Relearning what sex is.

 Having been sexually abused at such a young age my learning of what sex is was incorrect, because I was shown what abuse was, but not what healthy sexuality was. So right now I am in the process of relearning what healthy sex, sexuality actually is. I'm trying to make my most sub-concise thoughts about sex realize that what they think is sex isn't sex at all, but abuse. So I'm trying to create a new meaning to the word sex for me, which means unlearning what I "know" and relearning what is correct. Inserting correct ideas and thoughts of what healthy sex actually is. In hopes that someday those deeper sub-concise ideas of what it is won't taught what I am actually having, and trying to participate in.

Today when I was thinking back on my sexual experiences so far I realized that the times I didn't feel disgusted about sex afterwards, or during, was when I was dating Quinn. I didn't allow a relationship between us to start until after I fully trusted him. At the time I was celibate too so there was no just being pushed over and allowing a sexual fling like I have done in the past. Our first time he asked me gently and kindly to even kiss me, knowing my past he took it slow. Our love for each other once we established a serious relationship came on quick because we had already build up that intense trust in each other before I ever allowed anything to happen. During our time together, especially during baths he allowed me to examine his penis, to get use to it, to understand how it worked more fully, he would show me fun little things he would do with it as a kid. He didn't laugh at me for it, he said he had his whole life learning what it did and it was perfectly okay for me who never grew up with one to take some time to look at it and learn about it, and even play with it in a totally nonsexual way. This allowed me to become comfortable with his body, and even more so with him. Sex between us was always something wonderful for me, he would tell me how beautiful I was, how much he loved me. The belief that sex was dirty, bad and sinful shattered into pieces when it was put in context with his and my relationship.
 I still remember today my thought pattern on that. I've always believe that if there was a God, he was a kind and loving God. Thus I couldn't understand how such an act as sex when done between two people who loved each other and done as a way of connecting each other and sharing that love could be seen as bad and sinful in his eyes. Thus why I never had any of those thoughts when I was with him.

Now on the other side of things. My next relationship after Quinn was with a guy named Mark. As with Quinn I pushed Mark away until I had gained a certain amount of trust with him although not near as much as I had with Quinn, also I was no longer on the celibate strike. Mark got off on calling me a "dirty girl" and "slut" during sex. Which shut me down, once again I was back into feeling disgusted with sex, and in our relationship my sexual drive died, completely. Whereas with Quinn I had such a high sexual drive. Sex with Mark was also very fierce, it was a fast past, he was almost always in control, which I'm sure didn't help things either. The whole last month of Mark's and my relationship I pushed him away sexually, which he respected because he knew my past but also because at the time my G.I track had failed so I was barely 90lbs when I was with him, I was this dainty very frail thing that he was trying so hard to protect and to help keep me well.

I found these comparisons very interesting and a very big insight to how my mind works. Before I never made the connection as to why my sex drive died with Mark, and why it thrived with Quinn, it just didn't occur to me. But also I wasn't ready to start healing sexually, I didn't realize that there was a sexual problem with me.

Although I've done most of my healing and self work on my own without guidance, there are a few times when I have needed some extra help. I like to turn to the book "The Courage to Heal: A guide for women survivors of child sexual abuse" By Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. Two years ago, after I was with Quinn and when I was with Mark I decided to see what it was like to talk to a therapist. I was going threw really hard medical issues at the time so most of my time and energy was being put towards just trying to get back to an okay health level and dealing with school, my first love and the lose of him and then a new relationship not too long after that, my energy was pretty spent so I figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot. That in that time of my life I needed an extra helping hand and especially one with some training. I found it very helpful, my therapist was able to walk me threw issues that I was stuck on, like discovering why I didn't think sex with Quinn was disgusting. Also where that thought came from.
 After my health recovered I eventually went back to working solo on my abuse healing. Right now though this sexual healing is something much more intense and driven so deep into me that I'm finding I need a little more help again. The Courage to Heal book doesn't really touch enough into the sexual healing that I need so I went out a found another book, "The Sexual healing Journey: a guide for survivors of sexual abuse" by Wendy Maltz. So far I'm already a quarter of the way threw it. I'm reading it every chance I get, then stopping and thinking about things, then blogging or journal-ling about what thoughts are coming up. I've been needing to take this step for a long time but until this year, never really new how to. So a lot of the things I've already worked on to some extent, or have thought about and acknowledged. But there is still a lot that needs to be done. I know I'm not going to fix everything over night, I know it might take a long time for some of these things to finally click in. But I'm excited to be moving that direction.

With that said I'm really trying to relearn what is the actual meaning for healthy sex, and trying to separate those ideas and beliefs from abuse. I understand it and believe it on the surface and have for many years, it's probably why I do get the amount of pleasure that I do out of sex, but I don't have that belief all the way to my core, in the heart of everything is still that nasty old woman blaming me for the sexual abuse that was done to me, telling me that any sexual contact was bad, dirty, and sinful and that if I ever did anything like that again I wouldn't go to Heaven. Now I am not a Christan. I am not religious, I am very spiritual, but I don't really know if there is a heaven or hell. But that belief that she put into me is still there, so far down into my sub-conscious, even though now with my logical mind it doesn't make sense to me and I can argue it and prove it wrong in so many ways it is still there. So it is going to take time to dig up that nasty poisonous seed, rip out all of its roots and destroy it so it can never attach it's self to me again.
  In the sexual healing journey book I am reading right now and using as my bases for my healing at this time I came across this one quote, that put the idea of what healthy sex actually is in a way that I could finally really understand, because although I got what it was saying threw the whole book, it was all things I had already accepted on the outside layer. Nothing until this quote was able to actually penetrate deeper.

"Sex can be seen as sharing one's essence with a beloved, trusted partner, feeling the momentary pleasure of union, like the pleasure of dancing together as one"
I love this analogy because I can connect to it. I love dancing and I love social dancing, especially when it feels like our bodies mend into one. I have felt that, I understand that feeling, it is a joyous dance when that can happen. I'd like to think of sex as a really good West Coast Swing. Because in all the other dances the man leads, but in WCS there is so much play allowed and time when the female can lead. The best dances for WCS is when both partners get to lead equally, it becomes a dance of give and take, thus no one is dominating and no one is submitting. You share the floor as equals, both partners needed to make the merge, and both having to give and take to make it work.