Cuddling

Although I have been through a lot of sexual abuse and a few abusive relationships I've always been very touchy feely. Meaning for me that I really enjoy just the closeness of a friend or my lover, especially when it comes in a comforting platonic cuddling way. Which is kind of odd for someone who has been sexually abused, but I always just accepted that that was just who I am.
 I have always loved cuddling and even for a time was basically addicted to cuddles, enough so that when I first went to College and knew no one there and thus did not have any close friends near by that I could get my "dose" of cuddles in it added a new stress upon me. Or if there was times that I went a long period without cuddles I'd get very sad and feel unsafe even. And heaven help me when I was in a relationship and for whatever reason the guy wasn't in a cuddly mood, especially if I was in need of what was to me a very basic comfort. Then I would feel really down and like something was my fault.
 Over time I did ween myself off from needing cuddles all the time, but it is still something that I sometimes crave and always something I enjoy. Any day I am feeling a little down getting some cuddles from a very close friend or my lover at the time does wonders.
 Last night as I was working more on myself, right now I am focusing mostly on trying to fix my relationship issues and healing from the damage all the abuse has done to me sexually, something I'll talk about more later. It finally hit me why I am so depended on cuddles and why I enjoy and crave that kind of physical touch. None of my abusers every cuddled with me, they were either very strictly sexual or physical abuse there was no "pillow talk" no easing into it or them trying to really build up our "relationship" in that kind of way. So the only people that I got cuddles from when growing up was my mom and my dad (technically my step dad but when he came into my life at a young age he took up all responsibility and more of being a father to me), those two people did everything they could to try and keep me safe. They never abused me, so cuddling between me and them was that of a normal, safe relationship between a child and their parent. I realized I associate being safe and comforted with cuddling, and I do feel safe when someone, who is close to me is cuddling me.

Anyways I found this new understand of myself pretty awesome, even though it's a small thing, it's great to know.