I've been taking a little break from my intensive healing process these last few days. Which was much needed. Not just a relaxing stage but also in helping with the healing process. It has allowed my mind to wrap its self around the new ideas of what healthy sex actually is and what I've thought and associated sex with was always sexual abuse.
In these "break" days my emotions on the whole subjects has been shifting as I go through each stage connected to this healing section. Scared at first, than enraged and angry. Eventually sad and mournful for all the years I've lost of having good relationships and good healthy sex within them.
I've been uneasy with men this week, and angry and filled with a rage towards them. I got very snippy with Nathan a few days ago when he told me he doesn't think he is a good fit for me and my situation right now. In my extra annoyed with guys state right now his comment pissed me off. For one this healing process is for me and me alone right now, no one else fits into this. Maybe one day when I'm in a serious relationship then will be the time that that someone is allowed into this process because it would affect them. At this moment it does not affect anyone besides me. I told Nathan what I was in the process of right now as a courtesy, nothing more. I never expected nor wanted him to be my partner in this process. That kind of thing would take us getting to know each other on a deep level and having an unbelievable amount of trust in each other, especially on my part. Now I do understand to a point what he meant by it, but I still believe he doesn't really have a say. I also do realize I am a stubborn ass sometimes and totally unyielding on certain subjects.
I do believe I've told him my current situation at the wrong time, and sadly it seems it's added another rift between our friendship. I have no clue if there will be any mending, bouncing back from the point that we are at right now. At the surface level I could really care less at this point, but I know that's only because of my current attitude towards guys right now. When in reality I am saddened by this and hope that things do get better. It's a bummer that our whole rehanging out, sexual flare up and everything just so happened to go on at the same time that I was becoming aware on how much I needed to start this healing journey of mine and then actually starting it. It adds to the annoyance that if I could of done this sooner things may not of been so, or if the abuse never happened I'd never be in this position all together. If that was the case though I would of been a completely different person. Since the abuse started at such a young age it had a hand in shaping my entire being.
With this whole Nathan escapade I've realized that my first thoughts on needing to be celibate are probably best. So for the 2nd time in my life since becoming sexually active I'm flying that celibacy banner. I've also decided that when I do become sexually active again I don't want to have anymore casual sex. I've had a few casual relationships in the past and now going through all this I can see how those relations may not of been the best for me.
With that said Kody and I are talking on a more regular bases and even more so this week. Kody and I have been friends for a long time, since high school. We've also been off and on lovers, and of course off and on enemies, so to say. Anyways this week we've been talking a lot more and hanging out. I made it very clear to him before hanging out that there is to be no sexual contact between us, I am celibate right now and this is why. I could of sworn he knew about the abuse considering our once mutual best friend knew my story well and is one of the few people to see me actually really angry, enough so that I was damn close to destroying a shitty excuse for a boy. Anyways he didn't, I'm sure he did but probably just doesn't remember, it really wouldn't surprise me. So I gave him a basic overview. With that said he asked me a bunch of questions about it, which is 100% alright with me, because most people haven't been abused and don't know what it's like so it is human nature to be curious about what it was like, how it affected me. I know a lot of my friends are curious but most don't feel it's okay to ask me due to the tenderness of the subject. Kody knows me well enough that he knew it was alright to ask, and if I wasn't comfortable answering something I would of told him.
It was actually pretty nice for me to answer those curious questions, it helped give me some insight on what a regular non abused human might think about such things. Hanging out with him and talking with him on a more regular bases now is the main reason why I've decided I should probably ex-nay the casual sex out of my life too. Since any sexual activity between us was casual, at one point it had the chance to be more but we both let that slid away a long time ago.
Having sexual contact reserved just for actual relationships would help reinforce the idea and thoughts of healthy sex and not confuse it with sexual abuse in my head. Just having sex be as a more intimate communication with a serious partner and not just a physical release without emotions attached.
Anyways I do believe I'm about ready to re-dive into my consciously working on this journey now that my emotions and responses have settled down a bit and became a little more even. I'm still annoyed with guys and all that but it's not as bad anymore. I think I can control my sniping remarks a little more now and calm that rage if it shows it's ugly head more.
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