anyways he unzipped his pants and pulled out his member and forced me "kiss" it.
At such a young age I was unable to deal with what happened, so like most abused children, I suppressed my memories. I always knew something happened and something was wrong, but I never allowed myself to think upon it. Until Middle School came around. Everything started coming back to me, most the time in my sleep as horrible nightmares, I would wake up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat and crying because I knew it wasn't just a dream. Those years were really hard for me and my parents. I became terribly depressed and suicidal, I was also filled with anger. I was constantly filled with rage, at everything, I had a hard time coping with it and trying to keep it in check. I was punching walls so I wouldn't end up punching anyone, I was getting into fights. I attempted suicidal handfuls of time, unknown to anyone of course because I didn't want someone to stop me or even know that I was that far gone. I knew I never, ever wanted to show any kind of weakness again for the fear that I would seem vulnerable and taken advantage of again. One day there was an amazing breakthrough for me. For some reason I connected my excessive compulsive need not to show weakness with suicide I realized it was the weak way out, gutless and completely weak, vulnerable. Something I never wanted to be, so from that moment on I stopped being suicide and only had a suicide thought twice in my life since, and not one for a few years now. From that point on I started really working on healing, I looked at everything that happened to me as a lesson, that there was a lesson in all of that that would make me stronger. I also realized that after so much bad, the simple things in life seemed so amazing, it was a blessing to even still be on earth and breathing. So I became a fighter.
I learned quickly about the cycle of abuse, how victims can fall back into that pattern. My very first relationship was a physically abusive one, the guy threw me into a wall... But at the time I was strong enough, I wasn't going to allow myself to be a victim anymore so I fought back, attempting to give him as many brushes and cuts as he gave me. I ended it fairly quickly and after a few more bad relationships I stopped dating all together, and from that moment on I started having panic attacks when I thought a relationship with a guy was about to get serious. Eventually I became content with flings and temporary lovers who I always kept very far away from my heart in hopes to never be hurt. Late high school, my girl friends and I were sexually harassed and some of us even assaulted by this douche of a guy who was eventually was trialed, found guilty we all got restraining orders against him and he went into probation and was eventually registered as a sex offender because after he turned 18 his parole officer found kitty porn on his computer. That started a whole new set of issues for me, I felt like I should of figured it out sooner and stopped him from hurting anyone.
Eventually things got easier, and I only had issues pop up once every few months, usually always something small, than once or twice a year I'd have a big thing come up that I'd have to work on. My relationship issues and sex problems are the one thing that have stayed consent. About 3 years ago I made a small break through with the whole relaitonship thing and was able to enter a serious relationship with Quinn. He became my best friend before we ever started dating, we became very close, he worked his way up slowly to earn my trust and eventually started trying to date me, at first I pushed him away, for about a month he stayed my best friend but very lightly let me know the whole time that once I was ready he wanted to be with me. One day it just clicked. He was my first love and we became very attached. He had his own issues he was working on, and with my trust in him and my comforter as a friend not just a lover he was able to become that man he wanted to be. Eventually though he left me for the chance to get back with his ex now that he had became better. I was devastated, because for the first time I had allowed myself to love and to actually be loved back. I felt used, even though I know he loved me he still chose another in the end. Although things ended badly and which much pain on my part, I was still happy it happened because I learned something from it. I learned I could love and allow myself to be loved in return.Which was huge for me. Since Quinn I've managed 2 other serious relationships, neither lasting very long, although the last one wasn't my fault at all, its end had nothing to do with my issues.
There are still things I need to work on with myself int he relationship department but I am getting there.
Now when it comes to sexual healing, this is a totally new section of healing for me. I knew I had a blockage there, but until now had no clue how to start working on it. For me, I don't shy away from sex, and I actually enjoy it. And when allowed to my own ways I have a high sex drive. My issues lie in the fact that I can't orgasm, not even just for myself. I also have a hard time staying present during sex, once it gets to a point my mind won't shut up and is thinking of so many other random things and not just on the act with my lover. I've recently came to realize that it's not just my trust issues but has a lot to do with the fact that Joan drilled it into my head that sexual pleasure is a bad thing. So although I've healed enough to enjoy some of it I can't still get past it enough to allow myself to enjoy it completely. Thus why I hit a wall right before the orgasm part. There are other issues there too that all add up to why I can't and why I can't stay present during sex, but it's good to really actually know and understand one of them now instead of just guessing at it. So hopefully with more work and more understanding I should get there someday, and my lovers wont have to feel so lacking as a man, which even though I tell them why they still can't help but feel like it is partially their own skills and thus feel less manly with me...
Alright that's enough for now, because that is a lot!
Cuddling
Although I have been through a lot of sexual abuse and a few abusive relationships I've always been very touchy feely. Meaning for me that I really enjoy just the closeness of a friend or my lover, especially when it comes in a comforting platonic cuddling way. Which is kind of odd for someone who has been sexually abused, but I always just accepted that that was just who I am.
I have always loved cuddling and even for a time was basically addicted to cuddles, enough so that when I first went to College and knew no one there and thus did not have any close friends near by that I could get my "dose" of cuddles in it added a new stress upon me. Or if there was times that I went a long period without cuddles I'd get very sad and feel unsafe even. And heaven help me when I was in a relationship and for whatever reason the guy wasn't in a cuddly mood, especially if I was in need of what was to me a very basic comfort. Then I would feel really down and like something was my fault.
Over time I did ween myself off from needing cuddles all the time, but it is still something that I sometimes crave and always something I enjoy. Any day I am feeling a little down getting some cuddles from a very close friend or my lover at the time does wonders.
Last night as I was working more on myself, right now I am focusing mostly on trying to fix my relationship issues and healing from the damage all the abuse has done to me sexually, something I'll talk about more later. It finally hit me why I am so depended on cuddles and why I enjoy and crave that kind of physical touch. None of my abusers every cuddled with me, they were either very strictly sexual or physical abuse there was no "pillow talk" no easing into it or them trying to really build up our "relationship" in that kind of way. So the only people that I got cuddles from when growing up was my mom and my dad (technically my step dad but when he came into my life at a young age he took up all responsibility and more of being a father to me), those two people did everything they could to try and keep me safe. They never abused me, so cuddling between me and them was that of a normal, safe relationship between a child and their parent. I realized I associate being safe and comforted with cuddling, and I do feel safe when someone, who is close to me is cuddling me.
Anyways I found this new understand of myself pretty awesome, even though it's a small thing, it's great to know.
I have always loved cuddling and even for a time was basically addicted to cuddles, enough so that when I first went to College and knew no one there and thus did not have any close friends near by that I could get my "dose" of cuddles in it added a new stress upon me. Or if there was times that I went a long period without cuddles I'd get very sad and feel unsafe even. And heaven help me when I was in a relationship and for whatever reason the guy wasn't in a cuddly mood, especially if I was in need of what was to me a very basic comfort. Then I would feel really down and like something was my fault.
Over time I did ween myself off from needing cuddles all the time, but it is still something that I sometimes crave and always something I enjoy. Any day I am feeling a little down getting some cuddles from a very close friend or my lover at the time does wonders.
Last night as I was working more on myself, right now I am focusing mostly on trying to fix my relationship issues and healing from the damage all the abuse has done to me sexually, something I'll talk about more later. It finally hit me why I am so depended on cuddles and why I enjoy and crave that kind of physical touch. None of my abusers every cuddled with me, they were either very strictly sexual or physical abuse there was no "pillow talk" no easing into it or them trying to really build up our "relationship" in that kind of way. So the only people that I got cuddles from when growing up was my mom and my dad (technically my step dad but when he came into my life at a young age he took up all responsibility and more of being a father to me), those two people did everything they could to try and keep me safe. They never abused me, so cuddling between me and them was that of a normal, safe relationship between a child and their parent. I realized I associate being safe and comforted with cuddling, and I do feel safe when someone, who is close to me is cuddling me.
Anyways I found this new understand of myself pretty awesome, even though it's a small thing, it's great to know.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Tomorrow is always a new day
I'm back home, my little trip was good though. I'm a little bummed out about it because there were a decent amount of people who were feeling a bit under the weather and the boy needed some space to think and work things out for himself, which is understandable. So needless to say all the things I was really hoping to happen didn't get to happen, we weren't a big active bunch. It was still good though we did get a few hours of frisbee in yesterday and a few people joined me out to the bars last night for dancing. Otherwise it was really chill and laid back.
Sadly today I'm feeling a little down, which is my own fault cause only you can make yourself happy it just depends on how you look at the world and the situations at hand. So for me right now I just realized I'm only able to get 24hrs of work a week at my job, I live in a very seasonal town and right now we are heading into the low/off season. Well 24 hours a week at min wag does not equal acceptable for me, especially since I'm working 5 days a week and only getting that much so it's not like I'm only working 2 or 3 and just need to add on another day, it's just that the hours at this place are shit and it's only going to get worse.
My boss from the Mt. last winter told me to apply for supervisor positions for this winter, and I did some time ago but haven't heard anything about them since, so I'm not sure if they are just running slow on deciding or if I'm just out of luck. In any case most of those jobs wont start until late October or November.
Today in hopes of fixing my lack of hours thing and wanting a more steady job I checked in to see what the plans were for this autistic guy I take care of, because at the moment I could take over all the days that they need someone to help out and I'd be doing slightly more hours with better pay, that and they prefer me helping out since he is very comfortable with me and we get along well. Right now they are trying to get him to add another day at this opportunity connections kind of place where they try to pare him up with odd jobs and bits to do, but they don't know for sure when that is going to happen. When it does happen I wouldn't have enough hours anymore which just taking care of him. So sadly that wont work out for me right now. :/ So I get to try and juggle the two for the time being.
Then there is the whole I'm still living here, which I do love this town and I love being here, it has most of the the outdoor activities that I like to do, but the crowed at this town are 35 and older, and I'm still in the young 20 year old crowed. So I really miss having social opportunists with people around my age.
So needless to say I'm not looking at all this in the best light so I'm feeling kind of down today. I've been trying to think of things that would help bring my attitude back up because I don't like feeling this way, but not much is exciting me right now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little better.
Sadly today I'm feeling a little down, which is my own fault cause only you can make yourself happy it just depends on how you look at the world and the situations at hand. So for me right now I just realized I'm only able to get 24hrs of work a week at my job, I live in a very seasonal town and right now we are heading into the low/off season. Well 24 hours a week at min wag does not equal acceptable for me, especially since I'm working 5 days a week and only getting that much so it's not like I'm only working 2 or 3 and just need to add on another day, it's just that the hours at this place are shit and it's only going to get worse.
My boss from the Mt. last winter told me to apply for supervisor positions for this winter, and I did some time ago but haven't heard anything about them since, so I'm not sure if they are just running slow on deciding or if I'm just out of luck. In any case most of those jobs wont start until late October or November.
Today in hopes of fixing my lack of hours thing and wanting a more steady job I checked in to see what the plans were for this autistic guy I take care of, because at the moment I could take over all the days that they need someone to help out and I'd be doing slightly more hours with better pay, that and they prefer me helping out since he is very comfortable with me and we get along well. Right now they are trying to get him to add another day at this opportunity connections kind of place where they try to pare him up with odd jobs and bits to do, but they don't know for sure when that is going to happen. When it does happen I wouldn't have enough hours anymore which just taking care of him. So sadly that wont work out for me right now. :/ So I get to try and juggle the two for the time being.
Then there is the whole I'm still living here, which I do love this town and I love being here, it has most of the the outdoor activities that I like to do, but the crowed at this town are 35 and older, and I'm still in the young 20 year old crowed. So I really miss having social opportunists with people around my age.
So needless to say I'm not looking at all this in the best light so I'm feeling kind of down today. I've been trying to think of things that would help bring my attitude back up because I don't like feeling this way, but not much is exciting me right now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little better.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Vallis! Yes!
I'm excited right now. I'm down visiting some of my favorite people. That guy and I had our chat last night, so we're on the same page now which is legit. My fears about the fact that I really only go for people that I know I
can't have a serious relationship are totally confirmed once again! But
I'm okay with this because at least I know realize it and thus can work
on it. I know I still have lots of work to do. Although it also makes me happy that we can still hang out and whatnot without the stress of a relationship, especially that of a long distance one, and also allows me not to face some of my issues sooner than what I'm ready for. Which is also me being a wuss and putting them off a bit longer too. I'm not going to lie though, as much as I like to think I'd prefer a legit relationship, when it really comes down to it I'm still scared of them and still really prefer the casual shit.
My ex, Dex, got in contact with me yesterday for reasons I'm still totally clueless about. So this guy majorly fucked up. We were really good friends before we started dating, he was an awesome guy, but when we were together, unknowing to me at the time, he decided to try heroin... and of course got addicted right away and turned into a total ass. Long story short things built and I was clueless as to why the change and eventually ended up leaving him at the coast during our trip there for my birthday and drove all the way home, thus ending the relationship. A few days after that he finally came to me and told me that he got addicted to heroin and it took me leaving him at the coast that day for him to realize how fast and far he had fallen. Which made everything make sense for me but also made me more angry because as I saw it he chose a high over me.With that said we haven't talked since then which was in March this year... so I'm pretty unsure about chatting with him now, plus it also brings up some of that old anger.
Anyways I'm way distracted right now so I'm going to call this it for now.
My ex, Dex, got in contact with me yesterday for reasons I'm still totally clueless about. So this guy majorly fucked up. We were really good friends before we started dating, he was an awesome guy, but when we were together, unknowing to me at the time, he decided to try heroin... and of course got addicted right away and turned into a total ass. Long story short things built and I was clueless as to why the change and eventually ended up leaving him at the coast during our trip there for my birthday and drove all the way home, thus ending the relationship. A few days after that he finally came to me and told me that he got addicted to heroin and it took me leaving him at the coast that day for him to realize how fast and far he had fallen. Which made everything make sense for me but also made me more angry because as I saw it he chose a high over me.With that said we haven't talked since then which was in March this year... so I'm pretty unsure about chatting with him now, plus it also brings up some of that old anger.
Anyways I'm way distracted right now so I'm going to call this it for now.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Too many thoughts.
So this guy, who has inflicted my mind once again, so easily. I have no clue where this might go this time, because it is different. I don't know what happened but that other lady hurt him somehow. There's been an anger in him this time. That beautiful peaceful energy of his that I first met has been disturbed with whatever inner turmoil he needs to go through right now.
Which of course ties in one of my earlier blogs about how you can't always help someone or that some help it actually bad 'cause it ends up hurting you. Anyways this of course isn't one of those situations where the guys is damaged to the core for some totally unknowable reason. This is the healing process of a single relationship gone wrong and the pain that it caused. Which at some point we have all or will all go through.
Although this isn't quite the same situation as I talked about in that blog it has some similarities. I have to remember that this is something he has to master himself, and I have no part in it.
We all have our lessons in life we must go through and learn from, some easy, some very hard.
Now I just realized that my description of someone capturing your mind so quickly might of came off to some as kind of an infatuation, which for some people and sometimes it might be. This one isn't really that kind of case though, because although after having spent some time with him I can admit I wouldn't mind a romantic relationship, for the most part, at least at the beginning I mainly just want his friendship. A chance to get to know him better, to form a bond. The basic human one to one connection with another. For it isn't often that you meet someone with an energy that is similar to your own but different enough too, so that they have the change to balance each other out. In my experience so far in life with these cases being around that person, even in the beginning brings a comfortable even safe feeling.
Eh I've had so many thoughts going threw my head today, most of the very conscious ones dealing with this but other more subdued ones going over figuring out what are my triggers for my what had use to seem totally random heart palpation. I had a very hard, fast one last week, luckily it only lasted a few moments. I went to my mother shortly after just for some comfort because when they are that hard they can be kind of scary and some physical contact like a hug from a loved one just makes things all better. I told he what had just happened and he looked at me and asked what was the trigger, after I said I did not know she told me that those things usually come with some trigger, the smallest of subconscious thoughts can set them off, which also makes the so hard to figure out what the trigger is. At first I shrugged it off but then I started to think more about it, and realized there was a trigger to that one. So now I'm trying to remember if that was anything about some of the others, but since they are so far apart and few (which is good) I don't remember anything. It seems that I must keep that in mind so the next time one comes on I can quickly wonder what was it's trigger and see if I can pinpoint it. This last one I was watching some tv and saw a snip-it of Family Guy where Meg was unknowingly having sex on live tv. Something about that situation really set it off and irked me. Thoughts to think about.
Besides that today I worked all day, both jobs. It was such a beautiful day here, a prefect temperature and very little wind so the river was all beautiful and glossy, as I walked to my 2nd job of the day I wanted nothing more than to go home, grab my sit on top kayak and go out on to that river. Sadly though with the days ending sooner now I didn't get the time to... :/ maybe next week I might get the chance.
Heh so as I'm rambling on in this blog the guy texts me basically saying he things we would slow down on him and I, and I shouldn't stay over until after we've talked. Tomorrow I am going to the town he lives in, where a lot of my other friends still live in too. I had promised some of them that the next two days I had off I'd come and visit. Well that just so happens to be this Friday and Saturday, so I leave tomorrow after work. Well last Saturday unknow to my other friends I came down and spent the whole day and night with him. Anyways I told him after I told the others that I was coming down these days, and said if allowed I'd love to stay with him this trip. He seemed to like the idea and was down for it. Although now it seems that whatever it is he is dealing with right now, that turmoil that I've been noticing has came in between us. Which I knew it would eventually, I just wasn't expecting it to happen so soon, but the sooner the better I guess. I was just hoping for the chance that we might get to create a slightly stronger bond than this before this came up, and also was really looking forward to the chance of getting to spend time with both him and my other really good friends this trip instead of picking one or the other and even trying to get those two houses to meet this time.
I just find it ironic that when I finally voice the possibility of "romantic relationship" with us, meaning on this blog that I'm pretty sure no one reads, and also to my best friend, Travis, who is one of the people I'm visiting tomorrow, letting him know why I wasn't staying with him and his house. That this comes up and possibly derails that thought. Heh
In any case, maybe I'll get lucky and will get to talk to him tomorrow night and come to a solution for the moment for us, and if I'm really, really lucky, maybe my hope of having his house and Travis's house meet each other might still happen 'cause I'm sure all of them would get along great.
Although I'm sure whatever it is he is going through right now has got to be hard, and thus I will have to wait for when he is ready.
Which of course ties in one of my earlier blogs about how you can't always help someone or that some help it actually bad 'cause it ends up hurting you. Anyways this of course isn't one of those situations where the guys is damaged to the core for some totally unknowable reason. This is the healing process of a single relationship gone wrong and the pain that it caused. Which at some point we have all or will all go through.
Although this isn't quite the same situation as I talked about in that blog it has some similarities. I have to remember that this is something he has to master himself, and I have no part in it.
We all have our lessons in life we must go through and learn from, some easy, some very hard.
Now I just realized that my description of someone capturing your mind so quickly might of came off to some as kind of an infatuation, which for some people and sometimes it might be. This one isn't really that kind of case though, because although after having spent some time with him I can admit I wouldn't mind a romantic relationship, for the most part, at least at the beginning I mainly just want his friendship. A chance to get to know him better, to form a bond. The basic human one to one connection with another. For it isn't often that you meet someone with an energy that is similar to your own but different enough too, so that they have the change to balance each other out. In my experience so far in life with these cases being around that person, even in the beginning brings a comfortable even safe feeling.
Eh I've had so many thoughts going threw my head today, most of the very conscious ones dealing with this but other more subdued ones going over figuring out what are my triggers for my what had use to seem totally random heart palpation. I had a very hard, fast one last week, luckily it only lasted a few moments. I went to my mother shortly after just for some comfort because when they are that hard they can be kind of scary and some physical contact like a hug from a loved one just makes things all better. I told he what had just happened and he looked at me and asked what was the trigger, after I said I did not know she told me that those things usually come with some trigger, the smallest of subconscious thoughts can set them off, which also makes the so hard to figure out what the trigger is. At first I shrugged it off but then I started to think more about it, and realized there was a trigger to that one. So now I'm trying to remember if that was anything about some of the others, but since they are so far apart and few (which is good) I don't remember anything. It seems that I must keep that in mind so the next time one comes on I can quickly wonder what was it's trigger and see if I can pinpoint it. This last one I was watching some tv and saw a snip-it of Family Guy where Meg was unknowingly having sex on live tv. Something about that situation really set it off and irked me. Thoughts to think about.
Besides that today I worked all day, both jobs. It was such a beautiful day here, a prefect temperature and very little wind so the river was all beautiful and glossy, as I walked to my 2nd job of the day I wanted nothing more than to go home, grab my sit on top kayak and go out on to that river. Sadly though with the days ending sooner now I didn't get the time to... :/ maybe next week I might get the chance.
Heh so as I'm rambling on in this blog the guy texts me basically saying he things we would slow down on him and I, and I shouldn't stay over until after we've talked. Tomorrow I am going to the town he lives in, where a lot of my other friends still live in too. I had promised some of them that the next two days I had off I'd come and visit. Well that just so happens to be this Friday and Saturday, so I leave tomorrow after work. Well last Saturday unknow to my other friends I came down and spent the whole day and night with him. Anyways I told him after I told the others that I was coming down these days, and said if allowed I'd love to stay with him this trip. He seemed to like the idea and was down for it. Although now it seems that whatever it is he is dealing with right now, that turmoil that I've been noticing has came in between us. Which I knew it would eventually, I just wasn't expecting it to happen so soon, but the sooner the better I guess. I was just hoping for the chance that we might get to create a slightly stronger bond than this before this came up, and also was really looking forward to the chance of getting to spend time with both him and my other really good friends this trip instead of picking one or the other and even trying to get those two houses to meet this time.
I just find it ironic that when I finally voice the possibility of "romantic relationship" with us, meaning on this blog that I'm pretty sure no one reads, and also to my best friend, Travis, who is one of the people I'm visiting tomorrow, letting him know why I wasn't staying with him and his house. That this comes up and possibly derails that thought. Heh
In any case, maybe I'll get lucky and will get to talk to him tomorrow night and come to a solution for the moment for us, and if I'm really, really lucky, maybe my hope of having his house and Travis's house meet each other might still happen 'cause I'm sure all of them would get along great.
Although I'm sure whatever it is he is going through right now has got to be hard, and thus I will have to wait for when he is ready.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Bleeding Week!
Funny thing with sexually active women, who are not wanting children yet. When we first get our period, see that first bit of blood, feel those first cramps. We are stocked at the very least a little bit more at ease with life. Even if we have been really good, using condoms on top of taking our pill at the same dame time every day. Then about 1-5 minutes after it starts and after that first excitement of "yes not pregnant!" we are annoyed that it's bleeding week again and we have to go through that whole process, especially if we are the type to get really bad cramps.
Guys can't seem to understand this, for one they don't really think about the issue of becoming a dad until it's too late (or until they are actually planing on knocking their lady up so they can be parents). Once on the start of my bleeding week I told my boyfriend at the time very excitedly "Yay! I'm not pregnant! You're not going to be a dad!" 'cause I mean bleeding week is usually annoying and a pain in the butt and for me sometimes includes horrible, horrible craps so why not start it off with some excitement and happiness about it until the pain drives that away. Anyways he just looked at me like I was crazy and asked if I was actually worried about it. I told him no but no birth control is 100% affective so it's always a nice little thing to see confirmation that I'm not actually pregnant. I also told him I thought it was a nicer way of letting him know I was on the rag that week. After a bit when he finally kind of got it he chuckled and shook his head at me.
The only time I never worried about if I was pregos or not was when I was on my IUD these last 2 years, because my IDU was more effective than even getting fixed, plus with it I usually didn't have a period anyways. Sadly though I had bad side effects from the IUD and after finally realizing my body wasn't going to get use to it I finally had it removed this summer. So this is now my 2nd period since then and of course it started today, but it just reminded me about that quick joy and than disappointment that you have to go through the whole bleeding thing again.
Heh I think of some silly things sometimes, I know.
Guys can't seem to understand this, for one they don't really think about the issue of becoming a dad until it's too late (or until they are actually planing on knocking their lady up so they can be parents). Once on the start of my bleeding week I told my boyfriend at the time very excitedly "Yay! I'm not pregnant! You're not going to be a dad!" 'cause I mean bleeding week is usually annoying and a pain in the butt and for me sometimes includes horrible, horrible craps so why not start it off with some excitement and happiness about it until the pain drives that away. Anyways he just looked at me like I was crazy and asked if I was actually worried about it. I told him no but no birth control is 100% affective so it's always a nice little thing to see confirmation that I'm not actually pregnant. I also told him I thought it was a nicer way of letting him know I was on the rag that week. After a bit when he finally kind of got it he chuckled and shook his head at me.
The only time I never worried about if I was pregos or not was when I was on my IUD these last 2 years, because my IDU was more effective than even getting fixed, plus with it I usually didn't have a period anyways. Sadly though I had bad side effects from the IUD and after finally realizing my body wasn't going to get use to it I finally had it removed this summer. So this is now my 2nd period since then and of course it started today, but it just reminded me about that quick joy and than disappointment that you have to go through the whole bleeding thing again.
Heh I think of some silly things sometimes, I know.
Has anyone ever affected you so quickly?
Have you ever found someone that captures your mind so quickly? I found this person about two years ago, I met him at a party, from that one evening with only a little interaction between us the thought of him kept entering my mind. He had a different energy than most and that is why I was pulled towards him. He was truly full of life and seemed to understand and enjoy the sear basic joys that life gives. It didn't take long after that one party that we started hanging out and in a short time created a semi-close bond. It seemed that with more time something more might of came from it, but at that time there was another lady in his life who he was able to see more than me so as is natural they ended up together instead, which is fine and I wasn't taken back by it. I was in a mess of a semi-relationship myself at that time and was spending most of my time trying to end it smoothly and fix myself from all the damage that it had caused me. Since I was in that position I wasn't displeased that he linked up with another who was able to spend more time with him. I was happy to have him as a friend and to see him happy.
In any case time moved on and past us. This summer I started chatting with him again now that I realized he was back from his abroad trip and hopping to get to hang out with him again since I was missing hanging out with someone of that kind of energy, to be with someone else who enjoyed climbing up a tree and just hanging out for a bit without worrying how silly it looked or any of that bs.
It wasn't long after that I realized for whatever reason he was single free again. Anyways now we live in different towns so when we've both had free time I've made a trip down to him. It didn't take long for things to flare up between us, and although we aren't really anything right now and in reality we haven't even gotten to hang out that much, my mind is infected with the thoughts of him. More so I think because I just really enjoy his presence. But it seems in such a short period, both times this has been the case. Has anyone every affected you like thus?
Anyways besides that and more on that topic that I'll probably say at a later time. I completed another painting a bit ago, I'll post a picture as soon as I take a decent one. Also I've stared a new one, inspired by this one guy of course. I'm painting a lion right now. When I first met him, it was at this jungle/animal themed party and he was dressed as a lion.
In any case time moved on and past us. This summer I started chatting with him again now that I realized he was back from his abroad trip and hopping to get to hang out with him again since I was missing hanging out with someone of that kind of energy, to be with someone else who enjoyed climbing up a tree and just hanging out for a bit without worrying how silly it looked or any of that bs.
It wasn't long after that I realized for whatever reason he was single free again. Anyways now we live in different towns so when we've both had free time I've made a trip down to him. It didn't take long for things to flare up between us, and although we aren't really anything right now and in reality we haven't even gotten to hang out that much, my mind is infected with the thoughts of him. More so I think because I just really enjoy his presence. But it seems in such a short period, both times this has been the case. Has anyone every affected you like thus?
Anyways besides that and more on that topic that I'll probably say at a later time. I completed another painting a bit ago, I'll post a picture as soon as I take a decent one. Also I've stared a new one, inspired by this one guy of course. I'm painting a lion right now. When I first met him, it was at this jungle/animal themed party and he was dressed as a lion.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Not all help is good for you.
Some females have this desire, this need to try and fix the broken men for whatever physiological reasons, for each female it is slightly different why they have this desire.
It is one thing to help friends out. For me having been through so much and having accomplished so much healing on my own it is natural that most of my friends come to me for some of their harder life issues, and I am always happy to help. Although in the friend category there are boundaries. Their issues do not have to pull you down. On top of that you are usually just giving them advice and not trying to fix them.
Where as in a relationship you are very much so emotionally connect to this person, and if the are really broken especially to the core, one must always remember that only they and fix themselves. No matter how much you are there for them, until they are ready to change they wont, and if you are one of those females and decide to jump on ship with them, more than likely you'll go down with them.
Even if you are one of the lucky ones and manage to help that guy fix himself, more than likely he will leave you, because now that he believes himself to be fixed and whole he doesn't want to be with someone who knew him as he was, and also you'd be a constant reminder of what he use to be. Not the shining helping angel that you hoped you'd be to him after.
It is one thing to help friends out. For me having been through so much and having accomplished so much healing on my own it is natural that most of my friends come to me for some of their harder life issues, and I am always happy to help. Although in the friend category there are boundaries. Their issues do not have to pull you down. On top of that you are usually just giving them advice and not trying to fix them.
Where as in a relationship you are very much so emotionally connect to this person, and if the are really broken especially to the core, one must always remember that only they and fix themselves. No matter how much you are there for them, until they are ready to change they wont, and if you are one of those females and decide to jump on ship with them, more than likely you'll go down with them.
Even if you are one of the lucky ones and manage to help that guy fix himself, more than likely he will leave you, because now that he believes himself to be fixed and whole he doesn't want to be with someone who knew him as he was, and also you'd be a constant reminder of what he use to be. Not the shining helping angel that you hoped you'd be to him after.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Still learning
Last week I had an amazing break threw with my healing. One that I was needing to do for a very long time. It has opened up many doors for me which is really good. Due to all the abuse I had received as a child and the fact that one of my very first relationships was a horrible, shitty very abusive one I've always had issues with relationships and actually letting someone in, along with feeling sexual pleasure.
Although given time and me constantly working on things I have gotten better, instead of always turning down every chance at a relationship or closeness with a guy I've managed to actually get into a few these last few years, and even had my first real love. Even though that came at a hard cold price it was still a great learning experience, and it taught me that I could actually love someone and allow myself to be loved in return.
Sadly though since that one relationship and learning break threw I've sat idly by hoping things would change and be better without me doing any of the dirty work, until last week. I've finally accepted and realized that if I do actually want the chance and ability to get into a solid relationship someday then I really do need to work at it. I still have work to do within myself and it is about time I've started.
I've been feeling this coming on all summer yet wasn't sure what it really was but even my body was telling me I had some new healing to do, my jaw was getting really bad as time went on, causing horrible headaches, I should always realize this is a big sign for me saying "Hey! It's time to work on yourself again and get some more healing done!" Of course it would be some of my old physical injuries from abuse that would start hurting when I need to work on things again... :/
On the bright side I did finally listen and last week I did start on my path, but from now on I need to remember that I need to keep working on this issue, it isn't going to just go away on it's own, I have to constantly work on it. I also need to constantly work on trusting others, but also to be smart about who I trust and also let them know that I am working on trust, and what I expect so that they can help me as well. For it is unfair to set boundaries, rules whatever for someone and expect them to follow when you don't even tell them what they are.
Although given time and me constantly working on things I have gotten better, instead of always turning down every chance at a relationship or closeness with a guy I've managed to actually get into a few these last few years, and even had my first real love. Even though that came at a hard cold price it was still a great learning experience, and it taught me that I could actually love someone and allow myself to be loved in return.
Sadly though since that one relationship and learning break threw I've sat idly by hoping things would change and be better without me doing any of the dirty work, until last week. I've finally accepted and realized that if I do actually want the chance and ability to get into a solid relationship someday then I really do need to work at it. I still have work to do within myself and it is about time I've started.
I've been feeling this coming on all summer yet wasn't sure what it really was but even my body was telling me I had some new healing to do, my jaw was getting really bad as time went on, causing horrible headaches, I should always realize this is a big sign for me saying "Hey! It's time to work on yourself again and get some more healing done!" Of course it would be some of my old physical injuries from abuse that would start hurting when I need to work on things again... :/
On the bright side I did finally listen and last week I did start on my path, but from now on I need to remember that I need to keep working on this issue, it isn't going to just go away on it's own, I have to constantly work on it. I also need to constantly work on trusting others, but also to be smart about who I trust and also let them know that I am working on trust, and what I expect so that they can help me as well. For it is unfair to set boundaries, rules whatever for someone and expect them to follow when you don't even tell them what they are.
Sept 2nd
It seems that the nights that I just cant fall asleep no matter what I try are the nights when I need to work on healing.
Another night to look at all the hurt and pain that someone else caused me, to learn from it what I can, and to let it go. To release at least some of those huge chains that have been holding me down almost all of my life. For they are not mine to carry. They belong to those who made the mistakes, let them carry the weight of their sins and wrong doing for I will not anymore. I choose to be free of the weight of their bad choices.
Take hold of your chains, take the weight of your actions because it is not mine, and I will not carry it anymore.
Tonight I imagine each giving the huge heavy chain I've carried from each of my abusers back to them. Although I can not do it in person imagining still helps and is still a method of healing, it's the symbolism that matters most.
I still continue to look for answer to some of the problems I still have from all of that, but at least I am one more step closer.
Another night to look at all the hurt and pain that someone else caused me, to learn from it what I can, and to let it go. To release at least some of those huge chains that have been holding me down almost all of my life. For they are not mine to carry. They belong to those who made the mistakes, let them carry the weight of their sins and wrong doing for I will not anymore. I choose to be free of the weight of their bad choices.
Take hold of your chains, take the weight of your actions because it is not mine, and I will not carry it anymore.
Tonight I imagine each giving the huge heavy chain I've carried from each of my abusers back to them. Although I can not do it in person imagining still helps and is still a method of healing, it's the symbolism that matters most.
I still continue to look for answer to some of the problems I still have from all of that, but at least I am one more step closer.
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