I've been having light palpation for the last hour now. Which for me are usually connected to unconscious thoughts and emotions usually having something to do with my abuse. This one started when I was watching a Lady Antebellum music video called "Just a Kiss". Which is basically about the start of a new relationship, moving slowly into it "doing it right". Anyways I found it touching and enjoyable.
Although it also brought up my own fears about my issues with relationships. I love the idea of them, but I am still scared of entering into an actual loving, trusting, healthy relationship. I'm afraid I'll never be able to get past that fear of being hurt and abused by someone I trust. I'm afraid of still feeling dirty and bad when expressing loving feeling through sex.
Something that's been on and off my mind for the last few days has been healthy relationships. I've always withdrawn from potential relationships that I felt would be healthy, trusting and all that good stuff that we should be running towards. Yet have always been drawn to the bad ones, I've been fine with relationship when I knew they wouldn't last very long, when I could always keep myself very guarded. On top of that because of the fact that I don't care if people know about my abuse and feel that anyone close to me should know at least the basics, I would usually give just the basics to the person I was with at the time. Which would make them think that I was trusting in them and even showing my commitment to that relationship. Which was never the case. Funny how some guys will willingly believe that I've changed with them and thus have become committed to that relationship even though I usually give them the warning that I don't do well with relationship and will drop and run with little notice and no explanation, and then they were surprised when I did.
In my celibacy, my "healing vacation from sex" as one of my books calls it, because not only am I being celibate right now I am purposefully taking time for myself without sexual touch or connection, I am steering away from relationships and dating right now so that I don't end up feeling like I have to give in to sex to anyone. So there is a for sure no sex right now thing and then also, once I feel like I'm ready to start having it again I'm going to wait until I am in an actual committed relationship, so also no sex in the simple starting to date, get to know you process anymore, on top of the no more casual sex, or flings. No more "light" relationships, friends with benefits, none of that crap.
With that in mind I came across this quote today in my book "The Sexual Healing Journey"
"Take gradual steps. Focus on feeling safe and comfortable, asserting your needs and handling your automatic reactions. You will stop withdrawing by slowly moving forward with other safe behaviors, such as exploring nonsexual intimate touch, communication feelings and needs, pacing sexual experiences. Proceed gently."
I found it very fitting for me right now.
Besides all that I've been happy and at ease these last few days, week even. Not working on anything really emotionally hard right now. So I haven't felt that constant emotional drain this last week. Although I've also failed at getting up and doing my early morning gym workout... but that might of also been because our water was out all last week and I really didn't want to shower at the gym. I did one day though but not for an early am workout, I went in during the night since I was failing in the morning.
Last Monday-Tuesday I got to spend time in ptown with Sarah and Sadie, that was so nice after going through that first hard week of really attacking this healing journey. I've known both those ladies for a very long time, and they know my past and have even been there for some of my healing processes. Sarah was there and helped me when I was first looking for a book that focused more of the sexual healing of abuse. They have been awesome, it has been great talking to them a little here and there about what I'm going through right now. I'm happy that I'm staying very aware that I do have close friends that I can talk to as I work through this all, instead of pushing everyone out of my life during a time of big healing like I usually do. But also remembering that I need those nice little fun breaks to remind me that there is more to life than just healing. Like having the last two Monday evenings to travel into ptown and go get hot coco and truffles with Sarah, to the book store and just sitting around eating cake and drinking tea. Having the chance to touch a bit on what and where I am at but also making sure to just have fun and enjoy life too. Like this last Monday-Tuesday getting to share my Halloween costume idea and then running all around the place with Sadie trying to find the fabric and a pattern I could easily adjust and add on too that would work and other random things.
I love being all crafty and creative and I have fun making costumes and putting things like that together. Right now I am actually sewing the thing together. It's looking fantastic by the way! I'm so excited for it.
These next few weeks are going to be a little crazy. I leave for a business trip in California Saturday, but I will be stopping in Vallis for that day to see those friends of mine there, and also on my way back home that next weekend too. Home and back to shitty paying job for a few days then back to Vallis for actual fun Halloweenness which of course I am stocked about because I love Halloween.
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