Kfalls

My relationship with Erik has been great so far, we really do seem to match very well. Living situation will be better soon I'm moving into an apartment with two other people at the end of this month, so that should be exciting, hopefully in the good way, although I will lose having access to a garage which is a bummer. I've signed up to be a Pampered Chef consultant to hopefully help bring in a little more income to make things a little easier on me financially.

 So things have been better, although with that said I'm in a bit of a dilemma right now. Erik got the job in Kfalls and will be moving soon, Kfalls is about 5 hours away from me and our work schedules are going to be totally different from each other. Although he was positive that we can make it work especially since supposedly he has a three day weekend every other week and will be up here during that time I just don't know if I can handle it. I've pretty much have always been the weak link in relationships, to be honest and with the added long distance issues I really feel like I can't hold up.

 On top of that I really feel like a long distance relationship would take an actual commitment, and I don't know if I am ready for that next step up yet. So for the past week I've been debating this and just really not feeling like I can handle it and also feeling like I don't want that kind of a long distance relationship and it makes me feel horrible because he has been so optimistic about it and I can't see it working at all. I've been feeling extra horrible lately because I haven't been able to tell him how I feel about this yet, especially because I don't want him to second guess his decision in moving because it's a great chance for him and it will help him get to where he wants to be and I don't want to be the person that holds him back.

 I don't know, I need to at least suck it up and tell him at least the basics on how I'm feeling right now... I'm just failing at actually opening up that line of communication.

Boarderline panic attack 24/7

 The last few days I have been in a state of high stress. My body has been stuck in a "fight or flight" panic. This is due to my living situations and how Harry's record has been coming out to me. I'm pretty sure if Sadie and/or Harry would of just came out and told be about his past before I moved in and were very honest and upfront with it I probably wouldn't of had an issue with it. With it coming out in bits and pieces, and since it started out being told as a lie, like it's been one huge secret that's slowly being slipped out makes me very uneasy. It makes me feel betrayed and that I can't trust those who I am living with. I seriously would of thought Sadie would of realized this is something I should of known and that she should of told me before I moved in, with me being a survivor of abuse of that kind especially. Which makes me feel very uneasy and unsafe in my own home... and in a sense repeats the offenses of the abuse that I've lived through, in feeling. Feeling betrayed, not able to trust those closest to me, unsafe in my own home.
 So I figured I would be fine waiting until at least April to find another place to live or decide how long I can handle staying there. Although I thought I was fine waiting it out and not making a harsh and quick "flight" decision, especially when I don't necessarily have the financial ability to quickly get up and move again so soon, it seems with any extra stress put on, no matter how small it puts me over the edge into that "fight or flight" panic. The last two days I had a horrible headache from all the tension in my jaw (a huge sign of major stress for me, especially stress that is connected to my abuse in some way), and was basically on the edge of a panic attack the whole time.
 No extra stress and I was doing alright it was still in the back of my head the whole time but I was okay, add a little bit of stress say from crazy co-worker during our sale this last week and my system goes into overdrive... or the stress of starting a new relationship and we get borderline panic attack...

 About this new relationship. It is going well, Erik is wonderful. In some ways it frightens me, because I'm trying to let him into a position where he could really hurt me if he so did choose. With the abuse I have lived through I was basically taught that people in loving, suppose to be protecting, trusting positions are the people who betray and hurt me, it is really hard to let someone into that kind of position.
  I have to admit though that I want so much to talk to him about everything, the good the bad, but honestly to talk about the bad to him terrifies me. I'm scared that he will think it too much, too much bad, too much of a downer to stick with and leave. Now given everything he has shown and said it totally otherwise but it is still something I am scared of because I have had people shut me down and turn away when telling them even the slightest little bit because they don't want to know that such things happen in this world, they can't handle knowing people abuse little children. When you get shut down by someone like that, it makes you feel like the worst person ever, like you are the bad guy. It is a horrible experience to go through and leaves you feeling lost and like you can't turn to anyone for comfort and reassurance. Which makes it totally understandable why someone would be scared of that happening again even when it seems very unlikely.
 Abuse affects everyone, not just the person who did it or the person who it was done to. It affects those closest to them especially. It is a lot to ask for of a person to be there and be a supporter to an abuse survivor. You will feel their pain, their anger, their sadness. It will strike up your own extreme emotions, you will learn that this world is not safe, that there are some very bad people out there. It is a lot to go through, and not everyone can do it. On top of that it will always be an ongoing thing. Although it does get much better with time, there will always be something here and there to bring the issues back up.

 I'm pretty displeased right now that what should be Erik's and my total happy "honeymoon" time since the relationship is bran new is being stolen away because of this housing situation.

Happiness

 A good amount has changed in the last few weeks. Everything between Nathan and I is done, it seems he is not even able to have a friendship with me so that is totally done and over with. Which I was happy to finally know and felt relieved and totally able to move on, although after a week I realized I was kind of sad about it but there wasn't much I could do about it so I just had to move on. After finding out we really were done I started actually dating again, I've had a few guys after me for some time now and I went ahead and went on some legit dates with them and even a few new guys. It was very lovely and fun to do, I enjoyed actually socially dating which is something I haven't ever really done. It also got a little overwhelming trying to whittle them down to ones that I really clicked with and would have a possibility of being with.
 There was one person who I really clicked with. We connected really well, were both mutually very interested in each other. He is just as upfront and honest as me and has amazing communication skills which won my trust and respect right off the bat. Things moved quickly with us and we are actually dating, like full on romantic, serious, relationship status. It's pretty crazy because we have a lot of the same beliefs and interests. So much so that we're pretty sure this is either going to go amazingly or it will go horrible.

 Besides being honest and having great communication skills the big thing that helped win me over was when I told him about my past. He told me he has never had any exposer to abuse or those who have but that he did not judge me for it, it does not change the way he sees me, and that if I ever need his help or support to let him know and to keep good communication up with him during my times of healing.

 We have only just started dating exclusively so of course I am terribly happy to have him in my life right now. Even more so because I have been having some abuse issues and haven't been feeling the best because of it and it has been wonderful having him to talk to a bit about it. I must say I am tentative and scared at times to say much of anything to talk as much as I would like to about it because it is so new and I'm scared it will totally scare him off, but so far he has been very supportive and I'm pretty sure he will stand by me through whatever I have to go through but I'm still worried.
 A few months ago, possibly even half a year ago I got his book called "Allies in Healing"  it is a book for partners of survivors. I figured it would be a great book to help out whoever I might end up with. With the new relationship I am now reading it myself before I give it over to Erik (the boyfriend) so I might have a better idea what he might end up going through, and also know what I can do to make the process easier on him. At times I feel horrible because the abuse doesn't just affect me but it will end up affecting him too and if it wasn't for his relationship with me he wouldn't have to deal with such things, at other times it really encourages me because I am so far along in my healing that I'm already way past the worst of it so he won't be pushed and pulled so thin.
 I am 12 years going on 13 in my healing, and most of it I have done totally on my own. Tuesday, Valentine's day I had a doctors appointment, when writing my history if they ask about possible abuse I always write down mine. For the first time the lady asked about it and asked if I have reported it, which I haven't, although I've felt like I needed to do so soon. So she stayed with me for comfort and solicited my reports. So I filed one against my Uncle which was done to Idaho DHE. I attempted to do one against my ex step mom, done to the California DHE, but with them because I did not have her date of birth or her current address they wouldn't even write up a report. Which really annoyed me, even more so because of the DHE investigation going on here in my house.
 Erik helped out on that day too, besides the appointment we spent the whole day together, starting off with a nice hike in the Gorge area, then after my appointment he got really good pizza for us for dinner and showed up with that and chocolate and wine knowing what I just went through. We curled up on my bed and watched a movie.

Alright I have to get to bed, we start our big sale at work tomorrow and I have to be their earlier than normal so I need to get my sleep.

Best Friends

This is another thing I found in "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis that I found very appropriate because I have been so grateful to have friends like this in my life.
 This one is found on page 63-64 and is information to people who are best friends to a survivor and what they can do to help them.
 The question is: "The survivor in my life is not my spouse and never has been. We are best friends. Our relationship is sisterly, nothing sexual. How can I help her?"

" Weather you are partners whoa re best friends or are "just" best friends, you place a crucial role in the survivor's life. As a best friend, there's a lot you can do to help her. Love her. Remind her that the abuse happened to her; it isn't who she is. tell her why you think she's the best.

 Don't let her withdraw or push you away just when she needs you the most. Insinuate yourself in her life. Track her down and hang in there. Be your irresistible, charming (and sometimes cranky) self.

Bring her flowers. Cook her dinner. Offer to sleep over so you can stay up, listen to music, dance, read poems out loud, cuddle, and talk about your dreams. Let her cry in your arms.

Have adventures together. Encourage her to take risks and dare more.

Call her every day, or every other day. twice or three times on really hard days. Send her postcards with silly pictures on one side and affirmations on the other.

 Tell her it will be okay, that you're sure she can make it through all this.

 You've developed a history with your best friend, and history enables you to be a great meter of reality. You have perspective you can be the inside yardstick. Remind her that she's actually made progress in the last year. Document the specifics. As a best friend, your opinions are invaluable: you can tell her when she's attracted to someone who's dangerous for her, remind her of all the ways she's successfully dealt with panic before, and offer to go with her to visit her brother because you already know how difficult it will be.

 Survivors who have best friends are on very good ground. A survivor can pay a therapist or join a support group (great things indeed), but her best friend is there because of loyalty and love, not because she's being paid or because she shares a particular pocked of agony. With you as a best friend, the survivor gets to learn a lot about genuine love and acceptance.

 If you're not also the survivor's partner, don't belittle your relationship or your importance in her life because you're "only friends." Many survivors have maintained friendships that have been more long-lasting and influential than any of their love relationships. You're a crucial part of her support system. You place an importance role in her life. (And she in yours.)

 Keep your relationship current. Make sure you keep things reciprocal so you'll want to keep being best friends. Ask her for things you need, too.

 Take your commitment to each other seriously. Work on problems or issues that come up between you. Best friends need tune-ups just like other relationships. But don't forget to have fun. She probably doesn't laugh with anybody the way she laughs with you. And sometimes that's the best therapy of all."

How do I keep holding on?

I found this in "Allies in Healing" by Laura Davis it is a book for partners of sexual abused survivors. Found on page 86.

The question a lot of partners ask "How do I hold on when it appears there is nothing to hold on to?"
Laura's answer:

          " You just do. You breathe. You put one foot in front of the other. You breathe again. You reach inside yourself for strength you didn't know you had. You tell yourself, "One day, one hour, one minute at a time." 

 When the bottoms drops out of your world, sometimes you just have to stop and sit with it. Say to yourself: "This is my life. I'm in terrible pain. I feel lost. I don't know what to do. This is true for me right now." Keep breathing and remind yourself, "This too shall pass."

 I believe the human spirit is very big. I think we are capable of a lot more than we think we are. You're being pushed to your limits right now. If you have a belief, a love, or a passion that connects you to a power beyond yourself - whether it's music, God, or the maple trees outside your window - call on that power now. Pray. Ask for help.

 When the world you've known is shattered in pieces around you, do something small and concrete and manageable. Buy a chicken, put some spices on it, and put it in the oven. Wash the dishes. Clean your whitewalls. Refinish a chair, something that's completed and beautiful and steady when you're done. Keep breathing. Watch the moment pass.

 Reach out to other people. You need friends right now, witnesses who can say, "Yes, it really is this bad. You're not making it up. Your life is really awful right now."

Ultimately, there's only so much other people can do. When we're in our deepest pain and despair, no one can take it away. These are your feelings of helplessness, loneliness, and confusion. I can say I understand them, but they are your feelings to feel. Sit with them. Follow them. Sometimes if we go deep enough into our pain, it changes into something else."

  I believe this is something that goes for everyone, for survivors, partners. Anyone in a hard time or situation. Keep this in mind, because it can help.

Forgivness

 Some people believe that to fully heal from anything you have to be able to forgive. This is not true, especially when healing from abuse, it is not necessary to forgive your abusers. Some feel like they have to usually due to religious beliefs, or they think if they don't forgive they will continue to be angry and bitter, which is not the case either.
 I choose not to forgive, because I believe abuse is an unforgivable crime. That person has forever changed a persons life for the worse, especially when it's abuse to children. The abuser takes away any chance of a healthy upbringing for that child, it forces the child to grow up quicker to never feel safe or protected and completely takes away their childhood. Abuse doesn't just affect the survivor though, it affect everyone else in the survivors life, their friends, their partner, their family, it touches everyone.
 So no I will not forgive those that abused me because they have caused a life time of pain and hurt for me, they have made having a relationship with anyone else terribly hard and trialing, and have made me wonder if I would ever be able to allow someone far enough in to marry them someday or if I am destined to forever be alone because I don't have the ability to open up and trust people anymore.

DHS

 So a few weeks ago a lady called child protective services on Sadie, she was in a cash in go to cash a check and the baby was crying, as babies do, especially colicky babies. The lady found this unacceptable and called the cops. A police officer stopped by the next night at our house to see if it was safe. He made his report saying everything looked fine, but that he did not know if DHE would want to make an investigation or not. DHE decided to make an investigation...
 At first all I was told by Sadie was just that, then as the investigation continues she tells me it is because Harry is a registered sex offender, because the daughter of his ex-wife reported him for sexual abuse which she also did to her step father before him too, but that he did not actually do anything, but because the girl said he did he spent 6 years in jail, did rehabilitation and is a registered sex offender now.
 Last night though I was told he pleaded guilty and that Sadie couldn't totally blame him because he didn't go looking for it, that the girl went to him because she had been abused by her past 2 "dads" and had came to expect it and even seek it out... I asked her how old she was when it happened, thinking if she was an older teenager then I can understand why Sadie doesn't blame him... the girl was 9 years old. I do not know anything past that.
 Basically I am living with a sexual offender. Do I believe people can change and get better if they do abuse, yes, so I believe Harry won't ever do that again and that whoever is around him is safe? Yes I do. Am I okay being a survivor of abuse and living with a sexual offender no matter who that person is? HELL FUCKING NO
 So I may not wait to move out until Sarah and her roommate's lease goes up so the three of us can get a place, there is a chance if I can find the right place to move in that I will move out by April. Harry is out of the state for work and will be for sometime thus luckily giving me time to figure out my own thoughts and what I really need, if I can be fine with this until summer or if I need to move out sooner.