Sexual Healing and My Story

I'm just now starting on a new journey of my healing process. This one deals with healing myself sexually and hopefully healing some of my relationship issues that I have. (More on this at the bottom if you want to just skip past the history of my abuse)

I realize I haven't actually shared my story on this blog yet, and to understand the issues that I will probably end up blogging about from here on out dealing with my sexual healing, it is best to have an idea why I have these issues.
When I was late 2's my mother and I lived at my grandparent's house, my mom had just divorced my biological dad and we had moved back to the States from Okinawa, Japan. My mother's family is one that is a perfect example of the circle of abuse. Clare, technically my grandfather, my mother's dad (I don't recognize this side of the family anymore so I call them by their names and not by our blood relationship.) Clare sexually abused my mother, and probably her two sisters, along with some kind of abuse to the other guys in that family too. They are considered a very good Christian, Mormon family so there was 8 children total and would of been more if Joan (grandma) didn't end up with cervix or uterus cancer from HPV and had to have her parts removed. Anyways long story short Clare abused the older children, some of the older boys abused the younger ones. Don, the youngest boy in the family than sexually abused me. He was only 13 at the time. When we lived there he would draw me down to his room in the basement with the allure of getting candy. Instead of candy he would remove his pants and mine and go to town... They say some survivors will "split" during trauma, especially sexual trauma at a young age. That is what I did, I only remember the before and after and a few moments of during from inside my own body, otherwise everything else at least when I recall it to memory is me observing it as like a 3rd person in the room. I remember that I felt pain and what I understand now to be sexual arousal, of course not of my wanting. Plus at that age I didn't understand it, it didn't make sense to me. Eventually he was caught, by his twin sister and she told Joan. I was taken into Clare and Joan's room first to be talked to about what happened. As the "good Christians" they were I was blamed for what happened, like it was my fault. I was told that any touch of that kind was bad and dirty and that I would never get into heaven if that kind of thing ever happened again. Pretty fucked up right? They had Don come into their room after me to talk to him and I remember hearing yelling from the living room, but I don't know what they ever said to him. Sadly at this time my mom wasn't around much, now being a single mom she was working all the time trying to support her and me and trying to earn enough money so we could have our own place, so she had no clue until the whole thing came out into the open to the family. The worst part about this first incident is that, those are my very first memories of life. My first memories of life is not something nice and loving, or the simplicity of a little child learning how to work their building blocks, but of being violated and used and told I was bad and dirty.
 When I was 3years old to 5 or 6 by law I had to spend the summers with my biological dad Matt. During that time he lived in California now with his new wife and children. At that time I now lived in Oregon with my Dad and Mom, my Dad Dad, technically my step dad but as I said in the last blog when he came into my life he took up all responsibility of a father and more. So he has more than earned his right to be called Dad and a Father. Anyways Matt's new wife Stacey was some piece of work. When Matt was at work, she would neglect me, emotionally abuse me, tell me I wasn't worthy or pretty or good. During night time stories she would always make up a story about her other children being princesses and tell some tale about them, and when they would ask her to tell one about me she would always say no, that I wasn't a good girl and only good girls get stories.To give you an idea on me as a little girl, I was a very well behaved child, I was very quite and did what I was told. My mom and dad had raised me to be very respectful. As told from Matt, my grandparent's (from Matt's side) and Aunts who had some experience with Stacey and saw some of her unacceptable behaviors toward me they all told me that as a little girl I was basically as close to a little angle as a kid could be. Which makes sense to me because after having been through one abuse already and being blamed for it I was terrified of "messing up" again. I remember she would punish me for things the other children did, and when Matt got home she would tell him what "I" did and if he asked if she punished me for it she said no that she didn't feel like it was her place and so I almost always got punished twice, usually for things I didn't do.
 If that wasn't enough of a nightmare with Stacy, she also beat me. There is one time in particular that I remember quite well. I was 5 or 6, towards the end of the Stacy rain. She had sent me to "the wall" for another punishment for something I didn't do. I was finally at my breaking point and I spoke up against her, I told her "I didn't do it!" and eventually I turned away from the wall and yelled at her "I'm telling Daddy what you are doing!" That one remark earned me a backhand across my face, so hard I probably dislocated my jaw that day. Stacy was a really intense work of crazy, she was ex air force, her and Matt would constantly get into fist fights... real nice marriage right? When I was in the picture her children couldn't do anything wrong, and I was the one who did all the bad things. Once I wasn't in the picture anymore she put her children in dangerous situations. Her boyfriends and husbands to follow after Matt molested my sisters, and one of her boyfriends beat my brother so bad it put him into the emergency room. Once her kids started getting old enough and started showing major signs of having lived through abuse and with a mother so fucked up she moved on, they became the bad ones and she started fostering children. Yeah real wonderful piece of work that lady is.
 Those are the two big abuse situations in my life, and are the ones that did the most damage. But, sadly, they were not the only ones, they were just the ones that lasted for a long period of time. At 6 a babysitter's son molested me, he would hold me down against him and rub my privet parts vigorously telling me it was tickling. Which is probably the biggest reason why I am not ticklish today, I've totally shut that sense down and only very rarely will I let my guard down and be ticklish. That family happened to also be Mormon, and and during the time with Stacy she was considered a good Christan and was Mormon too... I have a really big issue with "good Christians" and the Mormon religion. Some where's in those years there was a one time incident when visiting a family friend of my mother's side of the family, where I was downstairs watching TV with this adult guy, who was staying with them at the time, so not anyone that I happened to see after that and also not someone that my Mom can remember either. Anyways he unzipped his pants and pulled out his member and forced me "kiss" it.
 At such a young age I was unable to deal with what happened, so like most abused children, I suppressed my memories. I always knew something happened and something was wrong, but I never allowed myself to think upon it. Until Middle School came around. Everything started coming back to me, most the time in my sleep as horrible nightmares, I would wake up in the middle of the night soaked in sweat and crying because I knew it wasn't just a dream. Those years were really hard for me and my parents. I became terribly depressed and suicidal, I was also filled with anger. I was constantly filled with rage, at everything, I had a hard time coping with it and trying to keep it in check. I was punching walls so I wouldn't end up punching anyone, I was getting into fights. I attempted suicidal handfuls of time, unknown to anyone of course because I didn't want someone to stop me or even know that I was that far gone. I knew I never, ever wanted to show any kind of weakness again for the fear that I would seem vulnerable and taken advantage of again. One day there was an amazing breakthrough for me. For some reason I connected my excessive compulsive need not to show weakness with suicide I realized it was the weak way out, gutless and completely weak, vulnerable. Something I never wanted to be, so from that moment on I stopped being suicide and only had a suicide thought twice in my life since, and not one for a few years now. From that point on I started really working on healing, I looked at everything that happened to me as a lesson, that there was a lesson in all of that that would make me stronger. I also realized that after so much bad, the simple things in life seemed so amazing, it was a blessing to even still be on earth and breathing. So I became a fighter.
 I learned quickly about the cycle of abuse, how victims can fall back into that pattern. My very first relationship was a physically abusive one, the guy threw me into a wall... But at the time I was strong enough, I wasn't going to allow myself to be a victim anymore so I fought back, attempting to give him as many brushes and cuts as he gave me. I ended it fairly quickly and after a few more bad relationships I stopped dating all together, and from that moment on I started having panic attacks when I thought a relationship with a guy was about to get serious. Eventually I became content with flings and temporary lovers who I always kept very far away from my heart in hopes to never be hurt. Late high school, my girl friends and I were sexually harassed and some of us even assaulted by this douche of a guy who was eventually was trialed, found guilty we all got restraining orders against him and he went into probation and was eventually registered as a sex offender because after he turned 18 his parole officer found kitty porn on his computer. That started a whole new set of issues for me, I felt like I should of figured it out sooner and stopped him from hurting anyone.
 Eventually things got easier, and I only had issues pop up once every few months, usually always something small, than once or twice a year I'd have a big thing come up that I'd have to work on. My relationship issues and sex problems are the one thing that have stayed consent. About 3 years ago I made a small break through with the whole relaitonship thing and was able to enter a serious relationship with Quinn. He became my best friend before we ever started dating, we became very close, he worked his way up slowly to earn my trust and eventually started trying to date me, at first I pushed him away, for about a month he stayed my best friend but very lightly let me know the whole time that once I was ready he wanted to be with me. One day it just clicked. He was my first love and we became very attached. He had his own issues he was working on, and with my trust in him and my comforter as a friend not just a lover he was able to become that man he wanted to be. Eventually though he left me for the chance to get back with his ex now that he had became better. I was devastated, because for the first time I had allowed myself to love and to actually be loved back. I felt used, even though I know he loved me he still chose another in the end. Although things ended badly and which much pain on my part, I was still happy it happened because I learned something from it. I learned I could love and allow myself to be loved in return.Which was huge for me. Since Quinn I've managed 2 other serious relationships, neither lasting very long, although the last one wasn't my fault at all, its end had nothing to do with my issues.

There are still things I need to work on with myself int he relationship department but I am getting there.

Now when it comes to sexual healing, this is a totally new section of healing for me. I knew I had a blockage there, but until now had no clue how to start working on it. For me, I don't shy away from sex, and I actually enjoy it. And when allowed to my own ways I have a high sex drive. My issues lie in the fact that I can't orgasm, not even just for myself. I also have a hard time staying present during sex, once it gets to a point my mind won't shut up and is thinking of so many other random things and not just on the act with my lover. I've recently came to realize that it's not just my trust issues but has a lot to do with the fact that Joan drilled it into my head that sexual pleasure is a bad thing. So although I've healed enough to enjoy some of it I can't still get past it enough to allow myself to enjoy it completely. Thus why I hit a wall right before the orgasm part. There are other issues there too that all add up to why I can't and why I can't stay present during sex, but it's good to really actually know and understand one of them now instead of just guessing at it. So hopefully with more work and more understanding I should get there someday, and my lovers wont have to feel so lacking as a man, which even though I tell them why they still can't help but feel like it is partially their own skills and thus feel less manly with me...

Alright that's enough for now, because that is a lot!