Wanting

So I haven't posted much at all this last week or so, reason for that is because I was in California this whole last week and the week before that I was preparing and getting this ready to leave.
 With that said it doesn't mean my healing process stopped. Although it was put on hold a bit, there was still a lot to work on. The whole unlearning bad, harmful abusive sexual thoughts, ideas, feelings and learning good healthy sexual thoughts, ideas, feelings takes time, and will continue to take time. Sadly it isn't something that can be done in a week, or any other short period of time, although I wish it could. So sadly no big "A HA!" moments, but still lots of good work.

So this last week was my one month mark of being celibate! Yay! Due to the things I've been working on it's been a very easy month. Even with a decent amount of guys trying to make booty calls. Now I wasn't big on booty calls or things like that in the first place, and going a month without isn't that big of a deal either, although usually it was about that time that I would hook up with my current partner at that time. Although I've been in only 3 relationships I was big on casual sex, but I almost always stayed with one partner at a time, and most of those partners I would rotate through during the years, so it wouldn't be constantly new partners.
 Anyways so yay for making it a month, when I realized it had been a month this last week I was amazed that so much time has passed by already, but also because I realized it has been a month since Nathan and I really talked, and hung out and that last one was pretty shitty to say the truth. I tried to hang out with him last weekend when I was passing through vallis for the night, which no luck, but he did at least respond to my messages, text and fb. This weekend though as I was passing through vallis again I got nothing in response. I wasn't surprised at all, I knew since the stop sign was thrown up on this one that that was the end of anything between us. I was just really hoping to keep a friendship. So it seems that whole idea is down the drain and reality has been faced. I must say though it still affected me a bit. Brought my internal attitude down a bit. I think it's more that it was the final touch to everything I've been thinking about and dealing with this last wee.
 I've been dealing and thinking more about relationships this week. My stronger desire right now is to feel loved again, in that serious relationship way. I'm craving the ability to be able to get into a legit relationship a lot more than normal right now. Probably because I am slowly realizing more of what I've been missing out all these years. That idea of good, healthy sexualness, I experienced a bit of that when in my one only actually fully loving relationship so far. I'm curious as to how it would go this time now that I have a better understanding and a better way of thinking.

With that said being pushed away by Nathan this weekend did bring me down, because that was another lost chance at something, and this last weekend was me having to finally really just let go of that whole idea. So I was extra craving some cuddles and comforting this weekend. Although I was good at not really showing it.
 Funny how life works sometimes though. Last night when at a little house party with some friends Asa happened to be there, another awesome, sweet guy that was in my life about the same time as Nathan was originally. Seeing him again just helped remind me that there are plenty of wonderful, sweet, awesome guys out there, and when I am finally ready there will be someone there for me then.
 Although with my slightly downer internal feeling of yesterday and having seeing Asa again last night and getting to hang out with him, and us being our normal closer, semi cuddly selves with each other I found myself really wanting to go back to my old ways of casual sexness. I wanted to break my celibate track short. I was good though and didn't and managed to think about why I did and what was causing those feelings. A lot of them I've already said in this post. It really came down to just wanted to feel close to someone and loved, having realized that I was able to remind myself that falling back into that track would not lead to feeling loved, that casual sex does not equal feeling loved. That what I was really wanting was only going to come from a true romantic, serious relationship, and that would take time to find, and build up to that point. So although I was really wanting to be touched and held last night I stayed true to what I really needed to be at and doing to help me eventually get to that point that I want to be at. So besides extra hugs and sitting on, or being sat on by Asa, I was good, I went back to my best friend's place, Travis, where I usually stay when visiting and passed out on my couch there.
 I do have to admit though that thankfully it was Asa who I ran into to have this realization. Asa is kind, gentle and takes his time when it comes to such things. So there was no presser coming from him last night. No trying to kiss me or feel me up or anything like that. Just very light, innocent things. If he was more aggressive in that aspect I probably would not of held strong because my wanting of a cuddle buddy last night was so strong. 

Alright I'm going to call that enough for tonight, I was really wanting to go to bed at 10pm tonight, but now it's midnight so that's not happening.