Trying to communicate

My letter to Erik...  Too much? Probably, will it change anything? Probably not, which it is not intended to, just to make sure we really are making the best decision. I realize that most people will think if it probably wont change anything then why even prolong this and drag it out? Normally I wouldn't want to, and I didn't want to at all at the beginning, I wanted us to move on cleaning and smoothly, but I also never realized how much it actually would affect me and how much I really was loosing by letting him go.Although it probably won't change anything by talking more about this, it at least will make me feel better and be alright with the choice that we made.

Alright here is the actual message I sent him today:

" Right now because we haven’t really talked about all of our options and what it would actually take to make it work to continue and do a long distance relationship and if either of us could handle that, I feel like we are just choosing the easiest option and throwing away a good relationship. Now logically I realize we probably did make the right choice but without really talking about all our options I don’t feel for sure about it anymore. I would really like us to talk about this a little bit, either over the phone, through messages of facebook, e-mail, text, in person would be best but I get the feeling that I won’t get to see you now before you leave so whatever works best.

 The things I think we should both think about and add our thoughts and input to are:

 Say we did decide to do the long distance thing, what would it really take for use to make it work?

  Right now I think it would take really making sure we keep a good line of communication open and total honesty, maybe making sure we specifically check in with each other say every other week with the main goal to see how each other is feeling about the relationship and how it is going, to see if there are things we can be doing to make it easier for the both of us or to see if it really isn’t working and talk about the possibilities of ending it.

 Another possibility is the idea of doing a “test run” which would basically be the above but really make sure we check in regularly with each other to see if it is work and finding out what the other person is feeling and needing, because in all honestly we can’t be for sure about how it is going to affect us until we try it.

 Things to think about and even talk about is how do each of us feel about possibly only getting to see each other about 4-6 days a month and probably really only in the evenings?

 For me this is the one that bugs me the most out of all. I don’t know if I can handle that, because I find that with too much time apart I can sometimes feel like I’m not actually cared about, or at least I have this last week, but I don’t think I can really compare this last week to the future. Some say love grows stronger with separation… I feel like it grows weaker. But I also think about the fact that it’s not forever, and right now I’m seeing if I can get back into school this fall, so possibly by the fall I’d have regular weekends once again, and at the very least I know I’m not going to be happy working where I am right now and if not in school by the fall I’ll be looking for another job with better hours and working days.

 Would we be happier staying together or would we in the end be happier separate and ending up dating someone closer to where we live?

 I don’t know. I thought the second option was it, but now that we have separated and it has really became clear to me what I’m losing, I’m not sure anymore. I haven’t known anyone else that I’ve clicked with so easily and so quickly, with a few words through a text you can make me beam like a silly little school girl. You’ve been so helpful to me these last few months which have been extremely stressful on me financially, and emotionally since I found out that I was living with a sex offender who sexually abused a little girl. You are truly, very dear to my heart and I feel bad that you haven’t gotten to see much of my normal usually ridiculously happy, loving life self because I haven’t felt like my normal self with those other issues going on and I’ve been annoyed that they have taken away what should have been total “honeymoon” beginning new relationship everything should be ridiculous happy few months. We did get some of that but no were near as much as we would of normally and that has always saddened me since I first realized it because I felt robbed of that. I know you said it didn’t bother you and you don’t judge me on things like that, but I’m sure you’ve felt it and that it has affected you in some way. I want you to know that although I never really came out and said it I do love you, and you are so dear to my heart and I’ve felt so blessed to have you in my life.

Could either of us handle knowing we let go of a good relationship and finding out the other person is dating someone new?

Haha I thought about this last night, it’s a silly thing to consider but in all reality it will affect us rather we want it to or not, the question though is how much will it affect us?

 Anyways that’s it that I have for you right now, please add to it, any other concerns you have, other thoughts, other options I didn’t come up with.

I am sorry to draw this out, I didn’t want to and if it hadn’t been for my dang mom I would of let it go as it was, but at least for me it does feel right to really talk about it."