Still fighting and pushing forward.

 Oh life, it can really push you to your limits.
 It has been well over a year since I last posted and of course a lot has changed. Erik moved to Kfalls, we visited a few time and we still talk from time to time. I moved out of the horrendous living situation I was in, the one where I was living with my long time best friend, her new baby and fiance who happened to be a sex offender who went to jail for 6 years for sexually abusing a 9 year old girl and my best friend who had been with me through all my healing lied to my face time and time again. So I moved in with what seemed to be a lovely couple only to find out a few months into the new place that I had moved into another bad situation. Yay bi-polar people who decide they don't need to take their meds... I ended up selling Tiger (black bunny) since Lilly and her did not bond.
 I moved back to Hood River with my family last December. It has been so nice to finally have a solid foundation under my feet and be surrounded by people who I love and love me. I am very blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my family.

 Needless to say with everything that happened last year I ended up having high anxiety every day, major depression and became suicidal again for the first time in 11 years. Luckily I was strong enough to reach out to my support circle. With their help I pulled myself out of it. but was still dealing with high anxiety and depression. Can you blame me after everything I had gone through?

 Once I moved back to HR and finally felt safe I ended up getting very injured at work. I have a bulged disc in my neck and a very messed up back. Then on New Years I got a concussion and separated my shoulder, tore my AC ligament resulting in a 2nd degree separated shoulder, best part was that I was totally sober.
 I was in a sling for 3 weeks, then months of physical therapy to regain the use of my right arm and shoulder. I had fun practicing writing with my left hand since my right was totally useless. A separated shoulder is a 6 month injury so I am totally back from it now, but I do still have some pain in my shoulder at times.
 As for my back and neck... It's been 11 months and I'm still in a lot of pain, I can't wash dishes without my back locking up and breaking out in painful muscle spasms. The bulge disc in my neck is pressing right into my spinal cord. It is a constant ache, sometimes so bad that all I can manage is to lay down and try to take all the weight off my neck. I have numbness in my hand and occasionally my whole arm well go numb and tingly. These injuries have really hindered my life and mobility. Although I have been handling it well.
 I started seeing a psychologist again. With everything that happened last year and then all the medical stuff I have been going through it was well past time that I got some extra help. I also decided to go on an SSRI for the moment in time, to help with my consent high anxiety and depression. It has really helped. I have started to actually feel like me again, although now that I have been on it for 6+ months it seems I need the dose adjusted. I've very drug resistant so I think my body has finally gotten use to it and is metabolizing it faster or something along those lines, so it is not working very well anymore. Silly anxiety has poked it's nasty head out again.

 Happy news is that I am now together with my best friend, Travis. We have been friends for 10 years, and became best friends in college. We had previously talked many times throughout the years how we would make an amazing couple but due to my issues with relationships it would trigger me into an anxiety attack and I would shut down that idea of us being together. Over a month ago I was just starting to socially date this guy and it was going very well, then the relationship triggered me and I hit full blown into a panic attack. In the time of trying to deal with it the thought came to me that maybe I have to work through the anxiety and panic attack in order to get to the other side and finally be in a solid, loving relationship. Then I thought "who would I want to do that for? Who is worth going through that for?" Travis immediately came to my mind.
 I had already wanted to call him and talk to him, since we pretty much have been in an emotional relationship for years, just not physical. I was already use to sharing everything with Travis and talking to him through my problems. So I called him and shared with him everything, even that thought process. We decided to meet up for lunch that day, in the middle of Corvallis where he lives, and Portland where I work. We hung out for hours, talking and lightly cuddling. At the end he asked me if I would be up to going on a date to see how it would feel, and I accepted.
 Since I already said we are together, obviously it went great. It feels very natural, and I already know he is the guy I'm going to marry, he knows this too. Not hard to guess since way before we even started dating we had already planed out our house and how we would raise our children...

 So I am still working on my healing, still working on dealing with my physical damage and trying to heal and come back from that. Currently working 50-60 hours a week between my two jobs, and filling my free time with projects, sowing, painting, sketching, as well as lots of reading and some video games. Heh... Life...
 Last year I would of never imaged myself in this place or going through all of this, the good and the bad, but here I am, and I am still fighting and pushing forward.